Soak

I just feel like it’s important for me to say this. I don’t know why, but even though all I have is time at home, I find it harder to connect to God as much as I do at Tufts. Maybe it’s the change in people who surround me or the loss of constant business at school which further necessitates the rejuvenation I get from resting in His presence. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I don’t talk to God constantly here. I talk about Him and think about Him, but I don’t really talk to Him much more than my daily prayers for others. It’s a strange thing that I realized was draining me somehow.

He invited me to just chill with Him so I decided to intentionally focus on Him and His presence. To just rest with Him and enjoy Him as He delights in me. So yesterday, I remembered this song.

Then I remembered why I love His presence so much. It’s because He can love me more in a moment than all the lovers could in a lifetime. I’ve listened to a lot of worship songs on youtube, but man, I don’t know if it’s possible to not sense the presence of the Lord through this song (and the youtube spiral you might go on after this like I did haha) and how Bethel Church just sits at His feet. I found myself just randomly crying while I was soaking these songs in because His presence just touched me so deeply. This love is SUPER deep and BEYOND our understanding. Stop putting God in a box! Every time I get a revelation of His love, it’s only a taste of the immensity of how deep, furious, passionate, unending, and reckless it really is. It’s just…everything.

We are meant to be loved. It’s a longing in your heart that you cannot deny. The only One who can fully satisfy that desire is God. That’s the good news isn’t it? “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39. It’s true! Nothing you do will ever be able to separate you from His love. Your failures, your weaknesses, your addictions, your doubts, your pride… He loves you through those things and just wants You to come to Him with that so His power may rest on you! “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9. His love sets you free. This truth sets you free. It’s not about striving to gain His attention or doing all the right things so He’ll love you. He can’t take His eyes off of you. He has loved and will always love you whether you realize it or not. So yes, we come to Him with lots of flaws and baggage, but His love will refine us. He loves you as you are, but He also has some changes to make in you. A never-ending, beautiful process as He grows you in His love.

Rich Mullins said this: “I think one of the hardest things in the Christian life is (and especially for people who have grown up in America) … [that] we’re very arrogant people. And I think it’s very hard to allow God to break us…When the Lord loves He chastens, and…if we’ll never be broken, we’ll never be saved. God doesn’t break us because He hates us or because He’s angry at us, but we have to be broken just like you have to break a horse [...] Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation.”

So just soak it in. Admit you need Him and Him alone. A loving Savior and Best Friend who knows you better than you know yourself. Sit with Him and see what happens. Be a laid-down lover.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13

[Part 4] Freedom

Summary of Parts 1-3: Even though I was peaceful about the chem exam, I had to drop it and despite the question of pre-med, all I wanted was Him. I was confused and hurting, but not to the same extent as I had reacted in similar circumstances.

So that Saturday I didn’t feel like praying about it yet and ended up telling a friend and my mom about what I was feeling and what had happened. It was hard to say it to them, but it meant the world to me to just have them listen. My mom has walked me through all of this and she was just as confused as I was…she just reminded me to be thankful and focus on loving Him.

I had been highly anticipating Sunday night’s Boston Night of Worship since I first found out and confirmed that it didn’t conflict with fall retreat. It’s a city-wide worship event that seeks to gather people who love Jesus across racial and denominational lines. I just knew that this event was exactly what I needed to refresh and not let the pre-med question keep me from dwelling in His presence. My hunch was right.

It was amazing. It didn’t start out that way though because I was frazzled getting to the stadium because of all the ticket-handling and trying to manage who had a ticket and who had paid and blah blah blah. I was late getting in because of all of that business. I entered the stadium and had trouble quieting myself amidst the praise and worship that was happening. I prayed, quieted myself, and asked God to meet me. That He did.

