Day 27: Chains

I am mainly making myself post so that my last post won’t be where you think I’m at, because that post has worried a lot of people. A lot has happened since then, and I guess things are starting to look like a healing process. Though, it is much more painful and confusing a process than I imagined. But things are looking a little more hopeful I think. Interesting how these posts are developing. Thank you to all who have been thinking about and/or praying for me.

Dear God,

I really have no idea what you’re doing to my heart. I asked you after I posted that angryyyyy post when things would actually seem hopeful. You replied “7 days.” I obviously did not believe you, but I still do not know what happened inside of me during that gospel choir concert. So you did do something very tangible on that 7th day….it felt like a chain was broken. I don’t know what it was, or how it happened, or what it did, but something happened when I praised. The way you used my choir director is ridiculous and I will tell him all about it soon to affirm the beautiful son you have made him to be. I guess you used my attempt to actually praise you during my last gospel choir concert here because something was happening inside. It has been so awful to not be able to even pretend to sing worship songs lately, but as I couldn’t understand how singing it out was helping during the gospel choir concert. I stood there on stage repeating “May have some scars-I am healed/ Circumstances-I’m still healed/ Disappointments-I am healed” I started to believe that maybe….just maybe…I am healed. Then David said how our greatest weapon is praise. When the situation around doesn’t seem to call for praise, that praise is exactly what breaks those chains.

When you praise, when you praise there should be a fire in your heart

Hands upraised when you praise, consuming every part

Because you know the God we serve will make His presence known

When you praise, when you praise

When we think of how wonderful and merciful and kind our God has been to us

Then we know every “Glory, Hallelujah” He deserves when you praise

Praise will bind, confuse, and break the enemy and cause His hands to be still

So we raise our hands in total victory. We know we triumph in His will.

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “There is none like You”

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “Our God is awesome God- YES!”

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “Bless the Lord, O my soul!”

After 2 months of not really feeling you in my heart like I know my heart can, overwhelming does not properly capture the way my heart felt when I realized that you were making your presence known again to me. In my heart…the way I first believed.

I just wanted to weep. And that is exactly what I did as soon as the concert ended…. but I still don’t know why. I think it’s because I just could no longer deny that you were doing something. And the question I really wanted to ask you was “why did it take so long for me to actually know you were doing something?!” but it seemed like a completely unnecessary question for the moment. I just let you…be you. And it was not what I expected healing to feel like. I thought it would be relieving, but it seems there is a LOT more pain and more stuff that needs to get out. So I still do not know exactly why I keep crying, but I know you are doing something. That somehow, you are being faithful to your promises. That somehow, you still love me and that somehow, your love never fails me.

And today at church, I really just cannot deny that you are meeting me where I am. Using a whole sermon on grace using the analogy that has spoken most deeply to me in February…. that grace is like an ocean. How you’ve told me before all of this that my heart is an ocean. That I’m sinking in an ocean of grace. How even yesterday at the harbor, as I looked at the rocks on the shore pondering how whether the rocks were completely submerged or breaking the surface of the water, the rocks were still rocks. No matter how many waves crashed or the strength of the wave, it was still a rock. And how when I was looking at the rocks I had to make sure my footing was strong or I would fall over the ledge. That I needed to remember this for myself, that I had to maintain my footing on the Rock that is You, Lord. Then of course when I look up, the freakin’ boat in front of me has the name “Surefoot.” REALLY. really. you suck sometimes. like in a trolly way.

I give it all to you God

Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me

So even when I’ve given up on myself, when I’ve given up on your promises, I know that you haven’t given up on me. That your love never gives up on me. I might not fully believe that yet, but I know it. I know you love me. Not fully believe it, but I know you’re telling me that message. Praising you forces me to count the blessings, which makes it easier to remember your faithfulness all my years.

Not only through you though. The people around me are simply telling me that they love me, and they are your face, hands, feet, lips, eyes, heart…everything to me. So thank you for those people who are loving me the best they know how. I guess letting them love me is hard, but I really need it.

So I know you’re telling me that my chains are broken. And that something beautiful is coming from these ashes. I have trouble believing this will really happen, but I guess now I can’t deny that something is happening. Something. That these chains are not going to bother me much longer.

At least I am trying to hope that is true. And the fact that I have even a little hope is a big step. Thanks for never giving up when I’ve given up so much lately. I’m very very tired, but I know you are there kissing my heart, mending its wounds.

I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Yes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
I’m worn

Context:

Happenings, Day 1, Day 3, Day 8, Day 18

Soak

I just feel like it’s important for me to say this. I don’t know why, but even though all I have is time at home, I find it harder to connect to God as much as I do at Tufts. Maybe it’s the change in people who surround me or the loss of constant business at school which further necessitates the rejuvenation I get from resting in His presence. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I don’t talk to God constantly here. I talk about Him and think about Him, but I don’t really talk to Him much more than my daily prayers for others. It’s a strange thing that I realized was draining me somehow.

He invited me to just chill with Him so I decided to intentionally focus on Him and His presence. To just rest with Him and enjoy Him as He delights in me. So yesterday, I remembered this song.

Then I remembered why I love His presence so much. It’s because He can love me more in a moment than all the lovers could in a lifetime. I’ve listened to a lot of worship songs on youtube, but man, I don’t know if it’s possible to not sense the presence of the Lord through this song (and the youtube spiral you might go on after this like I did haha) and how Bethel Church just sits at His feet. I found myself just randomly crying while I was soaking these songs in because His presence just touched me so deeply. This love is SUPER deep and BEYOND our understanding. Stop putting God in a box! Every time I get a revelation of His love, it’s only a taste of the immensity of how deep, furious, passionate, unending, and reckless it really is. It’s just…everything.

