Surrender

I feel like I need to say some things, so we’ll see where this goes.

Jesus is AMAZING. I submit and surrender to Him. No one else. Yes there are people who I respect and honor, but I do not submit to them as I submit to God. No one else deserves that response as God does. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” -Proverbs 9:10. The often mentioned “fear of the Lord” used to confuse me. I didn’t feel like I was afraid of Him and when I thought about it, Jesus says to not be afraid. Come to think of it, I didn’t really want an intimate relationship with someone I was afraid of… but wait, was I supposed to only be afraid of God? Then I read something by Tyler Johnson that finally answered that uncertainty in my heart. That feeling that there was something wrong about all this. “Fearing God’s punishment is always an indication of immaturity in the life of a believer. We have all been there. Rather, have awe towards God. Gaze upon His beauty. Let His love undo you for how accepting it is and how unconditional it is despite your problems. That is the fear, or awe of God, and that is the beginning of wisdom.” I’m pretty sure I just laughed when I read that section of the book. Why? I used to think I wasn’t gaining any wisdom because Proverbs 9:10 said the fear of the Lord was the beginning and I didn’t think I was there. Now I realize that’s exactly where I started! He’s amazing. What’s the name of this blog? Anisha stands. Why? Based on my favorite song ever because it’s just a powerful anthem that represents my life. The Stand by Hillsong United.

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

Um, I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kinda awesome that He thought of us and loved us before the foundation of the world. That He is the Creator who made me His child. His precious daughter with an incredible inheritance. As beautiful as Creation is, isn’t it freakin’ crazy that He thinks every hair (even arm hairs) is more precious and beautiful to Him than anything else in Creation?! Like even the Alps.

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

Even though God created the Law and made it possible for us to fulfill, we failed…hard. That’s what Jesus came to do! To perfectly fulfill every law and to achieve the inheritance we kept missing as sinners. After Jesus was just living life for 30 years in complete absence of sin, He was baptized and the heavens opened and God said “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Reminds Jesus of His identity before He goes into ministry. After 30 years of pleasing God perfectly. Oh also there’s something in Hebraic culture where the son receives the inheritance after age 30 or something cool like that. So yeah we didn’t do all that perfect life-living. Guess what though? Jesus lives in us. hahahah. that’s awesome. What Jesus did on the cross is finished work. nothing we have to do but BELIEVE. That’s why the enemy messes with our belief, if he does that then we forget who we are as children of God and doubt and all that bad stuff. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever BELIEVES in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Notice He didn’t say “may go to heaven.” Just saying. Anyways, I used to be sin-conscious and then felt shameful/guilty/gross/bad things satan wanted me to be whenever I failed. Over and over. HAHA. but guess what! The cross is a revelation of my VALUE as a daughter of God not a revelation of my sin. That means if I look at myself as God sees me, then I won’t be so worried about when I sin. Rather, I have a righteous mindset that enables me to focus on what Jesus did and how God sees Jesus in me. It’s not when I sin but if I sin. I am righteous because of Jesus. You won’t ever know my heart as Jesus does, but I am here to say that I don’t mean self-righteous/proud. As in, after I gave Jesus my life, I became righteous and perfect in His eyes. YAY GOD. So I don’t go around telling people that “because I’m a sinner…” blah blah I want to foster a righteous mindset and focus on how amazing Jesus is not on whether I mess up. Doesn’t mean I completely ignore my sin against God or others. I don’t ask for forgiveness if that happens though. I remember that I’ve ALREADY been forgiven and stand back on that Truth (Jesus). I just remember that I received it already and it’s there for me to grab! I just have to forgive myself really haha!

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

There’s really no other response when you realize how awesome Dad is. He’s awesome. Just let Him love on me and then I become love to others as I love myself. I’m pretty amazing. Jesus thinks I am, so I think I am too! I wouldn’t want anyone else to have my heart as Jesus does. I am a human BEing, not a human DOing, so I’m just gonna be with Jesus all the time. That’s a promise. I don’t have to do anything for Him to love me! I don’t have to feel Him to know He’s with me. He is true to His word so He never leaves me.

