Natural

My resolution for 2012 was to be obedient because God has definitely proven to me that He’s trustworthy.

As I think about it, my journey has been incredible and there are infinitely more incredible adventures ahead of me. When I look back on 2012, I think it’s a year that I won’t forget. I saw so much fruit not because I was trying to focus on growing fruit, but I just dwelled within the Vine and I couldn’t help but grow fruit. I’m connected, in union with the vine. I’m a branch. How can I NOT grow fruit?! A good friend asked me what the highlight of 2012 was for me. I said that though I’ve been a confessing Christian for 4.5 years, 2012 was when I truly understood the magnificence and power of the cross. It didn’t change everything, but it did. Of course I wouldn’t have confessed Jesus as my Lord if I didn’t understand the cross to some level, but man, everything HAS changed because now I do really get it. Grace. Cross. Alive. God is good. Jesus lives in me>>> all words and phrases that are thrown around in Christian lingo, but oh now so much more powerful and meaningful. Everything I experience in life has to do with my understanding of the cross. Crucial!

Another part of my year….I just found out that I got on Dean’s List for the second semester in a row. Why is this statement so glorious and humbling?

Short version: Freshmen year solid GPA–>Sophomore fall academic probation I–>Soph spring academic probation II–>Summer term just bad. GPA suffers and lowest ever–>change to child development–>Junior fall removed completely from probation–>GPA is steadily increasing–>struggle to stop doing pre-med at Tufts (will finish post-grad)–>Junior spring Dean’s List–>Senior fall complete CD major–>Senior fall Dean’s List #2 with an almost completely redeemed GPA.

Long version in this post. It’s seriously long but all the details of my academic testimony are there. It’s a cool story in my opinion. Evidence of a faithful God, no matter how we react and flail our arms childishly when one little thing goes wrong.

The thing is, when I look back on how God came through I’m even more thankful because I see how much I have grown. In that long post, I claimed that I got angry at God because I didn’t know why all the suffering was happening when He could definitely handle a few grades. I shook. I thought I was in a desert place, a wilderness. Now if this were to happen all over again, I would confidently say I would not react the same way. I’m in the lushness of a Garden now, Jesus experienced a desert so that I would not have to. I am not shaken, because I am found on the solid Rock who makes me unshakable. I have everlasting joy. Through my experiences of being on academic probation, doubting my calling, failing to live up to my own and my parents’ expectations, being humbled, realizing God is my Answer and my Dream, knowing the power of open humility and sharing in community, and learning to live day by day, I now know identity’s fundamental nature. I realized more of who I am….a precious, valued daughter of God. When I got shaken, I forgot who I was. I let my situation determine my joy. Now, I KNOW who I am. I will NOT be shaken because I have everlasting joy. When a situation becomes troubled or difficult, I will testify to the truth of this everlasting Savior, who is Mr. Joy. Storms come to both believers and non-believers, but as believers, imagine how powerful a testament to the power of a relationship with Christ will be if we don’t depressed/angry/whatever when the storm comes. I’ve wanted to say this about my own academic story for a while now to my blog readers. Not to discredit where I was then, but to enhance where I am now.

In 2012, I learned how important it is to let God just love me. When I just let Him love me, growth and change just naturally happen. I don’t have to try. It’d be too difficult. My resolution to obey Him was me trying at first. When I just let Him love me, I understood His love to a deeper level. Then when He told me to do something, I wasn’t consciously telling myself “oh, I must obey God because He’s God and I made that my resolution” but rather obeying was a natural response. It wasn’t ever deeply challenging or contrary to what I wanted for myself because He never asked me to do something that wasn’t already in my heart (which is God’s heart so it all makes sense). His desires for my life are my desires too, so obeying was letting Him love me and show me more of His awesomeness through experiences. Going to Mongolia for missions, praying for people on the streets, becoming a Freshmen Small Group leader are all examples of obedience now that I look back. When those things happened though, I wasn’t consciously making myself obey. I was just going with the flow. Doing things that would love people and help me know God more! Naturally, fruit came. It’s really awesome to see change. I guess I always know my obedience does something. Maybe I can’t always see exactly what that something is yet, but I know that something exists….It’s very freeing to live like this, not feeling burdened or responsible to see the fruit but just knowing it will come!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. –Romans 8:28

