Natural

My resolution for 2012 was to be obedient because God has definitely proven to me that He’s trustworthy.

As I think about it, my journey has been incredible and there are infinitely more incredible adventures ahead of me. When I look back on 2012, I think it’s a year that I won’t forget. I saw so much fruit not because I was trying to focus on growing fruit, but I just dwelled within the Vine and I couldn’t help but grow fruit. I’m connected, in union with the vine. I’m a branch. How can I NOT grow fruit?! A good friend asked me what the highlight of 2012 was for me. I said that though I’ve been a confessing Christian for 4.5 years, 2012 was when I truly understood the magnificence and power of the cross. It didn’t change everything, but it did. Of course I wouldn’t have confessed Jesus as my Lord if I didn’t understand the cross to some level, but man, everything HAS changed because now I do really get it. Grace. Cross. Alive. God is good. Jesus lives in me>>> all words and phrases that are thrown around in Christian lingo, but oh now so much more powerful and meaningful. Everything I experience in life has to do with my understanding of the cross. Crucial!

Another part of my year….I just found out that I got on Dean’s List for the second semester in a row. Why is this statement so glorious and humbling?

Short version: Freshmen year solid GPA–>Sophomore fall academic probation I–>Soph spring academic probation II–>Summer term just bad. GPA suffers and lowest ever–>change to child development–>Junior fall removed completely from probation–>GPA is steadily increasing–>struggle to stop doing pre-med at Tufts (will finish post-grad)–>Junior spring Dean’s List–>Senior fall complete CD major–>Senior fall Dean’s List #2 with an almost completely redeemed GPA.

Long version in this post. It’s seriously long but all the details of my academic testimony are there. It’s a cool story in my opinion. Evidence of a faithful God, no matter how we react and flail our arms childishly when one little thing goes wrong.

The thing is, when I look back on how God came through I’m even more thankful because I see how much I have grown. In that long post, I claimed that I got angry at God because I didn’t know why all the suffering was happening when He could definitely handle a few grades. I shook. I thought I was in a desert place, a wilderness. Now if this were to happen all over again, I would confidently say I would not react the same way. I’m in the lushness of a Garden now, Jesus experienced a desert so that I would not have to. I am not shaken, because I am found on the solid Rock who makes me unshakable. I have everlasting joy. Through my experiences of being on academic probation, doubting my calling, failing to live up to my own and my parents’ expectations, being humbled, realizing God is my Answer and my Dream, knowing the power of open humility and sharing in community, and learning to live day by day, I now know identity’s fundamental nature. I realized more of who I am….a precious, valued daughter of God. When I got shaken, I forgot who I was. I let my situation determine my joy. Now, I KNOW who I am. I will NOT be shaken because I have everlasting joy. When a situation becomes troubled or difficult, I will testify to the truth of this everlasting Savior, who is Mr. Joy. Storms come to both believers and non-believers, but as believers, imagine how powerful a testament to the power of a relationship with Christ will be if we don’t depressed/angry/whatever when the storm comes. I’ve wanted to say this about my own academic story for a while now to my blog readers. Not to discredit where I was then, but to enhance where I am now.

In 2012, I learned how important it is to let God just love me. When I just let Him love me, growth and change just naturally happen. I don’t have to try. It’d be too difficult. My resolution to obey Him was me trying at first. When I just let Him love me, I understood His love to a deeper level. Then when He told me to do something, I wasn’t consciously telling myself “oh, I must obey God because He’s God and I made that my resolution” but rather obeying was a natural response. It wasn’t ever deeply challenging or contrary to what I wanted for myself because He never asked me to do something that wasn’t already in my heart (which is God’s heart so it all makes sense). His desires for my life are my desires too, so obeying was letting Him love me and show me more of His awesomeness through experiences. Going to Mongolia for missions, praying for people on the streets, becoming a Freshmen Small Group leader are all examples of obedience now that I look back. When those things happened though, I wasn’t consciously making myself obey. I was just going with the flow. Doing things that would love people and help me know God more! Naturally, fruit came. It’s really awesome to see change. I guess I always know my obedience does something. Maybe I can’t always see exactly what that something is yet, but I know that something exists….It’s very freeing to live like this, not feeling burdened or responsible to see the fruit but just knowing it will come!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. –Romans 8:28

So my resolution for 2013 is…nothing. I’ve resolved to live every day as a lover of His presence. So I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing and let the King love me. I think that’s a good thing to live by for all my days. New Year’s this year didn’t seem as special a time to reflect on the year and make new goals. I think it’s because it really is just another awesome day with the King, moving into another calendar year, constantly excited for what He has in store.

Here’s a song that God reminded me of the day I got found out about Dean’s List, it’s simply perfect. Helped me celebrate it with Him with a lot of joyful giggles.

Cheers.

Nine Hours

Only 9 hours until I embark on the long-awaited adventure of a lifetime. I’m a bit frazzled right now because I just finished the last of the packing which kinda helped it hit me that I’m LEAVING IN 9 HOURS. WAT. Time flies so quickly.

