Happenings

I haven’t posted in almost two months which is kind of crazy because SO SO SO much has been happening in my life, so my apologies to those who benefit from the words God uses on this blog. However, I simply found no desire to post yet….the timing was never quite right, even when I had posts ready in my head just because God is cool.

So it’s interesting that now He wants me to share. Not even 3 weeks ago I was the happiest person in the world, realizing that it really is true that whom the Son sets free is free indeed! I could have skipped around campus telling all of the freedom I finally understood, finally felt. Before that moment I had thought my heart was free, but there was a nasty little thumbtack still stuck on my heart that Jesus patiently helped me release. “Anisha, it’s time to heal.”

Oh but that changed quickly. Probably because Satan didn’t like how I was doing too much. So everything started pulling out from under me. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was losing a grasp on the world. Everything had been pure joy. I knew I was also learning a hard lesson on how to love myself….but something was wrong.

Now I’m going to ramble and it might not make sense, but I need an outlet that’s not just my brain and not just my best friend’s wonderful listening ears.

Love God, love yourself, love others. The unified, harmonious three elements of love, all from an outflow of knowing the Father’s love. God told me that I struggle with loving myself, but I didn’t know how to let that happen. I knew I naturally just loved people because I truly love being there for people whenever they need me. It’s so easy for me to love God because He’s just so awesome. Then it’s so easy to love people because of the overflow, but I guess God’s saying that I don’t really let the love sink into me. I just receive and push it back out without second thought. With people, it’s probably mainly my fault, but I don’t really let people love me the way I want to be loved. And when I do give them the chance, they completely miss it. I love people the way I want to be loved…am I just not getting what friendship means? It feels so selfish for me to ask people to do something for me, but if they just treated me like how I treated them/would treat them without me having to say so, I don’t think I’d be having so many relationship struggles. But that’s so unfair to expect that of people. How are they supposed to know if I don’t tell them? But why does no one ever really ask? And when people ask now, I can’t let them in because I can’t trust them anymore. Maybe my “need to be needed” is a dangerous thing. When I pondered it though, what if the way I feel most loved by people is when they need me? Is that bad? Is linking the two wrong? I don’t think so, but I’m having a really difficult time figuring out what that looks like. So…how do I love myself by letting others love me?

After a series of events and things, I suddenly found myself empty. Completely gave out all of me, completely exhausted. Unsure about what to do next but to just heal. It hurts a ton, and I wish I could just get my act together. I’m not being patient with myself. God told me to trust people again even though I have a hard time with that because of my past. So I did. Because I trust Him. But now it hurts even more because I trusted people but no one was there when I needed them. God told me that I let myself trust IN people not just trust people. I am only supposed to trust IN God. So when He could see that I was straying, why didn’t He just tell me before people got in too deep? It’s not like I don’t hear His voice. So I trusted God to let myself trust people again, and now that it hurts even more, I am having a hard time really trusting Him while I’m confused. So things are proving quite difficult when I don’t know how to trust in Him again because He’s usually my go-to. I don’t know where to turn.

I don’t know how to let God love me, let alone people. I don’t have to explain my heart or thoughts to God, so it’s easier to try to trust God again. He’s being very tender and very patient with my very raw and hypersensitive heart right now, but I’m just super cynical of people right now. Which isn’t good. Which I don’t know how to fix either. I could just hide, cut myself off from people again, not let anyone in. That strategy worked pretty well in grade school. Though, if I hadn’t tried again in college, I wouldn’t have all of these blessings of people in my life. So I’m caught somewhere in the middle now.

Sorry if this post makes you sad or worried, but it is my blog and is my current status so not sorry at the same time haha. This whole post (so how I have been for the past ~2 weeks) is so unlike me, which scares me. I think I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how to get myself back either. I know the Truth in my head that I am beloved, that I am on the Solid Rock, that Mr. Joy lives inside of me. I knowwwww. I just don’t know at the same time. An additionally difficult aspect of all of this is that I KNOW the truth about what Jesus says about me and I know which thoughts in my head are lies from the enemy. So the fact that I’m struggling almost makes me disappointed in myself, which isn’t fair to myself. mehhhhh.

And it’s spring break. The point was to enjoy all these people’s company as my last semester at Tufts wraps up and to have the best of times. Fill it with memories to hold on to, but as you can imagine, all I want to do is hide in a corner and let God hold me.

Perfect love casts out fear. I guess the main task ahead is to let Perfect Love aka God do His thing in me.

there are more thoughts, but right now, I don’t think it’s going to help to just tell you all of them.

