Wavering

As I was in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, all I focused on was staying afloat and trying not to let the salty water burn my eyes. I just kept looking ahead to the waves, trying to gage the strength so I could determine whether to go underwater or just fight the wave above water. It quickly got tiring to just try to survive, so I would occasionally just enjoy the power of the wave and body surf. Or I’d ride it out back to the shore where I could look back out on the immensity of the ocean from the safety of the sands.

I’m glad that I was at the beach when I received my first fundraising update. It takes a while to process the online donations to make it onto my report, but I currently have $707 from a very small number of people. I know it’s early, but I also only have until June 20th to have everything processed.

I thought I would have at least $1000 for my first report, but when I saw the email, I was so thankful. Unfortunately, quickly I started to wonder and doubt whether the money would really come in. It’s sad how quick I am to doubt God in the face of all He’s done for me. Just a reminder of how human and broken I am, of my desperate need for my Jesus. Every time I thought my doubts were silly though, Satan’s arguments were more convincing. However, God showed me something in those waves.

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James 1:6

As I got hit by each wave, I couldn’t help thinking of that verse. I don’t want my faith to waver (OH look at that… WAVEr…ha) a bit, especially so early in this speedy fundraising process. Just as when I tried to anticipate the strength of the waves but failed, sometimes I just can’t anticipate the consequences of focusing on the waves. Whether those waves are Satan’s lies, a displaced focus on MY own abilities, or uncertainty about people’s promptness in getting donations in, I need to stand on the seashore. Perspective. God is SO MUCH BIGGER than those waves. He’s like the vastness and immensity of the ocean. Except bigger. What is $3500 to Him? He could provide it in so many ways. He’s so creative so I highly anticipate seeing Him come through with more than $3500 (my mom has incredible faith and believes God will provide $10,000 haha. I’m not there yet). That’s a wave I want to take advantage of its strength to carry me through and surprise me with its power.

Today when I was talking to Him about this post, He was reminding me to just look at Him. Not look at the waves or anything else that might distract me. Which reminds me of the story of Matthew 8 of when Jesus rebuked the storm, telling the waves to stop so easily even when the disciples were freaking out. And like the story in Matthew 14 of when Jesus told Peter to come walk on the water towards Him. That’s what I need to do, have faith that I can walk on water if I just focus on Jesus. Not on the impossibility of the situation. I don’t want to have to cry out for Jesus to help me because my eyes will already be locked with His.

Plus, I quickly forgot too how valuable having prayer support is to me. My heart is so deeply placed in prayer. Having so many people partnered with me to pray for Mongolia and my team is so amazing that I can’t tell you how thankful I am. Perspective.

After I got pummeled by some of those waves, I put some music on as I lay in the sun to dry off and what comes on but “God is Able.” Thanks for the reminders, God. I believe!

Here’s my prayer support letter. Please email me at anisha.reza@gmail.com if you’d like one emailed to you or would like to join my email list for updates while I’m in Mongolia.

Oh! And you’ve noticed by now that I changed my theme again. I just needed some change, and this theme is so me. I love it. You just have to scroll to the bottom for the archives and tag cloud and stuff. Goodbye this theme for now! Gonna try this one out

I Am An Arrow…

Cause You are the target.

So my last post (No More Hiding) got just a few hits. The most clicks I’ve gotten in one day on my blog was 52 views and that was the day I emailed everyone I knew to check out my new blog. On October 31, 2011, 169 people clicked my link. November 1st, another 61. November 2nd, another 34. Since Sunday, an incredible 329 people have clicked it! WHAAAAT.

After I clicked publish on Sunday, I wept for an hour straight. I’ve never felt so vulnerable before in my life. I watched the site stats increase to 10…15…20. All people who were just statistics. I had no idea exactly who was reading everything I had been hiding. I was completely overwhelmed with how my heart was aching and how weak I felt. Only God could help in that moment. Every time someone sent me a gchat message during that hour, I was so moved and so overtaken by how good my God was being to me.

I thought I had finished that process of letting God heal all the pain I had felt with my academic probation, but apparently there was an hour’s worth of full-out weeping left to heal. God was encouraging others through my healing. God was reprimanding people to not be complacent but rather seek Him harder through my writing. God was revealing what was possible to others through my humility.

After publishing that post, I feel freer. Knowing that the news of my probation is out there for anyone to read, I can talk to people knowing that I don’t have to hide anything. I’ve discovered through the responses I’ve received who my real friends are. The people who truly love me for who I am, not what I appear to be. The people who pray for me, support me, and love me in everything. Even though I’ve discovered true friendships, I’ve also seen who I haven’t been honoring. If I truly honored the people God placed in my life, there would be an atmosphere of humility and grace that gives more room for Jesus to move. If I truly treated others as I want to be treated, I’d interact with others differently. If I truly asked God to help me see people as He sees them, I would see the greatness He has in store for them…not just their brokenness. Wouldn’t you treat someone better knowing that God was going to use him to bring clean water to thousands of people? Or bring comfort to the widows and orphans? Or feed the hungry? Or free the slaves?

It’s funny how I said in my last post that “I believe that this will bless one of you.” I think 329 > 1. I mean, I won’t assume that those are 329 different people or that everyone was blessed by it, but the emails, notes, and conversations I’ve had definitely surpass 1. Even though my faith has increased tremendously, that just shows how much my faith still needs to grow. Yet Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20. He used my faith and multiplied the blessings.

