Why?

So I tend to hold off on telling people what God has been teaching me until I get the pretty, nicely wrapped up testimony that warms, encourages, and/or challenges people’s hearts. I think with my closest friends I tend to do this less. With my Best Friend I actively try NOT to do this…I ask Him questions and wonder what He’s trying to teach me all the time. When it comes to God, a sister said I was introspective. That’s good right?

So right now I’m going to tell you what I’m wondering to try to fully fellowship with y’all.

1. Why does God LOVE ME SO MUCH?!??!?!?!?!! I really don’t understand. How am I worthy of this love that’s higher than the heavens and deeper than the oceans? I fail all the time and when I look at Jesus’s ministry of purest compassion and love, I tend to get discouraged before I get encouraged. Yeah, He’s God and I’m human so I’m bound to fail, but still, it’s so hard to live this life in which I am called to represent Christ on earth to those who do not know Him. I seem to find myself having a messed up version of what it means to love someone. Then I look at Christ and it’s the purest, most overwhelming love. Why does He love me that much? “I do not deserve the grace that you have given or the promise of Your word/ Lord, I stand in wonder at the sacrifice You made”

2. I feel so guilty. I went to NYC with a friend to do touristy stuff like the Empire State Building and museums. [btdubbs, I loved the American Museum of Natural History, I felt so nerdy in the Hall of Biodiversity]. I feel like my reasoning to go on this trip was misplaced and I felt like I spent way too much money. Yes, money is fleeting and it was a vacation so it’s expected to spend a lot. Not to sound all ‘good and holy’ or whatever that means, but after seeing the bill after one meal I wished I had just bought a hot dog on the side of the street and donated the rest of the money to mycharity:water. The guilt is still eating at me, and I realized at some point that maybe God was trying to repeat the lessons I told ya’ll about in my last post. Maybe this is something to learn from, to walk in grace. It’s hard to accept right now though even though it’s past and there’s nothing I can do about it. As I struggled with this guilt, I was walking in a crowd out of South station to get on the T, and a woman stopped me among all the people around me to ask for money for her bus ticket. I honestly had $2 cash on me which was not the $40 she needed, and I just told her sorry and walked away. However, the second I left I doubted myself. I could have given her those $2. Or I could have figured out some way to use my debit card to help her. I felt so convicted because I truly felt like when I looked into her eyes that I was looking at Jesus. That sounds really weird now that I’ve typed it, but it’s true. Then I was reminded of this: ‘ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ ‘ -Matthew 25: 44-45. I think I’m being harsh on myself, but if I say I believe all this and can’t live it out, how can I truly be His follower?

3. I don’t speak my mind when I should. This is something He’s grown me a lot in, but apparently I still have a lot of room to grow in. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” -James 1:19-20. I feel like I am patient in a weird way since I think that everything will work itself out somehow whether I say something or not, but instead it continues to bother me until it boils up inside and I explode usually to my mom who puts a healthy perspective on the situation for me. I need to value my opinion more instead of just trying to please everyone. There needs to be some sort of balance here between trying to serve others and not letting my own voice be forgotten.

4. YET among all my questions and struggles right this second, God is so amazingly patient and good. When I was taking a cab to get to my bus from NY, I was sitting in the back pondering everything I just mentioned…on the verge of tears with the guilt that was eating at me. Then right when I was about to fall asleep, the cab driver started asking me questions. I don’t know how it happened or what led to it, but it eventually led to me sharing my interpretation of the Gospel and why I became Christian 3 years ago. To the Pakistani cab driver who has a master’s in religion, who I will probably never meet again in this world, I hope I will meet you in heaven one day. Talk about God giving you the encouragement when You start to wonder why He put you in these situations.

I guess now that this is written I realize I don’t openly share my jumbled thoughts much because I don’t really feel like I need tons of encouragement right now from you all. I’m not moping or distraught as it might sounds above. I definitely do want to receive your thoughts humbly. However, I have found the ‘right answers’ in the Bible and in prior experiences. Right now, it’s just getting all that to my heart again and only God can do that, so it’s just a process right now so don’t worry about me. Hope that came out right…

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs. Which I sang today in church thinking how the song says “I called, you answered”, but now I find myself thinking how God rescued me before I even realized I needed His rescuing. WHY DOES HE LOVE ME THAT MUCH? To save me before I knew I needed saving?

Can’t Get Enough

I’ve been in this place where I was just going through the motions of praying and reading the Bible. I knew what it felt like to not want to do anything but seek God and know Him better so I was just trying to get that passion stirred up again. It was just hard though because I was serving the fellowship and talking to people about God and what He is doing at Tufts but not experiencing any of it for myself. I felt kinda selfish to want to experience it myself, but I just thirsted for His presence and His companionship.

For example, I didn’t know what this song meant…show me your glory? I don’t really know how to ask God that with the faith Moses did.

