Wonderfully Made

This post has been BURNING on my heart for more than a week, but now I think I get why God wanted me to finish with this timing.

My love for people has grown incredibly. It’s quite funny when you think about how that identity crisis started in middle school with those mean girls at lunch who completely rejected me (I love them now! hah). I started to form myself around what I wanted people to think of me. Even after believing in Christ and receiving His grace, I still had this problem of trying to be whoever people wanted me to be INSTEAD of being me as God intended. It took a few years for me to realize that God’s opinion of me was all that really mattered. Sophomore year at Tufts I was finally able to let go of the unforgiveness I had for those 5th grade girls (oh. so basically it was the first day of school at a new school in Alabama, didn’t know anyone, set my tray down, before I sat down for lunch at a table with 8 girls they all simultaneously rose and moved to the next table). After forgiving, I was able to just…be… ME. It was incredibly freeing. That was really the start of finding who I was in God, and now???? NOW people might say falsehoods about me and assume things about me when they haven’t talked to me, but I DON’T CARE. I love them! While no one can offend me and make me cry alone in my room because I KNOW what GOD says about me, doesn’t mean that I don’t listen to what God might be saying through them. I just don’t allow lies about who I am to eat me up when I know that God knows me best and just loves me! “God knows that true change only comes through being loved, so change isn’t His priority, love is. It isn’t that He isn’t concerned about us growing; it is that He knows the best way for us to grow is to be loved.” -Tyler Johnson

My facebook status the other day: “LOVE is such a huge word. Then again, it feels so small when an “I love you” to someone just doesn’t do justice to how I feel inside. Even when I say it a lot. That’s why I want to hug people for so long…I figure the longer hug says something more. I hope they can actually feel the love because I can feel it overflowing from me. Loving with my actions. GOD IS LOVE. God feels so big while also being in every detail. He’s amazing.”

Dudes are you getting this?!??!?! It’s INCREDIBLE. When you’re free of/died to yourself (aka if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, you received His death and resurrection on the cross, meaning, you also died and rose again to NEW LIFE…check out Romans 6), it makes you FREE to just BE GOD’S PRECIOUS CHILD. It FREES you to BE LOVE ITSELF. Heaven isn’t later, heaven is NOW. “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” -John 17:3. That tells me that I’m experiencing eternal life because I’m getting to know Jesus better and better every moment! WEEE! He didn’t say eternal life was going to heaven because Jesus restored heaven INTO us. I wouldn’t have testimonies of healing if Jesus wasn’t inside of me. I can’t heal anyone by just saying words and putting my hand on them. I CAN do this because I am declaring the TRUTH of what Jesus already accomplished on the cross. IT IS SO FREEING I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.

How? Well my main…really only advice…to people is that there is a huge difference between letting God love you and knowing God loves you. How do you let God love you? Dude, that’s between you and God. That’s why it’s so special. It’s a relationship where only you can love God the way you can. Why??? Because He made you special. You’re His favorite! You might be thinking…”well if everyone is His favorite, then no one is special.” But no! His love is SO BIG that it actually means EVERYONE is His favorite! So let Him love you how only He can. “Can’t nobody love me bettah, make me happy, make me feel this wayyyy!” Nobody but God Himself, the Creator of the Universe, can love you as He can because He. Made. YOU. He thought of you before the foundation of the world and loved you then. His love has never failed, it has never flinched. He knows you better than you know yourself. That’s why we’re growing. We grow when we realize more and more of who we are, of how He created us. It’s a discovery of how freeing it is to be yourself! A child of God! Free to run and dance and sing! Free to frolic in the field with Papa God skipping and giggling because He’s the BEST DAD EVER.