We are meant to be loved. It’s a longing in your heart that you cannot deny. The only One who can fully satisfy that desire is God. That’s the good news isn’t it? “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39. It’s true! Nothing you do will ever be able to separate you from His love. Your failures, your weaknesses, your addictions, your doubts, your pride… He loves you through those things and just wants You to come to Him with that so His power may rest on you! “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9. His love sets you free. This truth sets you free. It’s not about striving to gain His attention or doing all the right things so He’ll love you. He can’t take His eyes off of you. He has loved and will always love you whether you realize it or not. So yes, we come to Him with lots of flaws and baggage, but His love will refine us. He loves you as you are, but He also has some changes to make in you. A never-ending, beautiful process as He grows you in His love.

Rich Mullins said this: “I think one of the hardest things in the Christian life is (and especially for people who have grown up in America) … [that] we’re very arrogant people. And I think it’s very hard to allow God to break us…When the Lord loves He chastens, and…if we’ll never be broken, we’ll never be saved. God doesn’t break us because He hates us or because He’s angry at us, but we have to be broken just like you have to break a horse [...] Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation.”

So just soak it in. Admit you need Him and Him alone. A loving Savior and Best Friend who knows you better than you know yourself. Sit with Him and see what happens. Be a laid-down lover.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13

Do Something

Today marks National Human Trafficking Awareness Day. Did you know 27 MILLION people are enslaved today?

At Passion Conference where 45,000 18-25 year olds encountered Jesus, we became more aware of the injustice that is happening all over the world today. Right now, I don’t think this blank space below will suffice to convey the brokenness and pain that 27 million people are enduring right this second. The least I can do is tell you what I can.

27 million is a big number. It’s one of those big numbers that makes this seem like something that is so much larger than you that you can’t do anything. What can one person do to help that many people? If you believe that, that is simply a lie. If we all believed that and just sat around indifferent, do you really care? Do you really think that’s an injustice? “Ignorance is not an excuse. Indifference is not an option. It’s time to rise up for freedom. Because slavery still exists.” 27 million people is not just a number…those are real people who are trapped in an evil cycle that is full of despair and pain and insignificance. Those are fellow brothers and sisters of this human race who are part of the 27 million who make this number the most people enslaved than ANY other time in history. This is not just about privilege, this is about basic human rights. Would you be okay knowing that your mom, dad, brother or sister was trapped in a system forcing them to work 18 hours a day for little or no wages or to be raped repeatedly? Don’t let the immensity of the number keep you from doing something. Didn’t Jesus say, “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” (Luke 15:4). Just to be clear, the answer is YES.

What does human trafficking look like today you might ask? There are people forced to work against their will whether in homes or factories, children being used for sexual gratification, families trapped for generations in a cycle of debt and economic exploitation, and unfortunately, many other injustices. This is a huge force. According to my Passion booklet that I’m getting a lot of this information from, “The total market value of human trafficking is estimated to be $32 billion-that’s more than Google, Starbucks, and Nike combined.” It seems daunting to me, but I believe in a God who is greater, stronger, and higher than any other. He hates that this is happening to people He loves, and yes, we could cry out asking Him why these injustices are happening or be the answer. Go out, do something now! As Christine Caine told us, “He wants to use rescued people to rescue others…We just need to take our light into the darkness.”

Now, if I haven’t done a sufficient job telling you yet about how immense and wrong this force is, maybe you can watch one part or preferably all parts of this documentary that Passion showed us during our 4 days in Atlanta. If you’re still struggling to put a face to this injustice, I highly recommend following the stories of these 3 slaves who have been set free and are now able to tell their stories. http://268generation.com/passion2013/freedom-film/

I know this post has the potential to be a bit daunting and heavy for those of you who didn’t know anything about this. Especially knowing that this isn’t just happening in the Ukraine or India, but right here in the States (Boston, Atlanta, etc.) Maybe your heart is breaking for these men, women, girls, and boys who are suffering right this second. I know that many hearts were breaking at Passion, and one way we made a difference was by funding numerous great organizations all around the globe that are trying to stop trafficking today. The goal for our 4 days together at the conference was to raise $1 million. We went slightly over it by raising $3.3 million!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I don’t think that money came from us wanting to reach the goal or just satisfying that guilty pang in our guts, but from sharing the heart of God. Pastor Louie Giglio repeated that he will never count us out. We are a generation that is often frowned upon as hopeless and lost in drugs, sex, and alcohol. I agree with Louie though, God doesn’t count us out so we can totally do something now. Yes, Passion is over, but God’s work on this earth through us never ends. Maybe one way you can help stop this is by donating to an organization like Love146 that fights to end child sex trafficking. Or here’s a link provided by Passion to give to freedom: https://secure.268generation.com/dosomethingnow/give/freedom. They do their research on the organizations they write a check to, so don’t fret.

Here’s a list of other great organizations that got some of that $3.3 million dollars that was raised in the first week of 2012. http://268generation.com/passion2012/#!/freedom/

All I have to say now is that we can be the generation that stops this. TOGETHER. Yes it’s daunting to tackle this individually, but “together we can be a force for good.” During the week, a 100 foot structure of a hand was constructed to represent a generation that is rising up, saying something against injustice, and worshiping God by loving the least of these. Worship is not just singing songs, it’s a lifestyle of giving glory and praise to the One who deserves it all. Worship looks like a lot of things, and one way is by striving to have the heart of God that is breaking for those enslaved today. Actually, there’s probably more than 27 million.

Do Something Now

When we fight this together in the name of Jesus, people will notice. CNN and other national news networks did…

Check this out: slaveryfootprint.org to find out how many slaves you have working for YOU.

Stand up. Tell others. Fight for freedom.