I haven’t posted in almost two months which is kind of crazy because SO SO SO much has been happening in my life, so my apologies to those who benefit from the words God uses on this blog. However, I simply found no desire to post yet….the timing was never quite right, even when I had posts ready in my head just because God is cool.
So it’s interesting that now He wants me to share. Not even 3 weeks ago I was the happiest person in the world, realizing that it really is true that whom the Son sets free is free indeed! I could have skipped around campus telling all of the freedom I finally understood, finally felt. Before that moment I had thought my heart was free, but there was a nasty little thumbtack still stuck on my heart that Jesus patiently helped me release. “Anisha, it’s time to heal.”
Oh but that changed quickly. Probably because Satan didn’t like how I was doing too much. So everything started pulling out from under me. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was losing a grasp on the world. Everything had been pure joy. I knew I was also learning a hard lesson on how to love myself….but something was wrong.
Now I’m going to ramble and it might not make sense, but I need an outlet that’s not just my brain and not just my best friend’s wonderful listening ears.
Love God, love yourself, love others. The unified, harmonious three elements of love, all from an outflow of knowing the Father’s love. God told me that I struggle with loving myself, but I didn’t know how to let that happen. I knew I naturally just loved people because I truly love being there for people whenever they need me. It’s so easy for me to love God because He’s just so awesome. Then it’s so easy to love people because of the overflow, but I guess God’s saying that I don’t really let the love sink into me. I just receive and push it back out without second thought. With people, it’s probably mainly my fault, but I don’t really let people love me the way I want to be loved. And when I do give them the chance, they completely miss it. I love people the way I want to be loved…am I just not getting what friendship means? It feels so selfish for me to ask people to do something for me, but if they just treated me like how I treated them/would treat them without me having to say so, I don’t think I’d be having so many relationship struggles. But that’s so unfair to expect that of people. How are they supposed to know if I don’t tell them? But why does no one ever really ask? And when people ask now, I can’t let them in because I can’t trust them anymore. Maybe my “need to be needed” is a dangerous thing. When I pondered it though, what if the way I feel most loved by people is when they need me? Is that bad? Is linking the two wrong? I don’t think so, but I’m having a really difficult time figuring out what that looks like. So…how do I love myself by letting others love me?
After a series of events and things, I suddenly found myself empty. Completely gave out all of me, completely exhausted. Unsure about what to do next but to just heal. It hurts a ton, and I wish I could just get my act together. I’m not being patient with myself. God told me to trust people again even though I have a hard time with that because of my past. So I did. Because I trust Him. But now it hurts even more because I trusted people but no one was there when I needed them. God told me that I let myself trust IN people not just trust people. I am only supposed to trust IN God. So when He could see that I was straying, why didn’t He just tell me before people got in too deep? It’s not like I don’t hear His voice. So I trusted God to let myself trust people again, and now that it hurts even more, I am having a hard time really trusting Him while I’m confused. So things are proving quite difficult when I don’t know how to trust in Him again because He’s usually my go-to. I don’t know where to turn.
I don’t know how to let God love me, let alone people. I don’t have to explain my heart or thoughts to God, so it’s easier to try to trust God again. He’s being very tender and very patient with my very raw and hypersensitive heart right now, but I’m just super cynical of people right now. Which isn’t good. Which I don’t know how to fix either. I could just hide, cut myself off from people again, not let anyone in. That strategy worked pretty well in grade school. Though, if I hadn’t tried again in college, I wouldn’t have all of these blessings of people in my life. So I’m caught somewhere in the middle now.
Sorry if this post makes you sad or worried, but it is my blog and is my current status so not sorry at the same time haha. This whole post (so how I have been for the past ~2 weeks) is so unlike me, which scares me. I think I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how to get myself back either. I know the Truth in my head that I am beloved, that I am on the Solid Rock, that Mr. Joy lives inside of me. I knowwwww. I just don’t know at the same time. An additionally difficult aspect of all of this is that I KNOW the truth about what Jesus says about me and I know which thoughts in my head are lies from the enemy. So the fact that I’m struggling almost makes me disappointed in myself, which isn’t fair to myself. mehhhhh.