Wow I almost don’t know what to say. First off, I am SO EXCITED that I can’t express it fully to you. Last night, it took me twice as long to fall asleep from just pure excitement for what was in my near future. I just know that God has something super incredible up His sleeve. The whole trip I’m sure will be beyond my expectations, but there’s just something that is really gonna hit me hard. What will it be? We’ll find out together! Practically what am I excited for? I know that I may be going to visit nomadic herders and be able to star-gaze with them at God’s artwork in the skies, so that just sounds freakin’ epic. Generally I’m just EXCITED. God’s giving me such excitement and I can sense Him just smiling as I try to contain my desire to just jump up and down on the bed like a little girl who just got told she’s gonna get a pony. Basically I’ve been using a lot of exclamation points in emails lately.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been in much prayer as I should have been. But the next month is going to be so incredibly intimate with my Jesus that it’ll be okay. eeeeeeep so excited. Isn’t it crazy that a group of people prayed for three years to be able to send a team to Mongolia, and I’m part of that answer? What an incredible God I serve and love.

I’m so excited to meet my teammate Grace in person. Google hangouting for the past 5 weeks won’t compare to sharing a room together for a month. (also excited to reunite with my trip leader, Gabe!) I’m excited to meet the long-term missionaries we’ll be serving and learning from them. Just listening to their stories and being awed at our God together. I’m excited to hug Mongolian children and give them gifts that will make them smile! I’m excited to just be experiencing a new culture with people who love Jesus and introduce Jesus to those who don’t know Him yet. That’s just going to be incredible. Telling someone about Jesus who has NEVER heard of Jesus. So amazing.

Oh I’m also just so TOUCHED by the donations report I received today. $2384 out of $3830 has been given on my account!!!!! Praise God! Just touches my heart in a really deep way. I just know that once I return, the rest will be given. Who needs a September 5th deadline? haha!

I’m pretty sure I’m rambling, but I’m just too excited. Have I said that enough? EXCITED. SO EXCITED. This is definitely not my most eloquent post….

Well I went swimming today, and I was just thinking… I’m just gonna be inundated with God’s love for this next month. No matter what setbacks and unmet expectations, I don’t want to ever forget the intimate love Jesus has for me. I think that even though I’m so excited I can barely contain myself (well I’ll have to contain myself for my 15 hour flight to Seoul…or purposely explode on my neighbor…hehe), I have just realized that life is really just amazing. I didn’t do anything spectacular the other day, but by the end of it, I was just so thankful to be alive. Life itself is a God-led adventure. So I wanna remember that whether I’m in Mongolia or sitting in my Alabama home all day, my life is amazing. It’s amazing not because of how awesome I am, but because of how awesome the God inside of me is. He makes me awesome.

So cheers to awesomeness and to adventure. God, let’s do this.

Number one prayer request for eternity: that I fall more in love with Jesus every day.

This song has been on replay lately. I think God is going to show me the immense power of these words right in front of my eyes for the next month. Can’t wait for all the stories that I’ll have to share with ya’ll about how awesome, good, and amazing my God is!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never Once

What’s happening on my insides is hard to describe. It’s like when you eat something intensely scrumptious and so freakin’ amazing that there’s no amount of “MMMMM”s or “THIS IS SO GOOD” that will be able to properly express yourself or convince someone else that it’s truly that delicious. You just want them to try it for themselves.

That’s how I feel when I try to tell you about how humbled and thankful I am for God’s faithfulness to me. One year ago, I was just entering my summer of academic turmoil. I was taking genetics and general physiology in one summer session, having my faith tested so much that I would write “trust” or “faith” on my hand so that whenever I spiraled I could have that gentle reminder. After all that struggling, I found that I had to withdraw from one of those summer classes at the same time that I received an email that I had been put on academic probation 2.

I wanted to run away from God. He wasn’t holding up to His promises that things would change. Things were getting worse. I was telling God that I wanted to trust and have faith, but I was hitting a point when I needed to know what the heck was happening.

Fast forward one year.

I’m entering a summer when I’m marveled by God. I just had the most incredible year as a child development major. I loved what I studied, and I might even remember some stuff. I checked my grades and considering how much grace I needed this past semester, I was totally good with it. Then a week later I was just gonna take another look at those grades, and was FLOORED when I saw that I totally missed my academic status: DEAN’S LIST. WAT.

If you don’t want to read anymore, here’s my testimony in a song. It’s so beautiful. At least just listen to it. ah.

If this is your 100th post you’re reading of mine, you know my whole story and might even be sick of it. If this is your first post, here’s the full story in a post called “God is Faithful.” If you’re too lazy to read it (but if you’re not convinced God keeps His promises, maybe take 5 minutes hehe), basically I was really proud in my academics and God needed to humble me and my parents. A biology and pre-med hopeful has become a child-development major who’s holding off on completing pre-med requirements until after graduation. I’ve gone from just excusing my mistakes because I was a freshmen –> academic probation 1 (which I didn’t tell anyone about) –> summer classes where things got worse –> academic probation 2 –> having trouble trusting God –> rebuilding my faith –> getting removed from AP2 completely –> DEAN’S LIST!