Dear you reading this post, you are soooooo special. Dad wants you to know that. He wants you to know that you are wonderfully and fearfully made. He understands you when you think no one else does. He gets how you feel because He felt everything to the extreme when Jesus was on the earth. He took all your pain and loneliness so you don’t have to feel it. You get to experience wholeness and fullness of life because your body is a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. You are FULL of WONDER. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. The Father’s fingerprints are in your DNA. Did you know you have a special blood song? It’s crazy. [okay, biological details flee me but the point is] apparently some researchers at MIT realized that certain proteins make noises. So they chose blood to research. What did they find? Not only did the blood make noises, but it made a MELODIOUS song. Aka, EVERYONE’S BLOOD SINGS. Our DNA is unique, making everyone’s blood song unique! WHAT CRAZY RIGHT. Thennnnn they took a sample from a man’s liver that had cancer, and the sample was a discordant, ugly tune. Why? that cancer does NOT belong in that body! crazy God. crazy.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14

His thoughts for you cannot be compared to the sands on the shore. I’ve realized through my love for someone how incredible it is that God can’t stop thinking about us. All of us. My love for that person was so intense that I just felt like exploding. If I wasn’t thinking about God or doing homework or whatever, I was thinking about her. I couldn’t help myself. All these creative thoughts about how I could make her happy or express my love surprised me. I would happily go out of my way to do whatever would make her smile, to make her feel better, to address any need she had JUST because I loved her. That’s it. That’s how it should be I think. A pure, uninhibited, simple, furious love. THAT’S our God. A God who can’t wait to just surprise with new ways to express His love, whether it be with words or an unexpected hug or a gift from His huge stash.

It’s hard to grasp how deep this Love is, but you know, that’s what makes all this so fun. Dad is fun! He makes me laugh and smile so much. Every day I grow in an understanding of how deep His love has always been, not how His love is growing. I’m the one growing here, seeing more and more of how union with the Godhead makes me explode with happiness!

On the 6th, I turned the big two-one. 21 years ago, I somehow made it out of my mother’s womb at 10:17 am. Lately, birthdays have been about celebrating and honoring my parents, the ones who brought me here. Here’s a video I made to honor them and you can laugh at all my awkward little Anisha photos.

I decided to enter into my birthday worshiping, so I was just alone in my room. In the secret place with Daddy. I would normally share everything, but it was so special I want it to be between me and Daddy. I can tell you this though. I realized I had spent birthdays being particularly thankful for my parents who have cared for me all the days of my life, but what I didn’t fully appreciate in the light of birthdays was how God has been there even when I didn’t know it. When I didn’t appreciate it. BEFORE I was even born. BEFORE the foundation of the WORLD. WHAT. That’s awesome.

So it’s only been 21 years on this earth with my Dad. I can’t wait for how He’s going to use me, a creation that he wonderfully made. He thinks each hair on my head is more beautiful and precious to Him than anything else in the natural creation, like even the Alps. I am His creation that has a special destiny as a doctor, to be a light to the world. The best part of all of this is that my birthday wasn’t really even thatttt special. Every day feels like a birthday because Jesus is with me! It’s so fun and special every single day! Being with Jesus? “It’s not a place of depression, in fact it is where all of heaven opened up and God poured out all your birthdays, Christmases, and Disneylands in one flail swoop. It is where every drop of the intoxicating wine of His love was poured out. The depressed self is dead.” -John Crowder, Mystical Union

I can’t find this song on youtube, but it’s on the Father of Lights: Music Inspired by the Film album, it’s called “Wonderfully Made” by Ben & Kelly Smith. This Spotify embedding thing should work…it’s a beautiful song. I love you all and wish I could hug you. *virtual hug*

Simple

Oh dear I haven’t written a proper blog post in a long time and there’s so much I want to write about. Ah. Mongolia feels like it happened 3 years ago. Maybe even 4 now that school has started. Power and Love conference was such deep revelation and truth that I finally know I am completely free to be who I want to be. Tufts University is getting ROCKED by LOVE (God) and it is so much awesomeness. I am perpetually excited inside and the Holy Spirit is helping me know when to let it out and when to just let it sizzle like a fire ready to burst into flames.

