This is Crazy

But here’s my Jesus, so call Him maybe.

I’m so original.

Seriously though, I’ve been thinking about this post, but only feel led to write it now. A good 5 minutes after the last session of the Jesus Culture NY live stream just ended. I can’t quite wrap my mind around what Jesus did for me through this conference, but it was incredible. And I wasn’t even there in person, so that should tell you something about how Jesus is everywhere. Even right here in my room alone, worshiping along for the past few days.

Now I legitimately think that what I believe is just crazy to some people and even weirds me out sometimes. That I believe that on Friday night at the conference, there was an announcement that they had a  need for someone who knew sign language for a deaf girl they were not expecting and therefore had no accommodations for previously. Then Saturday morning at the end of the power evangelism session of testimonies full of how Jesus is healing people everywhere and anywhere, that deaf girl had her ears open. She had never heard before since birth, and JESUS OPENED THEM. That’s crazy talk. Wait, you might ask, why would Jesus heal something He designed for her to be born with? You might have many suggestions, but if your suggestion isn’t that satan was trying to afflict her but Jesus already took that affliction on the cross, I’m afraid you have a clouded idea of my completely GOOD God. Good=God, evil=devil. It’s in the name. The catch is, miracles like these should be normal everyday occurrences for Christians. However, many Christians don’t know this exciting power and love is available to them, to do more than what Jesus did when He walked the earth. Boring?! This walk with Jesus is anything but boring.

Here’s a crazy thing I do. I believe Jesus never leaves me. I don’t have to ask Him to come and be with me. He NEVER left me since before I was even formed in my mother’s womb. He was thinking of me before He formed the earth. That’s how special I am to Him. That’s how special YOU are to Him. So because I believe that He never leaves me, I don’t ever have to feel alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my lonely moments recently but it felt different than lonely moments I’ve had before. This time, I refused to listen to satan’s lies that I really was all alone and that no one wanted to help me. Yeah, I had a pretty rough day and I did not feel like explaining what was happening to anyone. That’s where my beautiful Best Friend comes in. I have been learning about just how incredibly powerful His love is for me, so I could fight satan before he could even start to get at me. Jesus already knew how I was feeling better than I could know. So all I had to do was sit and lay with Him. Just rest. So something I’ve started to do before I fall asleep, is recognize the fact that He lays right beside me. I look over and extend my hand. Then I imagine Him taking it, and us holding hands as I fall asleep. Call me crazy, but I’ve never been loved more in a moment than I have been by my Jesus.

I’ve been learning a lot about my God’s love for me by reading this book called “How to Raise the Dead” by Tyler Johnson that I will blog about eventually because I’ve just learned so much from the downloads in it. As I read though these incredible revelations, I somehow got more distant from God and started falling into my old ways of life. Becoming the dead woman that was already crucified with Christ, that should be long gone. I was getting irritated with myself while still remembering that there is no condemnation in Him who is in Christ Jesus. Then I realized, satan was trying to distract me from these incredible truths to make me fall, but it had the opposite effect. I was able to see how satan’s attempts are so laughingly futile in the face of what I know is true about myself. That I stand in an ocean of grace and that no matter what I do, I am so utterly and passionately loved by God. Satan actually helped these truths be ingrained in my heart. So maybe that is crazy to you, that I believe in other powers that try to take me from the glory of God’s goodness and love.

Well, I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you, but this is the least crazy you’re gonna find on this blog for a long time. This Jesus Culture conference just reminded me again of why I would spend hours for 3 days on my computer to experience what this ministry had to offer. It’s crazy that I would get up the earliest I’ve waken up at home this summer just to listen to a sermon. It’s crazy that I would hook up my speakers to my computer just so that the music would be loud enough for my voice to be drowned out. It’s crazy that I would tear up because I knew that Jesus’s presence was just overtaking my heart even alone in my room. Why did I do this? Because I want to know Jesus more deeply than anything else. I want to let Him love on me and just enjoy it. I want to walk in obedience and faith, not because I have to, but because I don’t know what else I’d want to do to grow deeper in relationship with Him.