It was hard at first to keep myself from getting distracted by what other people were doing or who was on the stage, but once I focused on Him, His presence was undeniable. I couldn’t help my heart from asking Him for an answer to the pre-med question. However, as I focused on how worthy the Lamb is, I had an incredible revelation of His love. It just hit me as I saw the cross on the slides with blood dripping that He died for me. We know that God sent His one and only Son to die for our sins on the cross and on the third day He rose again to defeat sin and death. I know that. I just didn’t fully realize it in that moment. That is the epitome of a love story. As I imagined myself dying on the cross and then realizing Jesus did it in my stead, I just knew that if the most amazing thing that could ever have happened to humanity happened on the cross, and I had already accepted that grace, what was I doing thinking that everything that was happening to me was somehow for my good. DUH. If He already did the best thing ever by giving me the free gift of grace by spilling is perfect blood, why would I doubt that anything that happened to me now was anything but the best for me. It is absolutely silly that God would do the most amazing thing for us and then treat us like crap after. After this revelation, I felt free from the questions about my situation. It was simply going to be okay. More than okay, everything would be great.

I was ready to get lost in worship after that revelation, but God had more. I feel like He rewarded me for truly seeking Him and not the answers. For being ready to wait on Him to reveal the answer when/if I needed to know. For being willing to forfeit my dream is to work with children in India as a missional doctor if that wasn’t His will. I don’t have to give it up though because He gave me a beaUUUUtiful vision that confirmed that I was to be a doctor. I saw myself in a doctor’s coat on my knees, with arms open wide. These Indian children with radiant smiles were running towards me with a joy so contagious that when they entered into my embrace, there was such an aura of light and joy it made my insides feel like they were glowing. Now I was ready to get lost in worship.

The night was amazing not because of the band or the worship leaders I saw or the people I stood next to. It was because God met me, freed me, and gave me an overwhelming joy. I wanted more of God in me and at Tufts. I wanted more worship and I’m so glad I wasn’t alone in that because my Tufts family wanted more too. So much more that we literally sang songs all the way from Boston University to Tufts. There are youtube videos of us singing on the subway and at the stations. I’m never going to forget how 3 of us were trying to figure out the lyrics to ‘Lord We Lift Your Name on High’ and hearing some brothers (who I wish I formally met, but it’s ok, I’ll see them again) join us that eventually led to the station being filled with praises to God. Other people on the trains even joined us. It was crazy.

I called my Mom on Monday and she just laughed at me for being all-over the place: crying on Saturday, overjoyed on Monday. I just told her that it was all God and He blessed me with the quickest academic and emotional recovery. Yeah I might have had some drastic emotional changes that weekend, but I still feel like I haven’t left that spiritual high. Just some little inflections here and there. I had from approximately 4pm to finish my papers, but I literally did not start until 8 hours later because I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing God was enough to focus on my papers. I can’t help but think about Him all the time. He’s just. so. amazing. I worship Him all the time in my heart. Why? Because he rescued me, freed me, blessed me, and lifted me with His love.

and here’s us at Kenmore station:

WOW

GOD IS SO REAL AND ALIVE AND ANDDDDDD

I am just so blown away right now. I can’t go to sleep. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I might call it freedom. I might call it joy. I might call it grace. Or power. Or humility. Or sacrifice. Or love. Sacrificial love. No one but God knows what’s going on in the deepest parts of my heart right now, and all I can say is that God. Is. Real.

I pray that you will encounter Him. Experience Him. Feel Him in your insides. Know that it’s His voice because you definitely did not come up with that idea from your own brain. See His love shining in others. Yes, it’s great to try to understand God (you’ll fail if you try to understand everything about Him, because He’s such a big God. That’s the beauty of this journey though…not knowing and walking by faith not by sight) and try to figure out what He’s offering us, and He can encounter us in those ways. Through the Bible, through prayer, through conversations. Whenever and wherever it might be, I don’t want you just to think it’s God, I want you to be so overwhelmed by something inside of you that it’s undeniably our own, loving, tremendously amazing God working in your heart. It’s the best feeling in the world. It’s overwhelmingly beautiful and joyous. It’s a source of strength I’ve never felt before. He transforms. He renews. He frees. Just by trusting Him, I don’t have to worry at all. Why? He is and does everything! Isn’t that comforting? Do you believe that?

Hmmm, so I guess I would say that I’m just free to be joyous. I’m bubbling on the inside, and I just wanna shout unto God with a voice of triumph. To lift His name up FOREVER. And everrrrrrr. His presence tastes so good, and I pray that you will get a taste with every step you take. “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him” -Psalm 34:8.