Day 27: Chains

I am mainly making myself post so that my last post won’t be where you think I’m at, because that post has worried a lot of people. A lot has happened since then, and I guess things are starting to look like a healing process. Though, it is much more painful and confusing a process than I imagined. But things are looking a little more hopeful I think. Interesting how these posts are developing. Thank you to all who have been thinking about and/or praying for me.

Dear God,

I really have no idea what you’re doing to my heart. I asked you after I posted that angryyyyy post when things would actually seem hopeful. You replied “7 days.” I obviously did not believe you, but I still do not know what happened inside of me during that gospel choir concert. So you did do something very tangible on that 7th day….it felt like a chain was broken. I don’t know what it was, or how it happened, or what it did, but something happened when I praised. The way you used my choir director is ridiculous and I will tell him all about it soon to affirm the beautiful son you have made him to be. I guess you used my attempt to actually praise you during my last gospel choir concert here because something was happening inside. It has been so awful to not be able to even pretend to sing worship songs lately, but as I couldn’t understand how singing it out was helping during the gospel choir concert. I stood there on stage repeating “May have some scars-I am healed/ Circumstances-I’m still healed/ Disappointments-I am healed” I started to believe that maybe….just maybe…I am healed. Then David said how our greatest weapon is praise. When the situation around doesn’t seem to call for praise, that praise is exactly what breaks those chains.

When you praise, when you praise there should be a fire in your heart

Hands upraised when you praise, consuming every part

Because you know the God we serve will make His presence known

When you praise, when you praise

When we think of how wonderful and merciful and kind our God has been to us

Then we know every “Glory, Hallelujah” He deserves when you praise

Praise will bind, confuse, and break the enemy and cause His hands to be still

So we raise our hands in total victory. We know we triumph in His will.

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “There is none like You”

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “Our God is awesome God- YES!”

When we praise, when we praise, when we praise

When we praise, when we praise- “Bless the Lord, O my soul!”

After 2 months of not really feeling you in my heart like I know my heart can, overwhelming does not properly capture the way my heart felt when I realized that you were making your presence known again to me. In my heart…the way I first believed.

I just wanted to weep. And that is exactly what I did as soon as the concert ended…. but I still don’t know why. I think it’s because I just could no longer deny that you were doing something. And the question I really wanted to ask you was “why did it take so long for me to actually know you were doing something?!” but it seemed like a completely unnecessary question for the moment. I just let you…be you. And it was not what I expected healing to feel like. I thought it would be relieving, but it seems there is a LOT more pain and more stuff that needs to get out. So I still do not know exactly why I keep crying, but I know you are doing something. That somehow, you are being faithful to your promises. That somehow, you still love me and that somehow, your love never fails me.

And today at church, I really just cannot deny that you are meeting me where I am. Using a whole sermon on grace using the analogy that has spoken most deeply to me in February…. that grace is like an ocean. How you’ve told me before all of this that my heart is an ocean. That I’m sinking in an ocean of grace. How even yesterday at the harbor, as I looked at the rocks on the shore pondering how whether the rocks were completely submerged or breaking the surface of the water, the rocks were still rocks. No matter how many waves crashed or the strength of the wave, it was still a rock. And how when I was looking at the rocks I had to make sure my footing was strong or I would fall over the ledge. That I needed to remember this for myself, that I had to maintain my footing on the Rock that is You, Lord. Then of course when I look up, the freakin’ boat in front of me has the name “Surefoot.” REALLY. really. you suck sometimes. like in a trolly way.

I give it all to you God

Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me

So even when I’ve given up on myself, when I’ve given up on your promises, I know that you haven’t given up on me. That your love never gives up on me. I might not fully believe that yet, but I know it. I know you love me. Not fully believe it, but I know you’re telling me that message. Praising you forces me to count the blessings, which makes it easier to remember your faithfulness all my years.

Not only through you though. The people around me are simply telling me that they love me, and they are your face, hands, feet, lips, eyes, heart…everything to me. So thank you for those people who are loving me the best they know how. I guess letting them love me is hard, but I really need it.

So I know you’re telling me that my chains are broken. And that something beautiful is coming from these ashes. I have trouble believing this will really happen, but I guess now I can’t deny that something is happening. Something. That these chains are not going to bother me much longer.

At least I am trying to hope that is true. And the fact that I have even a little hope is a big step. Thanks for never giving up when I’ve given up so much lately. I’m very very tired, but I know you are there kissing my heart, mending its wounds.