“Ain’t no mountain high enough/Ain’t no valley low enough/Ain’t no river wide enough/to keep me from the love of Jesus”

Basically, His love never fails. repeat.

Chasin’ His Glory

“I’m counting on this training to slap me in the face (in the best way) that this is happening.” -myself in the post before training

I think it did.

This is the Post-Training entry. I thought a few days of reflection would help more than it did, but I still have things to absorb. Here’s my best shot for now.

Who? Serve Asia staff and all of the short-term mission teams (probably less than 20 of us) together [it WAS awesome to worship musically with them]

What? Prepping for our respective trips to Asia! It was pretty cool how everyone there has a heart for Asia

When? Our first session was after dinner on Friday and ended on Monday mid-morning

Where? At a retreat center nearish Denver!

Why? Because of our desire to follow where Jesus calls us!

1) Answered prayers! 

Everything I requested in my last post happened. I instantly bonded with my trip leader/mission mentor, Gabe. I got more information about the trip. My heart broke for Mongolia. It finally hit me that this is happening, and I am EXCITED.

2) The team

I’m not sure what I was expecting…maybe I was expecting that at least like 5-10 people were going to be on my team. It’s just going to be me, my trip leader, and Grace, a girl from Taiwan who we will meet for the first time in Mongolia. So just us three.

Honestly, not sure how I feel about such a small team, but we will be working with the long-term missionaries and other field hosts. Considering that Grace could not join us for training to at least get to know one another first, it will be an interesting dynamic when we first meet her extremely jet-lagged and probably cranky on my part. We’ll be doing weekly google hangouts to aid the unity. However, I am going to be praying for the instant connection that Gabe and I had in person! Join me!

It’s really awesome how God has weaved our stories together, and Gabe told me how encouraged he was that I completely blew out of the water all of his expectations of me (in a good way). I’m excited to get to know him so much better! He is a dad of two girls, has an incredible testimony, and has a big heart for Mongolia! It was fun to just hang out with him; I’ll just have to be really honest with him when I need some space, haha! Which brings me to…

3) The Serve Asia Staff

I have never met such an incredible group of people. I could tell from just emails the kindness and love that emanates from their words. So meeting them in person was so much better.

It was obvious to me how the source of who they were was Christ. Their passion for equipping all of us was obvious. They wanted us to go into our trips with the perspective of how this is God’s work weaving our stories together in His bigger story, how this isn’t just a trip but a small part of what God is doing in our lives, and how this is just a way for us to grow in intimacy with Jesus. They’ve been praying for us by name. When we parted ways for a bit until we meet again for debrief, I knew they meant it when they said they’d be praying for me. Also their own support teams have been praying for us by name before we even got there. It seems so small, but I just felt so loved when I got there and it was no effort for them to learn my name. They already knew it, but it was just a matter of matching my name to my face. I felt known, and that is no small feat.

The staff also conducted the sessions with such sincere passion and love for Christ and for us. I really appreciated the time they put into preparation for those sessions and for their wisdom. I mean, even the national director of OMF International came and spoke to us. That’s kinda awesome.

4) The Training part

My initial glance at the schedule of ten sessions made me a bit nervous at first that I was going to be really tired by the end. However, they did a great job in balancing out the content to accommodate how much we could handle. We talked about how amazing it is that we get to join in for a short while in what God is already writing in the story of the countries we are going to. We dug into what God’s glory really means. My group came up with this during one exercise…we made it very street talk haha: “God’s fame is in His name and His glory cannot be contained, for He deserves to be proclaimed.” We learned more about how OMF is pursuing Asia as they align with God’s heart for Asia. I really love what Hudson Taylor (the founder of OMF) said: “Unless there is an element of risk in your exploits for God, there is no need for faith.”

We spent a good bit of time in our teams and learning about how we will work as a team. I’ve never seen this approach before, but my appreciation for it has no words. Knowing ahead of time what frustrates me and Gabe and what to avoid is so great. We took the DISC test which is a tool to look at our temperaments. Really helpful to understand how you react to stressful situations. I’m a mix between a S and a C, making me a passive task-oriented, people person. Gabe and I cracked up when we realized that if you mix the animal comparisons of the beaver of a C and the golden retriever of the S, I’m a beaver retriever. Yes, that’s pretty much my new nickname. The team building activities the next day helped us see ourselves in action.

We had sessions on expectations & flexibility, culture shock,  and prayer & spiritual warfare. On the last night, we had a commissioning and worship service and the last morning session we prayed. I’ve had my feet washed about three times now, and it’s always so powerful. Just having my trip leader and coordinator pray for me as their hands held my feet…so powerful. The prayers on that last morning were exactly what I desired before. My heart broke for Mongolia.

5) Unexpected

The Rockies. I just did not register that I would see the Rockies. This is the view outside of our conference room. Like wat. Talk about never forgetting who your Creator is. Who knit you in your mother’s womb. All I had to do was just glance to my right for that reminder.

what a view

Also I shared my testimony with my team, and normal questions that come out of that are about my dad. [have I ever shared my conversion story here...will look into that... o_O] The daily prayer about my dad coming to know Jesus easily becomes a habit and loses heart. However, my coordinator really meant it when she said she’d pray for my dad. When we prayed on Monday morning for each other, she prayed for him. It was the most beautiful prayer for me in that moment. I don’t even remember what she said, but it just touched me so deeply. I need those reminders. That my dad needing Jesus should be an urgent, passionate prayer every day. When I got home too, I really felt that prayer was answered. My mom told me that my dad is thankful that I’m thinking about people and trying to help those in need. That’s incredible because when he returned from abroad and he had no idea I had applied and got accepted into this program, I was REALLY nervous about telling him. I thought he might be upset that I didn’t confer with him, but I was also set that this was my decision and that God was calling me there. He didn’t say much when I told him, so it was quite anticlimactic. However, hearing this from my mom really encouraged me. Also, my mom has had an unspoken prayer and desire that Mongolia would be my first experience in missions ever since a pastor shared at a revival meeting that he had work in Mongolia. God is freakin’ cool.

Well, that wasn’t so hard to update you on training. I actually have a lot more to say, but I think that will come in later posts as God prepares my heart and the lessons I learned from this weekend go to both my head and my heart. Maybe I’ll even write a post per session and what I was thinking and learning. We’ll see where God goes! Overall, I had an INCREDIBLE time. It was so fun, informative, and equipping.

Thanks for praying for me and supporting me everyone. I was expecting a fundraising update today, but didn’t come in. I have to finish fundraising the $3500 two weeks before I leave on July 4th! So basically I have 3 weeks to raise lots of monies. Please pray about it! Here’s my letter. Oh yes, I know more dates. I’m leaving July 4th and returning to California around August 6th for debrief for a few days. At debrief I’ll be reunited with some of my family I met this weekend After I read the book I was given on Mongolia and get more informed about the country, I’ll write one specifically about the country!

I also am unsure how internet is going to be working in Mongolia, but I’m think I’ll be able to give somewhat regular blog updates! When I’m in the capital, there should be internet but we might be going to a rural province too so probably no internet. I don’t know how email will work either because I’m still trying to figure out what security measures will need to be taken there. Will keep ya’ll updated as I find out more!

I love you all so much! You’ve really exemplified the Body of Christ to me!

I could write (and might end up) a whole post on this song, but here it is. As I prepare to go to Mongolia, I want to stop chasing the things of this world. I struggled for a bit about using this summer for missions instead of something medically oriented, but this is God’s call for me and THIS is what I want to chase. OH MY GOSH I forgot! I might be able to spend some time in Mongolia at a CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL. IF THIS WORKS OUT I AM GOING TO FLIP AND BE PERPETUALLY EXCITED AH.

“I’ll tell you what’s better, or better yet worse.
Chasin’ your own glory by doin’ the Lord’s work”

What are you chasing?

Unwritten

I’ve been looking forward to writing this post for a few months now. Since God told me what to write it about, I’ve been patiently waiting this moment…when I would post my…

100th POST!!!! WOOOOOOO

So we’re going to take a quick break from what’s going on in my life to take a moment to celebrate who and what this blog is about!

Wow, God is so good. He has worked through this in such amazing ways. As I shared in my 1-year anniversary post, I started this blog without really knowing what exactly blogging meant or what was going to happen to it. I wrote for many selfish reasons and was oblivious to the ways God was using it. It was all about me before, wanting everyone to read it so that I’d have better stats. Ha. I was fooling myself. It’s not about me at all, it’s all about Him.

Now, I don’t care whether 1 person clicks it or 100, I can never know what my story can mean to that person who clicked it. I used to question the value of a story…if you learn anything from this post, DON’T DOUBT IT.

Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely not easy to be vulnerable with others. Heck, it’s hard to do that with yourself. However, I don’t think I can tell you how much of a blessing it is. I don’t think I will ever get used to people randomly telling me how blessed they were to just happen upon my blog link. These stories are not about how Anisha is awesome or how Anisha figured things out, it’s about how a broken follower of Jesus tries her bestest to see the Love all around.

Now, I hope that this post will be able to encourage you to tell someone your story. Any story. It doesn’t have to be so public (yet), maybe it’s just your friend or mom or whoever. Don’t EVER underestimate the power of a story. When it comes to telling stories about Jesus, how can someone tell you that your story’s not true? “No, Anisha, I don’t think God brought you through that and proved His faithfulness to you.” Doesn’t make sense right? How do you know if someone can relate to your story? How do you know how it might have a tremendous effect on them, give them courage? Give them hope?

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people to who will also be qualified to teach others. -2 Timothy 2:2.

So teach from your own experiences. Maybe start with one person. Then see where God takes you. When I first created this blog, do you think I expected to post ALL about the most humbling experience of my life for the WHOLE WORLD to read? That as of this second, 551 people know that I was on academic probation from “No More Hiding.” After this post, maybe that number will increase, and hey, maybe it’s technically smaller or larger depending on repeat links/ people who just saw it on my home page/ etc. Whatever, the point is, I do NOT know 551 people. Like, really know, you know? Yes, I intentionally shared that link as much as possible, but dang. A girl found my link on Relevant and wrote this: “I’ve never met you before, but I hope that you will allow me to forward your post to friends. This is an amazing testimony that needs to be heard, and God’s redemption and grace just exudes through your words. May God continue to bless you to bear that fruit, and let it remain! All hail King Jesus!” I could have shared about the pain later after I got removed and it was pretty, wrapped-up testimony, but there’s a power in the vulnerability of the moment.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So I can tell you more about how blessed I feel to now say that I have publicly shared 100 stories of God’s goodness and grace, but it won’t compare to when you do it yourself. Recently, a sister shared a super vulnerable story, and before that, I tried my best to tell her not to worry because God was gonna blow her mind. God was going to bless her faithfulness in sharing, and she was gonna feel so free, so joyous, so blessed. There would be healing. There would be people who randomly email her who related and felt empowered from her story that God was writing. I knew though she couldn’t quite understand until she felt it for herself.

God has a funny way of using your faithfulness. Don’t make any more excuses. “I have a boring testimony.” “I’ve grown up in church my whole life, nothing exciting.” That’s just lies, ok? I say that lovingly. Grew up in church? Do you know how blessed you are? How many people wish that they weren’t lost in drugs or down in the deepest valley when Jesus had to sweep down and rescue them? You should be grateful…look back and see God’s goodness. It’s impossible that you don’t have a story. No story is boring when it involves King Jesus. Every time someone trusts and puts their faith in God, makes themselves vulnerable and surrendering their hurt, confusion, and everything in their lives to the One who gave it all…that’s nothing short of a miracle. So tell that story. “You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” -Psalm 77:14

If you’ve ever experienced His love, whether it was seeing His creativity in nature or hearing God through a friend’s words or through music or whatever it is, then you have a story to tell. No way to escape it.

Lately, it was mind-blowing that I was given chances to encourage people to share through my own experiences of sharing. Didn’t see that coming, and here I am, doing it again. Pray for God to give you strength if it seems scary. Maybe you’ll start small, but just be ready for where God takes you. I love laughing with God when I publish a post that I hope falls into oblivion, but God manages to make it a popular post. Then the ones I hope people will read get like 2 clicks. Just be careful of creating expectations. Whenever I doubted whether this blog was worth it, God would always bring one person to remind me that somehow God was being glorified through these stories. Now, I post expecting no encouragement, no praise, whether I get 550 hits or 1, I trust that God will lead the right people to them. And one person is more than enough, and if no one clicks it, great. I stayed faithful, and I was able to write about just another good thing God did for me. He’s taught me so much about His goodness through the act of sharing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

If you’re a Tufts student reading this, you have until 2/29 to send in a testimony to the second edition of The Book of Testimonies, a vision God gave to one of my dearest brothers. This is the perfect chance, so take it. If you have questions, let me know, and I can direct you to the right people.

I knew that when I heard “Unwritten” at the human trafficking film forum, it was going on this post. Just as that song is PERFECT when you think about how it can encourage those women who have escaped the trap of modern day slavery, it can encourage you too. There’s a blank page before you, and only you can write the words. It might be scary, but it’ll be freeing. Only you can feel the rain. Tell a friend, a parent, a stranger, a church, a fellowship. So go ahead and try, and I know God is so excited for what’s about to happen for you. He must have been so excited for me. He’s a great Daddy, isn’t He?

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21