And it’s spring break. The point was to enjoy all these people’s company as my last semester at Tufts wraps up and to have the best of times. Fill it with memories to hold on to, but as you can imagine, all I want to do is hide in a corner and let God hold me.
Perfect love casts out fear. I guess the main task ahead is to let Perfect Love aka God do His thing in me.
there are more thoughts, but right now, I don’t think it’s going to help to just tell you all of them.
“Ain’t no mountain high enough/Ain’t no valley low enough/Ain’t no river wide enough/to keep me from the love of Jesus”
Recently I told a good friend how God might be teaching me a lesson on the power of a memory after 2 of the things below happened…
1) That friend and I had watched Memento that has a main character who has short-term memory loss and cannot create new memories 2) That night I was distractedly moving pictures from my trip from my phone to computer and accidentally deleted like 60 photos….memories forever gone (though I prayed when it happened that God would make them appear again and some of them actually did…HAH Jesus! Technically cannot explain how that happened so has to be Jesus) 3) The next day I flew out after spending 3 weeks with her and couldn’t help reliving memories made and hoping for more to come 4) I saw a movie on the plane that had a dad with Alzheimer’s. 5) Then I slowly realized the reality that I am entering my final semester of college. That is absolutely crazy sauce.
I could sum up everything I’m about to say with: TIME FLIES. I’ll elaborate anyways :p
In a TV show my brother was watching today, a character said: “Stop reliving memories! Don’t be stuck in the past.” That got me thinking, maybe my sentimentality isn’t healthy. Maybe the way I treasure memories and the words people have said to me isn’t good either. I think if you solely dwell in those memories it’s probably not good, but I use memories to build my present and hope for my future in these relationships. There’s a lot of value in memories…they enable you to build a relationship of deep trust because of past experiences, unlike the guy in Memento was able to do. They help you recognize and deeply know a person, unlike the father who had Alzheimer’s. They help you know the value of the people in your life to be present to them today and be excited for how your stories will tangle and unfold in the future.
I surprised myself by my reaction to losing pictures. The reason being that I couldn’t even remember what went missing and those pictures helped me remember. They helped me share those experiences with others and they were gone. However, God showed me how stopping to think and be still could help and my friend and I were able to remember what all those lost pictures were. Remembering images and experiences in your own memory, never to be quite the same when captured on film or in words, is something no one can take away from me. So I guess that’s why I record things both on film and in words….I just don’t want my brain to fail me.
This friend I spent winter break with is very special to me. It’s pretty evident to both of us that we would have never met if God hadn’t set us up on the same missions team in Mongolia. We’re pretty excited to see where life will lead us. We haven’t known each other long, but that doesn’t seem to matter. The love I have for her can only be explained as God. I could go on and on about what she’s taught me, and I think that’s pretty incredible. We both couldn’t believe how fast 3 weeks flew by. So cliché but as we headed to the airport for my departure, we felt like it was just yesterday when I had arrived. Saying goodbye this time wasn’t full of so much crying on my part as when I left Mongolia, when I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever see those people again and couldn’t help missing the experience of serving God with those people. This goodbye was interesting….almost more difficult. It was that almost dreaded taste of what it will be like to say bye after Tufts. I know for a fact that I will see her again at some point but also know that it won’t ever really be the same as spending so much time together. I know that just as fast as 3 weeks flew by, it’ll be May before I know it. These are the thoughts I’m thankful to even be consumed by…that I have these opportunities to travel, to see the world, to learn, to love. That God has brought these incredible people and experiences to me. That He has even more to give! Good thing my heart is His heart because sometimes I feel like my heart can’t take the beauty of it all.
My pastor yesterday was explaining how he married his wife because he just couldn’t imagine a moment without her, how he would miss her every time he turned around. The solution? Marry her. This was affirmation of how I’ve been thinking about marriage and how it makes sense. Through special friendships of just pure Jesus love, I’ve realized what it feels like to just want to be with someone all the time and why missing them is so hard. I told God the other night how I was jealous He had the privilege to always hang out with ALL the awesome people in this world. Of course they’re awesome because He made them. He gets to know everything about them/their days and have intimate quality time all the time! That’d be cool. The thing is Jesus is in union with His bride, the body of Christ. So though it might not feel the same, because I’m in union with Jesus that means I’m in union with all these people too so it’s not so difficult to be apart. Because we’re united in Spirit and I think that’s pretty awesome.