I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Yes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
I’m worn

Context:

Happenings, Day 1, Day 3, Day 8, Day 18

Day 1

These posts are going to be incredibly intimate because I’m in a very fragile, vulnerable state. My heart is raw. I’m barely keeping my head above the water, but now, at least I’m trying. This morning, I realized that I had no other option but to turn back to God. I had to or I was going to get worse which was hard to imagine. Because I had hit rock bottom. Completely and utterly exhausted, lost, confused, broken, and worn. I don’t know how it got this bad. I had to let God talk to me though I had been refusing to entertain His still, small voice whispering “Anisha?” for over a week. As appealing as it was to just let myself sink deeper and deeper into the darkness, I knew I would not be able to even begin to navigate my way out if I didn’t do something today. So. I tried.

Why am I even sharing these intimate thoughts straight from my journal? Because God said so. Because I think….me not being all together on this blog and just writing here how God is helping me heal will show a lot to you that I can’t show you through normal posts. It’ll show you more of His character than I could ever do on my own. I imagine I’ll post every so often with how this healing process is going. It’s going to be really challenging to keep walking, but baby steps.

My brother told me that God told him “Out of these ashes, beauty will rise.” That though I am holding on my the thinnest thread, I might have to just let go of the thread and trust I’ll fall into His arms. That the scariest part is the hang time in the air of uncertainty, but it’s actually my imagination because I’ll realize I never really left His arms.

I hope so and think I will heal completely, because this morning, I felt more of myself dying. Now, I can feel again.

_____

Day 1.

Dad=God

All of these conversation bits are what I remember from the two hours I spent talking to Him.

_____

Dad: I’m really proud of you and I love you. You have to be patient with yourself.

Me: Why can’t and why haven’t you already healed me quickly? I know you can, why does this have to take so long? I just want to be myself again now.

Dad: Anisha, this pain runs deep. It would be a shock to your system if I healed it all now. Like when they revive someone’s heart with electrical shocks? Your heart can’t take that right now. We have to take this one step at a time.

Me: How long is this gonna take?

Dad: It doesn’t matter. Days, months, years, all that matter is that I am here. Are you ready?

Me: No….

Dad: take your time. I’m here. When you’re ready, I have a question. I love you. Thank you for letting me back in. It’s going to be okay.

[after some time elapsed]

Me: Okay, I’m ready. [Sigh]

Dad: Alright, love. Can you trust me? I promise to lift you up. I know that you don’t understand what parts of all this was me teaching you and what was satan tricking and manipulating your raw heart, but you have to trust me. I never let you go, but you have let go of me. I know it feels hard, but we can’t go anywhere until you trust me. [He reaches His hand down towards me]. I’ll wait.

[I struggle for some time]

Dad: I know it’s hard to believe right now, but I believe in you. You don’t have to do anything, just receive the faith I am giving to you. It’s a gift. I love you.

Me: I don’t think I can say “I love you” yet.

Dad: you don’t have to and I don’t expect you to. “We love because He first loved us.” Anisha, your love has to come from me and we’re just getting started on you receiving it again for yourself. Don’t rush, it will never change the love I have for you. Just like it hasn’t changed the love your best friend has for you.

[I sigh and eventually reach up into the air and grab His hand]

Dad: Now, don’t worry about what parts we will work on, just trust me. [much of the reason I haven't let Him in earlier is because it just seems like such a daunting task to even begin addressing everything that's going inside, I didn't even want to start] I know your heart is very tired. I know it feels ripped apart. So it’s time, if you can handle it tonight, to let me take our heart. You’ve tried to fix your heart on your own, but the thing is, Anisha, your heart is my heart. That’s why I said our heart. So don’t worry. I’ll put all your heart strings back together. Can you trust me now with your heart? Let me revive it? I’ll take care of it, I promise.

Me: that’s gonna take some time

Dad: That’s okay, we can work on that later then.

Me: no, I can’t stand this feeling….or rather numbness anymore.

[my brother sent me this song this morning and...like many songs lately, puts into words what I can't quite articulate]

Feel Again by OneRepublic

It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face

I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace

Everything that I had ’til my feet went numb

Praying like a fool that’s been on the run (verse 2: praying like a fool just shy of a gun)

Heart’s still beating but it’s not working

It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring

I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing

Yeah, my heart is numb

But with you I feel again

Yeah with you I feel again

I’m feeling better ever since you know me

I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me

[I physically make the motion of grabbing my heart and presenting it to Him with my hands]

Dad: thank you.