I asked God what I should write about, but then He just asked me the same question right back. So I’ll start with that. It’s called relationship. A personal and deeply intimate relationship with God, the Creator of the Universe who thought of and loved me before the foundation of the world. BOOM. Mind blown every time I think about it. Please get this. The intimacy I have with God is not something that only Anisha can experience, YOU CAN TOO because He values you so much. The stories I’ve been telling on my testimonies page are not just for ‘anointed people’ or ‘people God chose to do that stuff’ or whatever. We are all chosen for these purposes. To glorify God through loving people as we love ourselves because ultimately, GOD LOVES US! WEEEEEE! If you haven’t surrendered your life to Jesus, that’s okay! He loves you! His love never flinches when He thinks about you. Even if you’re not sure about Him, He is sure about you. He believes in you and can’t help but think about you and gaze upon your beautiful face. You have probably heard that the cross just reminds you of how sinful you are. You were born into a sinful state of complete self-consumption and pride. After eating of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve lost their focus on God’s goodness and love and immediately thought of themselves. I think sin really comes down to selfishness. Jesus said to deny YOURSELF. So we must get in the way a lot. God asked Adam and Eve, “Where are you?” even though He knew. He desires you to be vulnerable with Him in a relationship. He wasn’t upset at Adam but rather tried to shift their focus off of themselves by helping them clothe themselves and reminding them of who they were. Isn’t that beautiful? He sent His son to restore us to our original nature of just purity in relationship with God. Doesn’t mean we don’t get tempted by our human nature. However, that nature dies when you surrender to Jesus. He died so that we could be free. WHOM THE SON SETS FREE IS FREE INDEEDY! He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross. That is not completely a revelation of how much he hates sin. It’s a revelation of our value as lost sons and daughters. He hates what that sin does to His children.

As I talked about in the first posts of 2012, I knew that Jesus had proved His faithfulness to me when He didn’t have to during my past few years at Tufts. My response? 2012′s resolution was to be obedient. If I trust God’s faithfulness, it made sense that I would naturally just obey. I’ve been reminded of this resolution I made recently. “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” -Luke 18: 16-17. This verse has made me wonder about whether I am like a child. Do I have child-like faith? During the last part of the summer, God told me that He loves how I am like a child when I am with Him lately. Once I had a vision of just frolicking in a field with Jesus, as a child. You know when you are laying down on your back, put your feet on a small child’s chest and pick them up on your legs and pretend to fly them on an airplane? If that made no sense, I’m sorry if that sounds slightly torturous. I promise that some kids love it. Well, I saw Jesus taking me on an airplane ride. In my small mind, I was like…. I’m heavy… how is this possible…. hahaha. That’s when I realized it was like my spirit, my child-like spirit, was what he was lifting. As I type this, it feels strange… but yeah, I think I understand a little more about what it means to receive God’s love like a child. Like a daughter sitting in her Daddy’s lap and just letting Him cuddle her, letting Him kiss her head, and letting Him just gaze upon my face and never look away. I will try to describe something else…. imagine a person laying on their belly with their palms under their chin and fingers wrapping around their cheeks. The kind of thing you imagine when someone might be gazing at something in the distance or something. Well, that’s how I see Jesus every time I close my eyes lately. I just see Him in that position, just gazing upon my face and smiling. Never looking away. Always with me.

So now that I’ve explained that, I didn’t anticipate this child-like faith to lead to child-like, simple obedience. I’ve had two instances recently which are both exciting decisions that normally would have been complicated decisions. Ones requiring me to weigh the options and carefully consider it. Well I guess I have a new normal.  It’s SO MUCH EASIER to just obey. John 10 is a parable that came to life for me this summer which is for a later post, but man, hearing God’s voice is a powerful thing. Everyone hears Him, it’s just whether you realize it’s Him. Man, John 10 is so beautiful. I’ll write about it soon I hope. I am Jesus’s sheep, so I recognize His voice and follow it obediently. Not because I have to, but because I trust that He has the best intentions for me so that I will thrive. He loves me and knows me. Doesn’t mean that the stranger (the enemy/the devil) doesn’t try to lead me elsewhere, but I choose to run away from it back into the arms of my Good Shepherd. Oh this is so beautiful.