So yeah, things are about to get truly crazy up in here. Why? Well first off, I believe in stuff that a lot of Christians have all sorts of theology to disprove. That’s okay, we can talk. I usually don’t go into it here, but God’s doing so much around me I can’t suppress it anymore. A girl’s deaf ears being opened in NYC. I believe that’s going to happen ALL THE TIME around me that I won’t be able to not tell you guys about it. I have a feeling that Mongolia is going to finally break that last bit of fear that is holding me back from praying for random people God shows me. I could list many words of knowledge (prophetic/divine knowledge given to believers by God about someone or a situation) I’ve received but have NOT acted upon. Because I’m afraid. PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. I can tell I’m almost there. I just still stumble on the fact that I think people will judge me or think I’m crazy. Fear is the opposite of faith. You know but now I’m steadying myself on the Rock. Jesus accepts me as I am, no matter what I do. When I truly live in the truth that He loves me so much, I won’t be able to help but love on others as Jesus does on me. That’s when I’ll be able to step out and pray for people, when I won’t CARE whether they think I’m crazy because I’m just trying to give them an ENCOUNTER with the LIVING GOD who heals every disease, casts out demons, cleanses the leper, and raises the dead.

I just have a feeling. God is really gonna rock me in Mongolia. Then I’m gonna be home for a few days before I fly back up North to go to the Power and Love Conference in CT when I’m going to practice walking in power and love (essentially miracles that point people to the greater reality that Jesus is alive). Then I’m going to vision for Tufts with my fellow schoolmates at a conference before the semester starts. With ALL that, dude, Tufts is not going to know what happened to game-changer Anisha. That is until they find themselves face to face with Jesus. Then maybe they’ll have a clue.

Call me crazy. I don’t care. I’m normal to Jesus who’s crazy in love with me.

[not the best recording, but I can't quite find the one I usually go to ]

Soak

I just feel like it’s important for me to say this. I don’t know why, but even though all I have is time at home, I find it harder to connect to God as much as I do at Tufts. Maybe it’s the change in people who surround me or the loss of constant business at school which further necessitates the rejuvenation I get from resting in His presence. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I don’t talk to God constantly here. I talk about Him and think about Him, but I don’t really talk to Him much more than my daily prayers for others. It’s a strange thing that I realized was draining me somehow.

He invited me to just chill with Him so I decided to intentionally focus on Him and His presence. To just rest with Him and enjoy Him as He delights in me. So yesterday, I remembered this song.

Then I remembered why I love His presence so much. It’s because He can love me more in a moment than all the lovers could in a lifetime. I’ve listened to a lot of worship songs on youtube, but man, I don’t know if it’s possible to not sense the presence of the Lord through this song (and the youtube spiral you might go on after this like I did haha) and how Bethel Church just sits at His feet. I found myself just randomly crying while I was soaking these songs in because His presence just touched me so deeply. This love is SUPER deep and BEYOND our understanding. Stop putting God in a box! Every time I get a revelation of His love, it’s only a taste of the immensity of how deep, furious, passionate, unending, and reckless it really is. It’s just…everything.

We are meant to be loved. It’s a longing in your heart that you cannot deny. The only One who can fully satisfy that desire is God. That’s the good news isn’t it? “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39. It’s true! Nothing you do will ever be able to separate you from His love. Your failures, your weaknesses, your addictions, your doubts, your pride… He loves you through those things and just wants You to come to Him with that so His power may rest on you! “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9. His love sets you free. This truth sets you free. It’s not about striving to gain His attention or doing all the right things so He’ll love you. He can’t take His eyes off of you. He has loved and will always love you whether you realize it or not. So yes, we come to Him with lots of flaws and baggage, but His love will refine us. He loves you as you are, but He also has some changes to make in you. A never-ending, beautiful process as He grows you in His love.