Me: for what?

Dad: for the orange peanut! [reference to a bad lip reading video of the NFL...basically He's just joking with me and I chuckle] For trusting me. I’ll take good care of your heart, I promise. I’m really proud of you, dear. [kisses my forehead] Now be patient with yourself and we will take this one step at a time. We’ll get you back to yourself and you’ll be stronger and your love for people will be even more beautiful. I love you. Now you did a very good job today, let your heart rest.

_____

So that’s that for now. After that Jesus therapy session, I was just laying on the bed listening to songs Jesus recommended me to listen to. I found that my heart beat was loud, so full inside. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt like my heart was more alive. A heart of flesh. Something I haven’t felt in a while….it was tiring but relieving too.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

_____

Dear Bubble Buddy,

Thank you for loving me as you have. I can’t imagine how much worse I would be if you weren’t there so faithfully, so patiently. I think this whole situation has exemplified what I mean when I say you being you is more than enough love for me. Nothing more, nothing less. I tried to reach out to love you and felt nothing as much as I wanted to feel everything, but I’m getting there and I know I am definitely starting to feel again. Because of you.

I love you.

Nine Hours

Only 9 hours until I embark on the long-awaited adventure of a lifetime. I’m a bit frazzled right now because I just finished the last of the packing which kinda helped it hit me that I’m LEAVING IN 9 HOURS. WAT. Time flies so quickly.

Wow I almost don’t know what to say. First off, I am SO EXCITED that I can’t express it fully to you. Last night, it took me twice as long to fall asleep from just pure excitement for what was in my near future. I just know that God has something super incredible up His sleeve. The whole trip I’m sure will be beyond my expectations, but there’s just something that is really gonna hit me hard. What will it be? We’ll find out together! Practically what am I excited for? I know that I may be going to visit nomadic herders and be able to star-gaze with them at God’s artwork in the skies, so that just sounds freakin’ epic. Generally I’m just EXCITED. God’s giving me such excitement and I can sense Him just smiling as I try to contain my desire to just jump up and down on the bed like a little girl who just got told she’s gonna get a pony. Basically I’ve been using a lot of exclamation points in emails lately.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been in much prayer as I should have been. But the next month is going to be so incredibly intimate with my Jesus that it’ll be okay. eeeeeeep so excited. Isn’t it crazy that a group of people prayed for three years to be able to send a team to Mongolia, and I’m part of that answer? What an incredible God I serve and love.

I’m so excited to meet my teammate Grace in person. Google hangouting for the past 5 weeks won’t compare to sharing a room together for a month. (also excited to reunite with my trip leader, Gabe!) I’m excited to meet the long-term missionaries we’ll be serving and learning from them. Just listening to their stories and being awed at our God together. I’m excited to hug Mongolian children and give them gifts that will make them smile! I’m excited to just be experiencing a new culture with people who love Jesus and introduce Jesus to those who don’t know Him yet. That’s just going to be incredible. Telling someone about Jesus who has NEVER heard of Jesus. So amazing.

Oh I’m also just so TOUCHED by the donations report I received today. $2384 out of $3830 has been given on my account!!!!! Praise God! Just touches my heart in a really deep way. I just know that once I return, the rest will be given. Who needs a September 5th deadline? haha!

I’m pretty sure I’m rambling, but I’m just too excited. Have I said that enough? EXCITED. SO EXCITED. This is definitely not my most eloquent post….

Well I went swimming today, and I was just thinking… I’m just gonna be inundated with God’s love for this next month. No matter what setbacks and unmet expectations, I don’t want to ever forget the intimate love Jesus has for me. I think that even though I’m so excited I can barely contain myself (well I’ll have to contain myself for my 15 hour flight to Seoul…or purposely explode on my neighbor…hehe), I have just realized that life is really just amazing. I didn’t do anything spectacular the other day, but by the end of it, I was just so thankful to be alive. Life itself is a God-led adventure. So I wanna remember that whether I’m in Mongolia or sitting in my Alabama home all day, my life is amazing. It’s amazing not because of how awesome I am, but because of how awesome the God inside of me is. He makes me awesome.

So cheers to awesomeness and to adventure. God, let’s do this.

Number one prayer request for eternity: that I fall more in love with Jesus every day.

This song has been on replay lately. I think God is going to show me the immense power of these words right in front of my eyes for the next month. Can’t wait for all the stories that I’ll have to share with ya’ll about how awesome, good, and amazing my God is!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!