1. This summer, my dad had been asking me to have a serious talk with him about post-grad plans but I was totally not prepared for that because I hadn’t chatted to God about it yet. I wasn’t worried (incapable of worry/stress for a while now) or really active about figuring it out with God. I wanted to remain in Boston to finish up my pre-med classes before going to medical school, but my dad wanted me to go back home to Alabama to do those classes. At Summit (pre-semester conference with my fellowship), I was just chilling with God. I wasn’t asking about it, but…

God: You’re going to go home after graduation.

Me: oh. okay, why?

God: It’s your dad’s time.

Me: !!!! of course I’ll go! and what do you mean by that?!

God: Your father cannot see how much you are being transformed by Me by only having random 2-minute conversations every once in a while, He needs to see you live it out.

Me: !!!! well… what about my friends?

God: you have your Best Friend with you all the time don’t you?

Me: hahaha, I know. you’re right.

WAAAAA!!!! SO EXCITING. Many people have been praying for my dad (who’s Muslim) ever since we met Jesus that he would surrender his life to Jesus as well, so this is absolutely tremendously super duper exciting. I called my dad shortly after returning to campus and he was surprised because he didn’t anticipate me budging so easily. I hadn’t told my mom yet about this (which is unusual) so when my dad told her she started defending my position to remain in Boston. Haha! Then when I told her it was God, she just told me how proud she was that I obey God without hesitation and how blessed she felt to have a daughter like me. Man, I am blessed to have a mom like her. So. I’M EXCITED TO BE A LIGHT TO MY HOUSEHOLD! Especially since this will probably be the last time I’m at home for an extended period with med school and hopefully marriage in my near future, I am excited to see what God has in store for this next season.

2. In terms of serving my fellowship, I remember saying last semester that I didn’t want to serve officially my senior year. I was excited about that and these first two weeks have been quite freeing to just be a member of TCF without the usual responsibilities. Then I started to realize I kept envisioning myself in certain situations where I was hanging out with freshmen, or wanting to tell freshmen things about my walk with God, or wanting to tell freshmen that I didn’t want to be a distant, scary senior who didn’t want to walk with them. So I asked God if this was more than just being a senior friend to the freshmen. He said yes, so I joined the freshmen ministry core team. God didn’t stop putting these thoughts in my head about formal leadership though, so I asked a few questions of my sister who is leading freshmen ministry. I determined to spend Saturday afternoon talking to God about this, so I allotted a bit of time for this. I sat down, became still before God, and told Him that I was ready to hear what He had to say. Within literally two seconds:

God: you need to be a leader.

Me: okay.

SIMPLE OBEDIENCE HUH. I surprised myself even. Simple. Came out of my love for Jesus and my trust in His plan for me and this fellowship. I knew that was His voice, so why spend more time questioning it when it’s just EASIER to just go when He says go. So that night I was officially invited and realized how FUNNY God is. I was so not expecting official leadership for this year, but here I am! Being an answer to my sister’s prayer without realizing it. See. Obedience has many more implications than just for your own life. Very excited to serve and get to know these beautiful freshmen. To love on them and be a light there with an awesome leadership team. The next day was the first time I actually tried to figure out what exactly I had on my plate and how my schedule would look. To no surprise, everything’s perfect. It’s a joy to do this and I’ll be able to handle it because GOD KNOWS what He is doing!

It’s really all quite simple. LOVE. Let God love on you. Then when you slowly realize the magnitude of his love, you will learn to love God with your entire being. You will see yourself as He sees you and you’ll love yourself like crazy. When you know how He sees you, then you’ll realize He loves everyone that same way. THAT enables you to see others as God sees them and love THEM as God loves them because GOD IS IN YOU. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

A great song.