I was wondering what the next step would be after that post. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:33-34. This is a verse I’ve stored in my heart to always live by. It has taken me a long way just this week. Each day has something new to offer if I am open and aware of what God is putting in front of me. Today, I just wonder why God has opened my eyes to see things in my fellowship that burden me. I pray about these burdens, but what does God want me to do about them? I don’t want to just sit here taking in all these truths about God to keep the fire burning in my heart and not bring others along with me. He says: “And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.” -2 Timothy 2:2. So I know God has been maturing me a lot and I feel like I’m so ready to go out wherever He calls me. I know I might face fear to go into a new place, but I’m ready for the challenge. I’m ready but I need to be patient and wait on God’s timing. If I go somewhere in my own will, it won’t be fruitful. I must be in His will, and that will might even be to help bring change into TCF. Who knows? Well, God does.

I’ll leave you with some verses that some people sent me after reading ‘No More Hiding.’ And some songs that really spoke to me this week. They definitely embody that testimony.

ALSO! Please donate to bring clean water to people for my birthday! $20 gives someone clean water for 20 YEARS! Imagine that. Any amount is appreciated though. http://mycharitywater.org/anishastandsforwater

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. -Romans 5:3-5

Let the poor say I am rich

I was taking a walk around my neighborhood with my brother yesterday, and what stuck out to me most was the sprinklers. They were supposedly doing their job of watering the grass in this nice neighborhood I’m lucky to live in. However, it just really bothered me that there was an overabundance of sprinklers for some grass that just separates the roads and a lot of those unnecessary sprinklers were watering the pavement. THAT WATER COULD QUENCH SO MANY PEOPLE’S THIRST. AND IT’S WATERING CEMENT?! I was exploding inside, but I didn’t know what to do. I think I’ll email someone, but my voice might get overshadowed by all the prominent, rich people in this neighborhood who want to have their grass that is going to get a gross brown color in the winter anyway to look green. (**stop judging stop judging**) However, it just looks muddy because the grass is getting too much water.

Anyways, if you’ve kept up on my blog enough, you’ll know the water problem burns my heart (when I first realized: click). I know God wants me to do something there, but I’m just discerning the timing (here’s one organization-http://www.water.cc/). Those sprinklers were just another reminder for me from God this summer about His love for the poor that finally got me writing this post.

The combination of all the reminders below made me wonder and ask God what He was doing. It was especially throwing me off because I wanted answers about my academics, my lifestyle…me.

The countless testimonies I’ve heard from people who’ve gone on mission trips and the Bakers’ testimony There is Always Enough about what God is doing in Mozambique made me just want to just hurry up and be a doctor so I could go out and serve. Or more realistically, go on my first mission trip. I did go to New Orleans, but it wasn’t the same. Like I said in my last post, I believe all those things happen. I feel like I’ve heard so many testimonies that I know what God seems to always teach people through fundraising and the trip and all that. It’s a blessing to hear those lessons, I’m just desperate to experience it and go through those tests myself. The trouble is that’s what I want. I must be patient for God’s timing is perfect. So I’ll pray about that.

Once I realized that a mission trip wasn’t the simple solution to this whole ‘I need to serve the poor” problem I had, I looked at my own lifestyle and I found that I’m nowhere near grateful enough for what I have. I tried to ignore the kind of cars my family drives and appreciate the fact that we had cars. I tried to ignore the size of my house and appreciate the fact I had a house. I tried to ignore the fact I was asking for a specific meal for my mom to cook and appreciate that I had an opportunity to choose. I tried to overlook my family’s embarrassing and annoying ways and appreciate I had family that loved me. I tried to stop priding myself that I was forming callouses from my new guitar and appreciate I could just randomly decide I wanted to learn guitar. I could go on. Then I judged my mom and asked her how this lifestyle seemed okay while so many people suffered. Why can’t we move to a smaller house? Why do you need so many clothes and shoes? Her answers led me to repentance. I have a long way to go before I understand. One step I guess is that I really mean it when I thank God before meals for the food He has provided me. It’s not just a formality.

Right when I started to let these thoughts drift away…famine in Somalia. It surprised me when I looked through the photos and just started crying. I’ve never cried just looking through photos like that before. I asked my mom what I could do besides pray and she offered to give a donation. I think younger Anisha would have accepted that to free her guilty conscience. However, I don’t have a consistent income. I’ve been spoiled so much I only recently grasped the value of a dollar. It’s not the same thing if my mom gives me some money. I want to give from my hands. I want to give a true offering when I have earned those dollars. Plus, that’s not going to happen anytime soon because I’m SO blessed and spoiled that my dad works so hard just so I just have to focus on studying. Actually, he never wants me  to worry about money because he wants his kids to do things they love. However, I still want to pay him back and earn income to give to those who need it more.

Now what? “[...] Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead” -James 2:17. I believe prayer can tear down so many walls that we try to face in our own power. So yes, I publicly commit to praying for the poor daily.  What else?…do I go find homeless people and hear their stories? Do I serve in some capacity? God what do you want me to do?! Just tell me please. Then I reevaluated all that yesterday too. The answers aren’t the most important thing. Those will come in due time, if it is His will to reveal that to me. I can’t demand that. I’m not God and I don’t want to be. Like I said earlier, I wanted answers about me, but I realized something bigger. “I want You more than I want the answers” -Kim Walker-Smith.

Step 1. Pray for the poor

Step 2. Pray for my own humility and awareness

Step 3. Love everyone I encounter. “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them” -Luke 6:32.

Step for every moment: Love God and strive to be in His presence forevermore. By doing that, I’ll learn  more about His character so that I can love the poor like He does.