I can’t wrap my mind around how it’s the 8th and final semester starting in 2 days. I think though by the time I absorb this fact, it’s going to be over. I want to savor every moment, create many new memories to treasure and hold. I’m just the kind of person who has been imagining all the “see you later”s and long goodbye hugs that will happen in May 2013 periodically since last semester and are already occurring more frequently though I’m not even on campus yet. I was the hugest skeptic about all the things I heard about college….PSH ”you’ll find your closest friends there,” “best 4 years of your life,” etc. but…they’ve been true. It’s so cliché but I can’t describe it any other way. I have so much life ahead of me, but I’m never going to forget the memory of freshman Anisha and how she grew into a beautiful, strong, rooted daughter of God during her four years in Jumbo land. I don’t want it to happen, but this semester is going to fly through my fingers. I’m barely going to be able to stop and think or I’ll miss something. Though I know I’m going to look back and be so incredibly proud of the footprints I left at Tufts, the impact I made on people, the experiences I’ve had, and ultimately, how I glorified my God.
Cheers to memories made and those to come. It’s going to be an awesome semester standing for the One who gave it all among a God-given family that means the world to me.
This post is dedicated to everyone who has believed in me, who has sincerely told me “I miss you,” and who has taken time to be present in my life.
Stumbled on this song again recently. It’s absolutely beautiful. No matter who comes in and out of my life, God is constant, is always my Best Friend, and is always rooting for me. He is for me.
Last night at Agape 2012 (faith-based benefit concert at Tufts where student performers use the arts as an expression of God’s Love) I shared my testimony. In case you couldn’t make it and be overwhelmed by God’s goodness and love through all the dances, songs, and testimonies, here’s mine at the least. I didn’t say everything I typed out, but it’s the fuller story. Feel free to grab me for a meal or to talk if you ever need it.
INTRODUCTION
Now in prep for this, I’ve been praying and it’s been exciting to see what God has slowly been revealing. I have a general idea about what He’s about to say about what He’s written so far in the story of my life on earth, but you should know that there are hundreds of stories I could tell about God’s goodness and love. This is just a small attempt to give you a small idea of who this big God is through my struggles. There are thousands of reasons why I love and trust the Lord.
BEFORE TUFTS
Before Tufts, as many of us were, I was always at the top of my class. I grew up with my parents, their friends, teachers, and my friends knowing that I always succeeded in school. I even got a double promotion and skipped third grade. The fourth graders that year hated me. My dad expected me to get academic awards and just go above and beyond.
So that created high expectations to fulfill for my parents and myself, and created a very deep-rooted sense of pride about how awesome I was.
Then we get to Tufts. God had a lot of work to do with me.
This semester is the FIRST semester at Tufts I haven’t withdrawn or dropped from a class due to academic struggles. Things are finally turning around, but my, was I impatient.
I thought it was hard when I had to drop Bio 13 freshmen year since that was the first time I failed like that academically and ended up resulting in my first time experience hearing God’s voice clearly through Scripture when He said in Proverbs 23:18 “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”
So after having to drop another class second semester as well, I thought freshmen year was God humbling me and that was that. Now I’m good! Psh. Wrong. We’re proud all the time and God had a LOT to break down in me.
SOPHOMORE YEAR
My dream to be a missionary doctor in India started to get rattled starting sophomore year. Genetics in the fall ended being bad news bears and I had to withdraw. I started to doubt the biology major, the pre-med track, but God told me to stay. I did and I was really confused why these struggles kept happening.
Over winter break, I got a Tufts email that I had been put on academic probation because of the W and an almost failing grade in Chem 1. I remember being in utter denial, wanting to explode, and wanting to curl up in a ball all at the same time. Talk about emotional confusion. I had no choice about telling my parents since they got a letter in the mail, which I’m glad about. So the only people in the WORLD who knew about my Academic Probation 1 were Mom, Dad, Dean Gould, and Anisha. It was staying that way because things were gonna get better before anyone even knew what was happening.