I Felt the Love

Well I am currently in the Mongolian airport still crying even though we said goodbye like 30 minutes ago or something. The personnel at security and immigration stared at me because I was a messy, teary-eyed foreigner who looked like she would explode. Safe to say that I super HATE goodbyes because I tend to sad cry than happy or angry cry, so this was my tear ducts’ moment to shine. We were all just joking around and laughing, but the second someone said it was time for goodbye the tears just started rolling. It was like a reflex. I even surprised myself which says a lot. The amount of sadness I have right now that I don’t know exactly when I will see this amazing host family again or see Grace again and laugh with her cannot be explained. I just reread Grace’s letter slowly and carefully. I will cherish it forever. I’m guessing I’ll reread it another 20 times before I step onto American soil again. And at first I thought the random paper she used was silly, but it’s so perfect. Reminds me of a lot of special moments I’ve had with her.

I am not sure when I will get wifi to publish this from my phone, but I do have some things I want to say as Gabe and I leave on our 31st day of this journey for debrief in Los Angeles.

1) People can have a tremendous effect on me. I don’t really remember the last time I cried this long and still feeling like I need a good heavy cry (what is preventing me now is that people have been staring at me). Maybe it’s the accumulation of all the sadness that has built up to this public display. Since my return from Nalaikh to UB, the distance from the place I’ve been for the past 2ish weeks made me realize that I missed it. I still don’t know why I miss it because the language barrier prevented super deep connections from occurring, but I definitely liked them. While I was there, I didn’t feel particularly affected by what was happening, but the undeniable desire to be with them again made me question what exactly this effect they’ve had on me came from. I hope to keep in touch with them on Facebook which for some will be in broken, extremely simple English. (I’ve finally stopped crying now)

2) I’m unsure still about what I will miss. I know I will definitely NOT miss the dusty air of the world’s 2nd most polluted city. I could feel my respiratory system getting filled with nasty particles, hence the use of a bandana to cover my face frequently. Obviously I naturally will miss people, but is there something more? Do I miss the church office where many memories were made? Will I miss the natural beauty? Do I miss these things only because of the people who I associate those places with?

3) I know that God brought Grace and I together for a special reason. We connected deeply quite quickly. There’s something special about what we had. I am one who takes a while to trust someone and let them into my heart, but somehow she just came right into some of my most intimate thoughts and troubles. The undeniable impact we have had on each other cannot be denied. If I didn’t do anything else on this trip besides become Grace’s friend and sister, this trip was worth it. However, why did we connect in this way, in Mongolia, at this time? Did I have any effect on a Mongolian’s life? What was my purpose here? Maybe those are the wrong questions. Maybe I should just focus on being thankful for this opportunity even when I don’t understand its effects. I’ve been fighting the sentiment of not feeling like Anisha was needed at all in the Nalaikh church. Why did they need me for my testimony or my presence? What about me helped if it all? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am having trouble trusting that God had a special purpose for my time in this particular country interacting with the Mongolians I spent time with.

I suppose what I want to say is please pray for my next few days at debrief (8/06 until 8/09). I have had a bit of trouble processing why I am feeling or thinking certain things, so pray for God to speak clearly to me and help me during my time at debrief. I want to make sure I am listening to what God is telling me that He is trying to teach me. I don’t want to relish in what I think is a good lesson but in what God has in mind. Some ideas I have are generosity, loving with actions, the importance of multiculturalism and language to me, and confirming my calling to be a missionary. There are so many things that God was probably shoving in front of my face, but I need His help to notice. During host country debrief, I was told that it takes almost a year on average for short-termers to get a more complete picture about what the trip was like and what happened. So keep praying for that if you would be so kind and remember me occasionally.

I have now boarded and can feel another cry coming on. Not sure if it’s for this country or what, but I anticipated getting sad on the plane. These tear ducts impress me sometimes. Even though I’m sad, it’s because I felt the love tonight and many other nights in this beautiful country. God, thank you for this chance to come here, keep us safe on this soon-to-be tiring journey, and just comfort those who need you so desperately even as they go to sleep now in Mongolia.

One of the theme songs for this trip: