I’m absolutely not sorry for how many times f*** and s*** appear here. I’ve surprised myself how many times they have come out these past two days but apparently that’s what happens when I don’t care! At all. I don’t care. I would’ve written it out each time but just to avoid offending some people too much I guess.
God (I don’t really know anymore what I believe about you but nonetheless I will address this to you),
What the f*** is going on? This is the sixth full week of this s*** and Day 18 of this supposed “you’re healing me” s***. I am so confused by you, I don’t know what I think about you anymore. People claim I’m always so solid, so faithful, so strong, so reliable, so trusting in God, blah blah blah. Well world, look at me now. This really sucks. I’m pretty furious at you. I mean, you’ve seen the way I’ve exploded in my room. And I know you can take it. I think that anger has now become a calmer fury, but I’m definitely still mad. I can’t feel anything. But when my heart softens or whatever the f*** it is doing and I feel something, I want to hit something and I get so angry sometimes I just give up and cry. All those questions people have about whether you’re good? I know the theology and I know the truth that you are good. That you don’t allow suffering to just happen to your kids. Then why am I wondering these same questions? Why the hell is this healing thing not really going anywhere? Yeah okay supposedly I don’t even know what baby steps I’ve been taking. This past week I’ve been floating along, surrendered to let you just be you. To let you just work your magic and I’ll just see the results. But if it was f****** possible things got harder. How the HELL have I hit like 3 rock bottoms now? Every time I think I got as far down as I could go, something else shot me down. This really sucks, God, and I know all the stuff you say about me, but I don’t really believe any of it.
I don’t know where I went. I don’t know where my heart is. I guess I gave it to you, but it really doesn’t look like you really care. I know you care more than anyone, but I don’t feel any of it. I’m confused, floating along, distant from everything, scared, numb. This depression is really f***** up. People can tell something’s wrong with me….and the most loaded question ever is “how are you?” I hate that question. Yet what feels like ages ago that is the one question I wished people would really ask me. Now I avoid interactions to avoid that difficult question. I can’t even lie and just say “good!” because it’s so far from the truth. I just don’t know anymore. Why even try? When I stopped trying this past week and just let you do your thing, I was able to at least get school work done, but inside nothing is happening. Floating along did not work. At least in my eyes.
I want to say I hate you, but I know inside I love you. It’s just the hate part of the love-HATE relationship that is more obvious to me right now.
I want to say I don’t care what people will think about me and the stuff I’m writing here, but I do care. I feel like the ultimate hypocrite. Always preaching on this blog about how you just “need to let God love you” and “it’s so easy when you just trust Him!” I must have been so annoying to some of you. I just don’t know how to deal with this huge mess that I feel I’ve made of my perspective of God.
How did I lose all this trust in you?
When I had a million questions and was about to just stare at the ceiling wondering what waiting one more whole week before my appointment at mental health would be like, you heard my one true desire. I just wanted to hold my friend. That was so confusingly beautiful that it makes me angry at you in a different way. What the f*** was that all about? I’m just gonna leave it at that for now. That was so overwhelming I just can’t.
I really don’t like you right now. Not sure if that’s a really sincere “I don’t like you” or a “I know you’re up to something and I know I love you somewhere inside of me so I’m just kinda angry at how things are playing out in such a confusing and painful way” I don’t like you.
I just want to be happy again. I don’t remember what that feels like and that’s scary as s***. I just want to be myself again. Obviously that’s getting redefined so I just want to have some sense of myself again. I want my friends back. I want them to know who they are too so we can be ourselves together. I want to love them back to themselves because love protects and no matter how s***y I feel or how f***** up I feel, I want to see them be themselves again. Love protects, but what the f*** is that doing to me? If you’re Love, I don’t really feel very protected by you. But maybe I would be in deeper s*** hole if you weren’t protecting me somehow. I have no f****** idea how you are protecting me, but I guess I have a really really tiny sense that you are holding me tight and getting me through this somehow. Somehow.
I don’t really like all these songs that come from a perspective of faith, because I don’t feel like I have much faith in any of the things that are important to me anymore, but here’s a song anyways.