Wrong again. I didn’t think it was possible for things to get worse. Dropped Chem 2 and doing poorly in a bio class. I would tell people that I was struggling academically, but no one knew the true extent because I didn’t let anyone in. I got so annoyed when I was constantly reminded that “God is with you”, “God is going to change things”, or “God is writing your story”. I didn’t want to exercise patience. I felt like my pre-med plan was slowly getting ruined, and I wanted everything to be fixed ASAP.
SUMMER
Following a recommendation of a pre-med advisor, I decided to take genetics AND general physiology during one summer session. Bad. Don’t do that.
I knew I needed to drop one because I couldn’t handle the speed and amount of material, but God kept saying…”trust me”. It was a day by day struggle. I would literally write words like “trust” and “faith” and “don’t worry” on my hand to keep myself from spiraling down in negativity. Then there came a point when I realized I would need a miracle to even pass genetics. No more, “okay I shall trust God.” It became “God what the hell is going on?! Why is this getting worse?! You promised better!” An hour after this realization, I get a Tufts email that I’ve been put on Academic Probation 2.
‘Crushed’ is a tame description of how my insides felt. I was a wreck. Knowing I needed to withdraw, had a rare argument with my mom, and being put on AP 2 was too much to handle so I cried myself to sleep a lot at the end of that summer session and at home. I couldn’t really feel where He was, even though I knew He was with me. I tried to push all the emotion down until I got home that summer to figure things out, but I had some emotional explosions at church when I couldn’t sing songs in faith and the next day when I met with my genetics professor to make sure that it was the right decision. He didn’t even ask how I was, he didn’t know me. He point blank said “I have no idea why you’re still in this class and you should have withdrawn a long time ago.” This uncompassionate blow to my pride led to me sitting on the grass outside of Carm crying to my mom asking her for all the answers I could not find in God. I asked for her forgiveness for wasting time and money and for disappointing her. She just asked if I still believed in God and I told her there was no way I’d deny Him, I just didn’t know why there was this much suffering.
Matthew 6:33-34. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
That’s what I thought I was living by in college, and I didn’t see the fruit. I almost felt betrayed that I was putting God before everything, and He couldn’t handle some grades.
At home, I had a 2-week walk through the desert, giving God the cold shoulder. I was really mad at Him, and as I look back, I’m very thankful He was so patient and faithful. I love praying and talking to Him, but I didn’t for two weeks. That’s a LONG time for me. A time of questions, doubts, worries. Do I go back to Tufts? Do I take some time off? I knew I had a calling at Tufts, but the enemy was trying to trick me that it was time to leave. After I had a talk with my mom, the truths moved from my head to my heart. The perfect illustration she gave was that sometimes when we are driving in the car and the road gets bumpy, we think something’s wrong with the car when it’s really just the road. We’re still going the right way; just because the road changes, that doesn’t mean we’re not going the right way. I decided to follow my passion for kids by pursuing a major in child development. It turns out that it will work out perfectly and I’ll graduate on time.
FALL JUNIOR YEAR
And child development truly has changed my whole Tufts experience. Following your passion is so important. I am now able to be passionate about my studies and perform well, only through God’s peace and wisdom. In the fall I had to drop my retake of Chem 1 because the signs weren’t lookin’ too good, and I equated giving this up to giving up my pre-med dreams. I thought I had to get pre-med stuff done during undergrad, and I was quite upset when my dean refused to let me leave the office until I dropped the class (she was doing this out of pure love and concern-best advice I’ve received at Tufts). Was this really my dream or God’s dream? Or one in the same? However, the way I reacted might seem the same on the outside, but spiritually, I no longer craved the answers. All I wanted was Him. I wanted God more than I wanted the answers this time around. It still bothered me, but I could tell God had increased my faith in His plans for me “and how we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” Soon after this, I had a revelation that if God already gave all of us the greatest gift of all in Jesus then it makes no sense whatsoever for anything else that happens to me to not be in my best interest. It’d be silly if God did the best thing ever for us and then treated us like crap after. He gave me a beautiful vision of myself as a doctor with joyous Indian children running into my arms that has sealed God’s plan for me. I’ve doubted it many a times here at Tufts, but not anymore.