It’s just incredible. My heart is welling with thankfulness right now. You know, it’s not just because I’m not on academic probation anymore or anything to do with worldly accolades, it’s because I’ve come to a deeper revelation of who God is. That’s something that has no price on it. If I tell someone my GPA, no one would know the story behind it. How much work, doubt, and pain it took to get it there even though for a pre-med… it’s not the best. However, I made it my goal after seeing my transcript and not even noticing the Dean’s List part that I wanted to make all A’s during senior year. Not so it’s something nice to say or report to my parents, but there’s something in me that wants to give God the chance to WOW me even more. To use my seeds of investment in my studies to show my earthly dad that God can redeem anything. To make this testimony that seems to keep teaching me more and more about God expand into something crazy. Something that people can’t help but say is because of God. That’ll require faith on their part, but I think it’d be amazing to say that after four years at Tufts, God got me to graduate with a redeemed GPA, a passion to pursue, and a heart full of gratitude. And hey, what would it be like to tell my dad that God got me to graduate with honors? I don’t even know if it’s possible if I calculate it, but I’ll let God do His thing.

This past semester, I was confronted with academic situations that made me way uncomfortable with how familiar it felt. How I had not done my part as a student, how I was pretty much screwed for the exam the next day, how I felt like I’d never learn my lesson with time management. This is how I knew God taught me something. Freshmen and sophomore year, I would condemn myself. I’d believe Satan’s lies that I didn’t deserve a miracle, that I shouldn’t ask God for help because I didn’t deserve the grace, that I should just give up. I’d have long nights of helplessly trying to cram the material in on my own power. I dwelt in my failures and mistakes, figuring I didn’t deserve the help. I had no revelation that what the cross represents applies to academics too; I didn’t realize that everything I cared about, God cares more about. Junior year spring. I literally did not touch a textbook for two straight weeks because I couldn’t stop thinking about how my heart was shattered for children who are trapped in sex trafficking. It was an awful, depressed pit, but once I fought the enemy back, God pulled me right out. [for more testimonies about that check out February 2012 posts]. Then it hit me that I had a lot of catch-up to do. Instead of listening to Satan’s lies that I didn’t deserve extensions on quizzes or that I couldn’t pull it off, I told God that I walk in grace. I told God that I needed His multiplied wisdom. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” -James 1:5. I knew that He wanted to help me, so I asked and He gave freely. Yet, I was floored when I got As on exams that I only studied 2 hours for when it needed at least 20. When professors who didn’t know me at all gave me extensions right and left. When appointments and classes got cancelled giving me more time to study when I desperately needed it. I started to Walk the Walk of true faith.

Now that I’ve had a bit of time to reflect, God didn’t change the situation. He changed me. He changed me for the better. When I faced the same situations this past semester, I just spoke back God’s promises instead of doubting them like I used to. I stood firm, told Satan to shut up, and walked forward knowing God was going to come through. THAT was the difference. THAT is why I saw the results I wanted when I was on academic probation. God has taught me about what it looks like to be humble but authoritative co-heir of Christ.

I have faith in Jesus to heal every disease, to catch every tear that falls, to be everything that anyone ever needs. I use these lessons to remind myself of God’s faithfulness, but I don’t dwell in His faithfulness. I dwell with HIM. I live because He lives in me. So I don’t share this so you focus on the faithfulness of God to ME and dwell on that, I share this so YOU will desire HIM as well. Don’t desire the revelations, desire JESUS. Desire the relationship with GOD and just see where that adventure takes you.

While I’ve been home, I’ve been going on runs almost every day. One day, I realized that one summer ago, I was running away from God. I knew I needed faith. In that post, I knew what I needed to do: embrace grace. I still struggled so hard because I was just trying to do it in my own power instead of resting in God’s power. When that got frustrating, I Avoided God. When I finally relented and gave Him the control back, I ran back to Him. That’s what I thought at least. Truly, He never left me. It’s like I was that rebel kid attached to God with an elastic cord. I thought I was making headway all on my own, but God knew I’d come FLINGING back into Him when the tension in the cord reached its point. Now, I willingly lean back against Him and hear His heart beat. I’m never gonna try on my own. It just doesn’t work.

The more incredible part of all this? It seems like throughout all of this, people have noticed. The most common thing I hear from people is that they see a passionate faith for God. Isn’t that funny? Even when I felt like it was so small, God always shined through. So today, I just hope that if people see my faith, they’d not see ME but find themselves face-to-face with the Savior. The One I have faith in.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” -Psalm 100:4

Just because this is a special post to me, I will leave you with some special songs to me in addition to “Never Once”.

1. “You Will Reign” holds a lot of emotional attachment for me. It made me weep last summer because I had no faith to sing it. Then when I ran back to Him, I hoped in it. Today, it’s my anthem.

2. “Constant.” When I wavered, He never did. When I walked through fire, He was making me brighter. Just every word of this song rings true for this testimony.

3. “Promises.” Just a taste of how excited I am that God is so faithful to His promises

4. “The Stand” just wraps up my ultimate response to all of this. Just standing in awe of the One who gave it ALL.