So my resolution for 2013 is…nothing. I’ve resolved to live every day as a lover of His presence. So I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing and let the King love me. I think that’s a good thing to live by for all my days. New Year’s this year didn’t seem as special a time to reflect on the year and make new goals. I think it’s because it really is just another awesome day with the King, moving into another calendar year, constantly excited for what He has in store.

Here’s a song that God reminded me of the day I got found out about Dean’s List, it’s simply perfect. Helped me celebrate it with Him with a lot of joyful giggles.

Cheers.

Shine

The night sky tonight inspired me.

At church today, we sang this song by Matt Redman called “Shine.”

Lord we have seen the rising sun, awakening the early dawn,
And we’re rising up to give you praise.
Lord we have seen the stars and moon, see how they shine,
They shine for you,
And You’re calling us to do the same.
So we rise up with a song, and we rise up with a cry
And we’re giving you our lives

We will shine like stars in the universe,
Holding out Your truth in the darkest place.
We’ll be living for Your glory,
Jesus we’ll be living for Your glory.
We will burn so bright with Your praise O God,
And declare Your light to this broken world.
We’ll be living for Your glory,
Jesus we’ll be living for Your glory.

Like the sun so radiantly
Sending light for all to see,
Let your holy church arise
Exploding into life,
Like a supernova’s light,
Set your holy church on fire;
We will shine.

The idea of shining is a cool one. It’s probably what confused me the most in the past when people wrote in birthday cards or whatever how they thought it was a blessing to see my light shine. I would sometimes ask, “How do you see that?” or “What exactly do you see?” because it didn’t really make sense. Now, I remind myself of Matthew 5:14 which says “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.” So DUH I shine brightly because Jesus said I’m the LIGHT of the whole WORLD because Jesus lives in me! The cry of this song is part of my heart cry. To shine in the darkest places. I don’t have to try harder to shine, all I have to do is be me. I’ll always be living for His glory because I can’t help it. Every breath is His. He is my every breath. Life is not life without Him. There’s no turning back. I’ll shine for this whole world to see.

Something I’ve said before because a sister had said it last year in an inspiring graduation speech for our fellowship, the stars are so much more impressive as a collective. Yup, one star is cool. However, what makes a starry night breathtaking is when it’s full of stars. Collectively, each star’s light creates a beautiful scene that just glorifies their Creator. Just like us! We each have a special light. I’m a special daughter of God, and you are an equally special child of God who can only shine the way you do because only you can be you. Together though, we can shine so powerfully and beautifully that people can’t help but stop and just gaze in awe at the beauty of God. Our God who is LOVE. Together, we show the diversity and complexity of God’s beauty!

God is pretty awesomely beautiful. He has great taste and a great eye when He’s creating. Look at the mountains or the blue sky or the green grass. Yeah, all that nature stuff. Better yet, just take a look in the mirror and you’ll know what I’m talking about. You were made in His image.

Explode into life like a supernova’s light! This journey called life should NEVER be boring with Jesus. He’s the bomb diggity. If you find your walk to be boring, chill with Jesus some more because He’s soooooo much fun. There should never be a boring moment. He makes you come alive! He paid the price so you can be whole and full of LIFE! So your life should always be joyful, exciting, and happy! It just happens when you always know Jesus is with you. Know He never leaves you because He promises it. You don’t have to feel Him all the time to know He’s with you. I will say though that when you grow in that knowledge, the feelings come all the time I’m growing in that too, but those overwhelming moments of God’s love come more frequently for sure. Can someone say “glory nap”? hahahaha [glory naps happen when my limit to handle God's amazingness is reached so I pass out in the glory of God and move to another glory level! we're moving from glory to glory! yay God! "The love of God is so huge and intense that when He begins to pour over us, it is like plugging a million-volt charge through a five-volt fuse. We just can't handle the glory." -John Crowder]

peace and blessings. time for bed.