Then I went to the onething regionals conference run by International House of Prayer in this quaint, Disney-esque town called Ocean Grove, New Jersey. God provided a car (read about it here) and we were off this past weekend! It should have been much more tiring with the 7.5 hour drive down (traffic and rain that made the lanes completely invisible which was extremely scary) and waking up early to watch the sunrise over the ocean [picture below] and 3 sessions of teaching and worship AND driving back Saturday night to arrive at 3:10AM. However, God gave me a peace, joy, and strength that can only come from Him. In the moments of listening to the sermons and worshiping God, I just thought it was good to be there but it didn’t seem like it was really going to be that much of a blessing but rather a good experience.

The fruit showed back on campus.

1) At the conference, someone prayed over the people and said something like: “I feel like God is telling some of you that He has seen you. He has seen you being faithful to His calling for you even if you feel like you don’t feel like you accomplished anything and haven’t seen any fruit. He sees you when you play your guitar and don’t feel Him, and He is soooo pleased with you and happy to be spending time with you. Because He delights in you and likes you. He doesn’t just love you, He likes you.” I didn’t realize how much I was hurting about my small group ministry last year until God said that and just blew me away with His humility and thankfulness. A truly humble King. Then today I experienced a lot of healing and reconciliation about my ministry last year and…man, God is just so good. Slowly but surely, God is tearing down the walls I built inside my heart and freeing me from the chains I didn’t even know existed. #2, 3, and 4 in my other post (click here) have changed. Praise God

2) The sermon on Sunday was about an almighty God who changes us during our suffering rather than changing our situations because He loves us so much and wants us to grow into the greatness He has planned for us. It was a kind of sermon that I would normally respond to by crying after being reminded of the joy I should have in my suffering and of the love God has for me. This time though I was just smiling with a joy in my heart because I do have joy in my suffering from all my academic struggles these past two years. I finally found my place and know God is using my testimony for people who are going through the same exact struggles. I am able to relate to them and share how God truly redeems and uses things that make no sense to me for His glory and for my good. So much healing going on in the past few days.

3) As I said earlier, I wanted to be in that place of being on fire for Him and not wanting to be anywhere else than His presence. The conference refreshed and revived me to that place and even further. I just want to be in His presence all the time…whether I’m worshiping or doing my homework or talking to people. But “show me your glory” has a lot of meaning. I began to understand it as I read The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. Being in His glory is being in the most holy, heavenly, and beautiful place with the Holy One. It’s a richness that’s hard to grasp, “a realm of emotion” that overtakes you, and a place you never want to leave. That’s what Heaven’s going to be like…and I can get just the tiniest taste of it when I truly sing with my heart (which I finally feel like I can say that I have truly experienced) and desire to be with Him. His love is life and is forever in my heart, so I can always experience Him and the fullness of joy in His presence.

I can see His glory in every sunrise. As I walk into His ocean of grace...deep huh?

“Release the fullness of your Spirit…I can’t get enough of your presence”

An Ocean of Grace

I am going to explode if I don’t share this with someone.

I am FREE! So in the last post (click) I shared about some people who have hurt me deeply. Well, in the past few months or so, God has really been convicting me to fully forgive them. I’ve made steps before this conviction…acknowledging that I can’t change what happened, letting it just become a part of my past, etc. I didn’t know how to forgive them, so I just prayed for God to help me. It’s been a process, but now I can say that I am free!

I knew that the Bible says, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:15. I knew that God had forgiven me of so much that I had to do the same and extend forgiveness to these people who had hurt me. It was so hard to do that in my own strength. However, God started to heal me as I gave it to Him. It is simply impossible to forgive without God. He makes me want to forgive. I went through different steps…acknowledging that I still had not fully forgiven them, asking others I had hurt to forgive me, and hearing from others what it looked like for them to forgive people.

After hearing Pastor Dave’s sermon about enemies and God as the righteous judge, for the first time in prayer, I was able to fully bless those who have hurt me. I have prayed for them before, but this time, I had peace in my heart. I sincerely wanted the best for them. After sitting on it for one night, I know that it wasn’t just a fleeting peace about it all. I have been freed of the chains that were holding down on my heart, and it feels great. Peace has taken place of the built-up resentment and anger in my heart. I finally have accepted in my heart that God sees the pain and that I can move past it with His help.

Forgiveness is difficult. It’s been a struggle, but it feels so good. It’s restorative. God’s grace is so immense and deep like the ocean, and if I have this gift of grace, I have to try my best to extend forgiveness to the people around me. Someone reminded me today that the gospel becomes real when we forgive each other. It’s so true. Now I realize the significance of the grace God has shown me, how I truly don’t deserve it and how desperately I need it. Even better…the root of it all is love. “‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD” -Leviticus 19:18. I think the sermon was quite dramatic to apply to my case with talk of enemies and all, but I think that helped me realize that my situation made forgiveness seem easy. I didn’t have anyone out to try and kill me like David did, yet David was the bigger person in this passage (click). Why couldn’t I do the same? Jesus was betrayed too, but “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” -1 Peter 2:23.

So I was finally able to respond by doing what Matthew 5:44-45 says: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Life is a daily struggle, but today I’m free. I’ll rejoice in that.

Yes. It feels great to be free.

Friends, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and praying for me through this. It means the world to me.