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

Ephesians 6:10-20. The helmet of salvation is just one of those crucial elements of the armor of God. All the other things are essential too. As I walk with Jesus, He will show Himself through my actions because I am realizing more and more of who I am every moment. His Spirit is EXPLODING in me. Man, I want to just hug everyone I see and/or laugh up a storm. I’ve been trying to control it somewhat so I can actually interact with people, but sometimes I just can’t contain it and soon I just won’t be able to control it anymore either. This life is a testimony. Every moment ideally. Yeah, still growing but I would hope that of anything I can say of myself that I hope people notice is that I am obsessed with Jesus. Like lately on facebook statuses that shouldn’t have anything to do with Jesus, I just want to add something about Him because everything DOES have to do with Jesus because He’s in everything I do. “‘Cause everything you do, just screams ‘I love you’ and everything you are, says “I care”‘

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

DUDE. Ephesians 6: 10-20 again. “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” boom. What’s your attitude? Complete surrender to God (when you do that, you automatically resist the devil so you don’t even need to focus on the stupid little guy because God is so much bigger). Every day I am in awe of Him because He’s AMAZING. Sometimes I can’t handle how awesome He is that I just have to lay down and hug Him. Ultimately, ALL I AM IS YOURS. I am His. He is mine. I am His daughter if I haven’t said that enough. That’s the foundation of it all. I just love Him and He loves on me. simple. the Gospel is so simple it makes me laugh. Jesus! whenever I say His name I giggle. heehee

“God knows that true change only comes through being loved, so change isn’t His priority, love is. It isn’t that He isn’t concerned about us growing; it is that He knows the best way for us to grow is to be loved.” -Tyler Johnson

This song wrecks me.

Soak

I just feel like it’s important for me to say this. I don’t know why, but even though all I have is time at home, I find it harder to connect to God as much as I do at Tufts. Maybe it’s the change in people who surround me or the loss of constant business at school which further necessitates the rejuvenation I get from resting in His presence. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I don’t talk to God constantly here. I talk about Him and think about Him, but I don’t really talk to Him much more than my daily prayers for others. It’s a strange thing that I realized was draining me somehow.

He invited me to just chill with Him so I decided to intentionally focus on Him and His presence. To just rest with Him and enjoy Him as He delights in me. So yesterday, I remembered this song.

Then I remembered why I love His presence so much. It’s because He can love me more in a moment than all the lovers could in a lifetime. I’ve listened to a lot of worship songs on youtube, but man, I don’t know if it’s possible to not sense the presence of the Lord through this song (and the youtube spiral you might go on after this like I did haha) and how Bethel Church just sits at His feet. I found myself just randomly crying while I was soaking these songs in because His presence just touched me so deeply. This love is SUPER deep and BEYOND our understanding. Stop putting God in a box! Every time I get a revelation of His love, it’s only a taste of the immensity of how deep, furious, passionate, unending, and reckless it really is. It’s just…everything.

We are meant to be loved. It’s a longing in your heart that you cannot deny. The only One who can fully satisfy that desire is God. That’s the good news isn’t it? “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39. It’s true! Nothing you do will ever be able to separate you from His love. Your failures, your weaknesses, your addictions, your doubts, your pride… He loves you through those things and just wants You to come to Him with that so His power may rest on you! “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9. His love sets you free. This truth sets you free. It’s not about striving to gain His attention or doing all the right things so He’ll love you. He can’t take His eyes off of you. He has loved and will always love you whether you realize it or not. So yes, we come to Him with lots of flaws and baggage, but His love will refine us. He loves you as you are, but He also has some changes to make in you. A never-ending, beautiful process as He grows you in His love.

Rich Mullins said this: “I think one of the hardest things in the Christian life is (and especially for people who have grown up in America) … [that] we’re very arrogant people. And I think it’s very hard to allow God to break us…When the Lord loves He chastens, and…if we’ll never be broken, we’ll never be saved. God doesn’t break us because He hates us or because He’s angry at us, but we have to be broken just like you have to break a horse [...] Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation.”

So just soak it in. Admit you need Him and Him alone. A loving Savior and Best Friend who knows you better than you know yourself. Sit with Him and see what happens. Be a laid-down lover.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13

No Turning Back

Oh how I wish that life was easier. How I wish I could have more than one week of joyful bliss, of having carefree days of productive schoolwork and life-giving relationships and restful sleeps that are all an outflow of blessings from an intimate relationship with God.

It’s possible! but oh it’s not easy.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. -Matthew 7:13-14

This verse has made more and more sense to me as I walk with Him. I’ve realized lately how tired I am of the constant struggles. As soon as something ends, it feels like yet another thing pops up. It’s frustrating and tiring. Especially since I’m re-reading The Final Quest (a powerful vision of what what faith+hope+love in heaven is really like) I’ve been longing for heaven so much. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m maturing spiritually and/or that I’m a Tufts student exposed to the “I’m going to change the world” motto all the time, but I’ve finally realized what it means that we live in a broken world. I never thought I’d ever feel a hopelessness in humanity, but I guess things change. I did have that feeling for a night after seeing “Miss Representation” and thinking again about how these views of women influence what is happening in the horrid force of sex trafficking. That’s for another post.