I Am Alive!!!!!

Jesussssss issssss AMAAAAYYYZINGGGGGG. I like seriously don’t know what to do with myself. So much is happening that I can’t handle it. I have too many stories that happen everyday for me to share it even with my closest friends or my mom or ANYONE but thank GOD hahahaha that He knows every detail because He’s the One making all these things happen anyway!!! HAHA I’m exploding.

I have three stories to tell you about how a God of details is pursuing everyone, whether or not he/she realizes how much he/she needs Him. I could just cry because it’s so beautiful. Well I did already for all these stories, but I could cry more. NOT out of sadness, out of the purest joy I’ve ever known in my life.

I woke up this morning just so HAPPY to be ALIVE! It just got crazier though. Everything He does screams “I love you” and everything He is says “I care.” Jesus is alive and well. He is living on my insides and roaring like a lion.

1) My father

If you know me at all, you would know that my go-to prayer request is for my dad. He’s Muslim and needs Jesus so desperately. Between my mom and I, we have probably accumulated a prayer army  in the number of something crazy like 100 people. You can ask me more about what God is doing in him, but I’ll share a brief overview.

My dad was quite a devout Muslim when I was young, praying 5 times a day and observing all the holidays. I would characterize him now as a cultural Muslim and observes holidays to prove to himself/others that he is still Muslim. He’s come a long way since my mom, brother, and I started our adventures with God 4.5 years ago (average). From hating how much we went to church and served there, to discussing the differences between some Koran and Bible stories with my mom, to letting us pray for his pinched nerve with him. After winter retreat sophomore year, my dad surprise visited me at a time when God was challenging me to tell me how much Jesus meant to me so I got to share what the Gospel meant to me and we discussed faith for two hours. At the end of that conversation, he told me that he was so proud to have raised a daughter who could make her own decisions and become a great person. However, he never wanted to talk about this again. Door closed?

God has told my mom and I in so many visions how my dad will one day receive Jesus and do so much for the Kingdom. One is a vision of my dad ankle-deep in the ocean, and once my mom and I were fully inundated in this ocean (interpreted as in the fullness of the Spirit) a HUGE WAVE just overtakes my dad. I was kinda confused by that because I knew I had been baptized by the Spirit but my dad’s encounter hadn’t happened yet. I saw visions of myself running to my friends’ rooms sophomore year telling them my dad had received Jesus. It didn’t happen though. I realize now that was God encouraging me and that NOW I REALLY UNDERSTAND what it feels like to have COMPLETE JOY and FULLNESS OF HIS SPIRIT. So my dad encountering Jesus is happening powerfully soon.

I knew though for a FACT that the seed had been sown. From then on, I’ve been praying for that seed to just be watered and that other godly people would surround him. That JESUS would be revealed to my father. My mom frequently tells me how he says things about business and life that he doesn’t even realize yet how God is pursuing him. Things like “your God must really love you because that business deal shouldn’t have closed out so easily” or “it feels like I have some weird favor in the business lately.” My dad has weirdly amazing connections everywhere he goes. Currently he’s in Bangladesh where once he actually answered my hopeless question of “what do you actually do, Dad?” and he’s dabbed in economic, political, social, and business enterprises throughout Bangladesh. People know him. Important people. So imagine what will happen when he knows Jesus loves him and he uses his gift with words to preach the gospel. It’s going to be so beautiful. His biggest dreams are to build a school and hospital in Bangladesh that provide free services. He’s told me that I’ll be the manager of the hospital. Talk about God meshing our dreams together. That day will come when we partner together to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth.

In the past few months, the sincerity of people telling me that they would pray for my dad is something special. Something is happening.

Well I shared in this post how God told me to go home after graduation because it’s my dad’s time to see me live out my faith. At retreat this past weekend with my fellowship, God used a dear brother of mine to rock me. My brother came up to me at the end of worship and said that during his quiet time, he saw me first of all praying healing over a crowd (that’s going to happen at Tufts soon yo it’s gonna be awesome). He saw me also kneeling and praying for healing for my dad who is KNEELING NEXT TO ME and receiving the healing. HE’S GONNA KNOW AND LOVE JESUS SOON. I was falling on my knees with thankfulness when he told me. We had small groups so I didn’t really get to absorb the goodness of this vision. After some worship, I was just reveling in the glory when I noticed one of my bestest friends laying near me so I crawl over to tell her the vision. But she was like, about to cry and then I WAS LIKE OMYGOD THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I have never imagined what it would be like to have my dad as a brother, I’ve just kinda known it would happen one day. But it really hit me. I get to talk to him about Jesus, worship with him, pray with him, study the gospels together. So basically what happened is that my sister and I joy cried for 2 hours straight. People thought we were crazy when they were walking in and out. But then on Sunday I got to share with them that God loved my dad so much whether they saw me the night before or because they asked about why my eyes were so baggy/why I was only capable of opening my eyes halfway. (swollen from all that joy crying) All worth it. I am so excited for this. If I cried for 2 hours just thinking about it, imagine what I’ll do when it really happens. AHHHH.

2) Freshmen

So I shared in the first item in this post about the first random person I prayed for. She is not random to me anymore. I’m going to be studying the bible with her soon over lunch with a good friend of hers too! Isn’t that incredible? That my first connection with her was when I had faith to pray for her randomly?

IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. A GOD OF DETAILS. Just one testimony that shows me the fruit of simple obedience to be a small group leader when I didn’t expect to be one.

I was driving back from retreat and a freshman sister was my navigator. We were chatting while everyone else in the back was sleeping. She mentioned that she felt challenged after this retreat to be more open with her faith with her friends, especially Girl A and Girl B. I was like, WAIT. I AM DOING A BIBLE STUDY OVER LUNCH WITH THEM. Then we freaked out. I told the freshman that I actually met Girl A because she was the first random person I prayed healing over at Tufts. Then she was like WAIT I was THERE. Then I realized freshman sister was totally one of the two other friends sitting with Girl A that I couldn’t remember. AHH JESUS. After I had prayed and left, freshman sister was able to share with Girl A and B that she was a Christian and that she had never seen anyone ever pray for someone like that. Freshman sister was amazed by that person’s faith and the love she just witnessed, wondering if she would ever meet that person in TCF. WHO WOULDA THOUGHT that it would be her BIBLE STUDY LEADER HAHAHA. So we are driving in the car and freaking out how Jesus makes connections and is so detailed. Freshman sister tells me that my praying for Girl A’s leg sparked a spiritual conversation about how Christianity is a personal relationship with God and then they realized they got an invitation to Jesus and Java so they decided to go! They went to Jesus and Java (which is where I saw Girl A and freaked out because I hadn’t invited her to Jesus and Java and found out my prayer had made her day), they came to Freshmen Small Group the next week from freshman sister’s invitation, and I later got Girl A as my prayer partner. We really connected and last week I followed up. Girl A agreed excitedly to study the bible with me over lunch and invite Girl B with her to do it. NOW I HAVE A SISTER as a partner as well as someone to disciple in this process. JESUS. We freaked out for like 30 minutes in the car. I gripped the wheel and just kept saying “Jesus” over and over and freshman sister just encouraged me to focus on the road. We had a huge hug once I dropped her off, and once I parked the car and was about to return the keys to the owner, I just started crying because it was just so beautiful how much God loves Girl A to surround her with love and pursuing her like this. So excited. I just feel so incredibly honored to be a part of God’s detailed pursuit of Girl A.

He is a puzzle-maker and I occasionally get to enjoy the completed puzzle. What intricacy.

3) My own friends

I still can’t believe this. My first friend at Tufts and I discovered during orientation that we were basically the same person: Asian, pre-med, Hill residents, and Christian! We made friends with two girls and I’ve been praying for them ever since orientation basically. Never really had any spiritual conversations with either of them. Both of them know I’m Christian and one has noticed that I have a peace about me that she doesn’t understand. With the other, my first friend and I have constantly had weekly meals with even though I couldn’t really ever go last year. Consistency. Prayers work even when you don’t reap the benefits. God is at work!

Basically today at our weekly dinner that we have with one of these friends, God showed up (well He always shows up because wherever we show up He is hahaha). She was telling us about how she was doing and I don’t wanna betray the details publicly, but basically after a series of events that she herself said worked out weirdly perfectly, she is seeking faith. Has been going to church without us knowing. She’s agnostic and feels deep inside that there must be a bigger purpose and meaning to life. THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. For my first Tufts friend and I at least. We never talk about anything deeply personal ever with her. Ever. God has been pursuing her since the start. It’s beautiful. I couldn’t contain it so I teared up and laughed right there at the table even though she had no idea why I was but one day she will know when she’s my sister in Christ. It’s in her heart. She just needs to realize who she is! Before I can register what is happening, I’m sharing my testimony and saying how I don’t wake up in the morning saying “let’s do Christianity” but “Good morning, Jesus, I’m happy to be alive”. How I have discovered who I am in Christ. How this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and it’s life-changing and transforming. My first friend shared her testimony as well and we just got to talk for like an hour about Jesus!!!!! It was AMAZING. So much happened but I can’t share it all. I told her about how she needs to make room for God to work, give Him a chance by giving up control of something. I got to share the story above in #2 to explain how I know God is real because I couldn’t make that stuff up. She noticed herself how things worked out with impeccable timing and how even though it was a hard time, she seemed to have an epiphany that God might exist. She has great perspective on where she is in this journey and I am SO EXCITED. She realizes the immensity of it all, how it would change everything she understands about life. First friend if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I’m so blessed to have shared this moment with you and I am so thankful for everything you said and shared. You affirmed her so well and I am still shocked.

ALL THIS IN JUST THE PAST TWO DAYS. I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO TELL YOU GUYS ON MY BLOG ABOUT EVERYTHING GOD IS DOING IN MY LIFE. Rather, how much He’s showing me He’s doing. It’s so overwhelming. I have been asking God lately how I’m supposed to handle all this glory because it’s only mid-October and all this is happening. I can’t imagine what it will be like at the end of the year! I was so overwhelmed with it all that I passed out in the glory aka rested in the Lord during the Bible study portion of my small group tonight. It was too much. It’s not a nap… it’s like a trance if you will because I could hear everything that was going on but wasn’t there at the same time. I feel better now and this was a long post but I hope you have felt encouraged. I was also thinking about how if I knew about God’s intricate plans all over the world at this level I would never be able to stand under the weight of that glory. I’d just be on the ground all day.

Someone asked me this past weekend what made me feel most alive. I gave the Sunday school answer: Jesus. But I explained how no one else can love me the way He does, make me feel the way He does. He’s my every breath, my every heart beat, my joy, my salvation, my LIFE. I wouldn’t want to live a day without Him. I couldn’t live without Him now that I know His love and get to know it more deeply every day. This is life. Jesus Himself. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me. There is a lot of power and abundant life inside of me. I feel so blessed to be able to see all this fruit of my faithfulness lately, so everyone, TRUST GOD. He knows what to do with you when you just make yourself available to be used. It makes you feel alive and humbled that the God of the Universe is at work in your life.