Rich Mullins said this: “I think one of the hardest things in the Christian life is (and especially for people who have grown up in America) … [that] we’re very arrogant people. And I think it’s very hard to allow God to break us…When the Lord loves He chastens, and…if we’ll never be broken, we’ll never be saved. God doesn’t break us because He hates us or because He’s angry at us, but we have to be broken just like you have to break a horse [...] Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation.”

So just soak it in. Admit you need Him and Him alone. A loving Savior and Best Friend who knows you better than you know yourself. Sit with Him and see what happens. Be a laid-down lover.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13

This Moment

The lessons I’ve been learning since my birthday seem to have been preparing me for this moment.

1) Another day: For the first time I think, I didn’t really feel like I needed all the attention on my birthday. Usually I have to fight the urge to tell everyone that it’s my birthday, but this year, it was just another day. Everyone else might recognize that today is a day to celebrate me. Not to put a downer on that, but every single day is special to me if God’s a part of it. Plus, it’s not like I suddenly jumped into my 20s. It’s been in the process for a while, so it didn’t feel all that different.

2) A Gift: The best gift I received that day was actually His presence. (someone had to point out my unintentional pun- His presence was my present…)  Just to re-emphasize, no day is really worth it unless I have Him, so He just proved it by really touching my heart that day in prayer. Even after that, I was struggling with a desire to want a best friend. Someone who was a physical embodiment of God to me on this earth, not to worship but to have/ to hug/ to talk to whenever I needed. Then God talked to me. “Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run?”  I responded with something like “Oh crap. God, I’m sorry! You’re more than enough for me.” [By Your Side]

3) Why me?: I have struggled to receive the immensity of His grace for me. I watched Passion of the Christ for the first time which did not help me receive it. Jesus, why would You endure so much shame and suffering for me? I’m so unworthy! It was more than enough for me when the crowd still wanted to slander and crucify You as You struggled to stand after being whipped like that. That was enough suffering for me to withstand, yet You endured so much more. I asked Him at my church’s college retreat too why He was blessing me so much. All the struggles I have with my family and academics seem small compared to those who shared stories with me of their sufferings. Plus, I’ve come so far in my faith in a seemingly quick time frame. Why has He helped me along so much? Then I thought I might be asking the wrong questions and I should just thank Him. I asked my mom for her opinion and she told me simply that because I have learned to appreciate all the grace He has bestowed on me (and everyone for that matter), He wants to give me more. Just as when any child thanks his/her parents for the things he/she has, the more the parent wants to give them because of their gratitude.

4) Discouragement: basically everything I said in my last post. How easy it is to be discouraged once you look away from Him.

5) Family: At that retreat, I realized during a life story that if anyone were to walk in the room, they’d wonder who we were talking about. Where’s this God you’re speak of? Yeah, God wasn’t physically sitting there with us as we talked about everything He’s done for us, but at the same time, He was. If God lives inside of us, He was definitely there in that room. Wanting to know God was the only needed factor for the retreaters to bond. It was amazing how quickly we could create deep relationships by hearing about how God was working in our lives. After hearing all the sufferings around me too, I found it awesome how God already knew everyone there better than they knew themselves while it took us a few conversations to even start investing in each other’s lives.

So in this moment when I am tempted to let the discouragement of facing a difficult trial on campus get to me, I am trying to incorporate all these lessons into my response. Instead of looking to myself and my limited power in this situation, I must look to Him and walk in grace. Go day by day in His presence, which is where I belong, to try to love Him more and be more like Him. We must respond as He would, with love, understanding, and humility. He’s always there to listen and help me along, but He also gave me a family of brothers and sisters to walk with me in this time. Thank You, God, for all these lessons that have prepared me for this season of pruning. A season that I pray will see fruit of change, healing, and reconciliation.

Instead of seeking reconciliation, etc, we should seek Him and respond as He would.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” –John 15:1-2