I’ve become increasingly aware that I don’t belong in this world. I’m tired of this world already, and I’m only twenty. This isn’t how I feel all the time, but it’s been happening more frequently. I worry about myself sometimes when I think like this…I have so much more to experience and I already feel like this?

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. -John 15:19

I don’t usually share stuff like this on my blog or with anyone for that matter because I feel like no one really gets this sentiment. Except now I feel encouraged to share it after I had a conversation with a sister and we couldn’t agree more with each other.

I get tired of the seemingly pointless tasks of homework and emailing and blah blah sometimes. I just wanna stop and be like Mary, just sit at Jesus’s feet and get to know Him better. Last week I found myself DESPERATE to just stop and sit with Him. However, God reminded me yet again that there’s a purpose in everything I do now, whether I can see it or not. He can see the longings of my heart and wants to satisfy them. So even as I do the ‘seemingly pointless’ tasks, He reminds me of His presence. He reminds me that His presence that never leaves me is truly where I belong, but I have to wait to fully enjoy my reward in Heaven of just basking in His glory for all of eternity. DUDE. Isn’t that crazy? That we get to just worship the God who deserves all the glory for ALL of eternity!? FOREVER. That by the time we get there, we would have already accomplished our duty as God’s light to the world and we get to just get to know Him for all of eternity. I can’t even imagine what it’ll really be like even after reading The Final Quest series, but just knowing those two things gets me so excited.

I know that my time on this earth is like a blip on the screen, but I just wanna be a doctor already. I know patience is key, that God has a LOT to teach me before I get there because I forget a lot, and there are things I have to do here at Tufts now. I CAN’T WAIT to see what those things are. However, it just gets so difficult at times to follow.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24

The funny thing is everyone’s cross is SO LIGHT. Yet we struggle this hard. Imagine what it’d be like without Him giving us the lightest burden. The people out there who try to figure out their uncertain futures without having the truth that it’ll be okay in God’s hands, I commend you because I would be having mental breakdowns if I didn’t have God. I wonder where I would be today without Him. I think I would be anxiety-filled, consumed by thoughts about my future, depressed, guilt-ridden, hurting, and every bad thing. I’d be weaker than I am now. But I know who lives on the inside. I still have trouble receiving how “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:16

Some of the things I think surprise me. My mom always reminds me that she thinks there are a handful of college kids who think about the things I am concerned about. Concerns: that I won’t be faithful with the few things I’ve been given, that I’m missing too many opportunities without regret, that I’ll forget to ask God what He thinks and act rashly, that I’m not doing the things He wants me to do during my limited time at Tufts, that I’m not blessing others with the blessings I’ve received. I forget that some of the things I do don’t go unnoticed. I know that I only need do to these things for God’s eyes, but I STILL want glory from people. I know it’s wrong, but hey, I’m human. I don’t like it when I feel things or listen to things I know are lies because God says otherwise. Stupid Satan.

Having said all this, I hold on knowing that this journey is worth every tear, every struggle, every heartbreak. This life is going to be filled with frustrations as I face a broken world and begin to share a small sliver with God’s broken heart as He looks upon the world, wishing that His children would just stop for a moment, receive His reckless love, and bring Him glory by being His hands and feet. I wouldn’t have it any other way. How can I live for anything or anyone but God?

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

I feel like this post doesn’t fully make sense or accurately express how my heart feels. That’s why I am so comforted that God knows my heart better than I do so I don’t have to explain myself to Him all the time. Okay this passage really says how I feel:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. -Romans 8:18-27

So there’s no turning back. I have no idea what God has ahead of me, but I try my best to live in this moment. To live according to His will because I know that’s where I will find more of His goodness. That His love is all I will ever need, and it overwhelms me all the time. It goes ON and ON and ON and ON. It never fails. It never gives up. It never runs out on me.

For we live by faith, not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

I restrain myself to only leave you with two of the songs from the recently released Passion 2012 album “White Flag” that I’ve been listening to non-stop. Highlighted are some of the lyrics that have really spoken to me.

Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There’s no life apart from You

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way

This is my heart cry
Though none go with me
The cross before me
The world behind me
I will follow You
No turning back