I haven’t posted in almost two months which is kind of crazy because SO SO SO much has been happening in my life, so my apologies to those who benefit from the words God uses on this blog. However, I simply found no desire to post yet….the timing was never quite right, even when I had posts ready in my head just because God is cool.
So it’s interesting that now He wants me to share. Not even 3 weeks ago I was the happiest person in the world, realizing that it really is true that whom the Son sets free is free indeed! I could have skipped around campus telling all of the freedom I finally understood, finally felt. Before that moment I had thought my heart was free, but there was a nasty little thumbtack still stuck on my heart that Jesus patiently helped me release. “Anisha, it’s time to heal.”
Oh but that changed quickly. Probably because Satan didn’t like how I was doing too much. So everything started pulling out from under me. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was losing a grasp on the world. Everything had been pure joy. I knew I was also learning a hard lesson on how to love myself….but something was wrong.
Now I’m going to ramble and it might not make sense, but I need an outlet that’s not just my brain and not just my best friend’s wonderful listening ears.
Love God, love yourself, love others. The unified, harmonious three elements of love, all from an outflow of knowing the Father’s love. God told me that I struggle with loving myself, but I didn’t know how to let that happen. I knew I naturally just loved people because I truly love being there for people whenever they need me. It’s so easy for me to love God because He’s just so awesome. Then it’s so easy to love people because of the overflow, but I guess God’s saying that I don’t really let the love sink into me. I just receive and push it back out without second thought. With people, it’s probably mainly my fault, but I don’t really let people love me the way I want to be loved. And when I do give them the chance, they completely miss it. I love people the way I want to be loved…am I just not getting what friendship means? It feels so selfish for me to ask people to do something for me, but if they just treated me like how I treated them/would treat them without me having to say so, I don’t think I’d be having so many relationship struggles. But that’s so unfair to expect that of people. How are they supposed to know if I don’t tell them? But why does no one ever really ask? And when people ask now, I can’t let them in because I can’t trust them anymore. Maybe my “need to be needed” is a dangerous thing. When I pondered it though, what if the way I feel most loved by people is when they need me? Is that bad? Is linking the two wrong? I don’t think so, but I’m having a really difficult time figuring out what that looks like. So…how do I love myself by letting others love me?
After a series of events and things, I suddenly found myself empty. Completely gave out all of me, completely exhausted. Unsure about what to do next but to just heal. It hurts a ton, and I wish I could just get my act together. I’m not being patient with myself. God told me to trust people again even though I have a hard time with that because of my past. So I did. Because I trust Him. But now it hurts even more because I trusted people but no one was there when I needed them. God told me that I let myself trust IN people not just trust people. I am only supposed to trust IN God. So when He could see that I was straying, why didn’t He just tell me before people got in too deep? It’s not like I don’t hear His voice. So I trusted God to let myself trust people again, and now that it hurts even more, I am having a hard time really trusting Him while I’m confused. So things are proving quite difficult when I don’t know how to trust in Him again because He’s usually my go-to. I don’t know where to turn.
I don’t know how to let God love me, let alone people. I don’t have to explain my heart or thoughts to God, so it’s easier to try to trust God again. He’s being very tender and very patient with my very raw and hypersensitive heart right now, but I’m just super cynical of people right now. Which isn’t good. Which I don’t know how to fix either. I could just hide, cut myself off from people again, not let anyone in. That strategy worked pretty well in grade school. Though, if I hadn’t tried again in college, I wouldn’t have all of these blessings of people in my life. So I’m caught somewhere in the middle now.
Sorry if this post makes you sad or worried, but it is my blog and is my current status so not sorry at the same time haha. This whole post (so how I have been for the past ~2 weeks) is so unlike me, which scares me. I think I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how to get myself back either. I know the Truth in my head that I am beloved, that I am on the Solid Rock, that Mr. Joy lives inside of me. I knowwwww. I just don’t know at the same time. An additionally difficult aspect of all of this is that I KNOW the truth about what Jesus says about me and I know which thoughts in my head are lies from the enemy. So the fact that I’m struggling almost makes me disappointed in myself, which isn’t fair to myself. mehhhhh.
And it’s spring break. The point was to enjoy all these people’s company as my last semester at Tufts wraps up and to have the best of times. Fill it with memories to hold on to, but as you can imagine, all I want to do is hide in a corner and let God hold me.
Perfect love casts out fear. I guess the main task ahead is to let Perfect Love aka God do His thing in me.
there are more thoughts, but right now, I don’t think it’s going to help to just tell you all of them.
“Ain’t no mountain high enough/Ain’t no valley low enough/Ain’t no river wide enough/to keep me from the love of Jesus”
Basically, His love never fails. repeat.