As long as I’m with Him, I’m more than satisfied and happy with the day I’m given. “Each day has enough trouble of its own” so why worry about tomorrow when I have today? So yes, I dream about what it’ll be like to be a doctor, but I don’t really see the need now to plan the next few years of post-baccalaureate to finish pre-med requirements or anything because God’s plans will be infinitely better than anything I can come up with.
SHARING
I thought I was done with that whole thing then, even though I was on AP 2, I thought the testimony would just end with, “God got me off probation, yay, praise God.” Wrong, yet again. See a theme?
He convicted me to share with the whole world on my blog what I really meant by ‘academic struggle.’ He told me to be free from it and that complete exposure with Him and His people will lead to true fellowship. So even though it was one of the hardest things ever to write, God continued the healing process for me as I wrote and shared. Honesty and humility is never easy. But today, I willingly and easily share about it because it never was my story to hoard. I don’t even know 600 people but that’s about how many have clicked on that post (No More Hiding) specifically since Halloween.
Due to my past, I had trouble trusting friends and how they would perceive me. What would they think if they knew I was on AP? Well, I was so wrong because I found so many who love me as I am and would have easily been there for me if I had just let them in. Struggling with your family of brothers and sisters supporting you makes things infinitely easier. So by letting them in, I got to celebrate with everyone when I was completely removed from academic probation over winter break! It was so much more rewarding to share in the journey of God’s faithfulness with everyone than if it was just my parents and me.
DAY BY DAY
God proved His faithfulness to me in such a way that I can never deny this truth in my heart. Yes, I forget unfortunately when I focus on the waves surrounding me instead of just looking at His face, but He is faithful. Realizing how faithful He is has challenged me so much to be try to be as faithful to Him! He’s also very patient, letting me feel frustrated and confused about His plans while He knew all along that I was just being very silly. That’s why my 2012 resolution is to obey, because He’s more than proven to me that He’s the most trustworthy. I will follow and surrender all to Him because there’s no way I could ever turn back.
Yet I am still going deeper into this understanding of His faithfulness. This semester when I found myself in a similar situation of being unprepared for coming exams because I got distracted when God broke my heart for children trapped in sex trafficking, my faith wavered for a bit when God was testing whether I really understood His faithfulness, grace, and goodness. Ultimately though, God gave me time and grace and instead of doing poorly, everything exceeded all expectations because God gave me multiplied wisdom and everything went so well! So at first I thought I was going full circle, but it’s really an upward cycle. He says “Do not worry” so why do I still worry and stress? That really indicates that I don’t trust and don’t have faith, so my understanding is that stress is silly and unproductive. He wants to give us peace so I will receive it!
Be still and know He is God.
Yes, it gets quite tiring sometimes to continue struggling walking this narrow path, but you know what? I wouldn’t have life on any other path, so it’s more than worth it. And the beautiful part of this journey is that it’s in the normal day-to-day walking to class, going to sleep, and studying when you can find Him too. It’s not just when you’re doing the ‘Christian’ things…God never leaves you. It’s walking step by step with Him when I’ve found a lot of joy. “In Your presence, O God, there is fullness of joy”
CONCLUSION
I really feel like Job in this since I had to learn how to trust in God’s goodness despite my situation. And yeah, God is very good indeed.
I just read in a book called The Torch and the Sword that “All who follow the King in this time will soon know an adventure greater than any tale, greater than any dream.”
Which reminds me of a song by United Pursuit Band: “Come away with me, it’s gonna be wild, it’s gonna be great, it’s gonna be full of me”
This adventure with God is the most exciting adventure I’ve ever been on, and I can’t wait to see what else is in store whether I be dreaming what it’ll be like to be doctor or realizing all the blessings He poured on me that particular day.
I leave you with the lyrics of “He Holds My Hand” written by the Tufts Gospel Choir director, David Coleman. It has touched me deeply because it’s my testimony in song.
“I don’t know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day. Don’t borrow from its sunshine for its skies may turn to grey. Don’t worry o’er the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today I walk beside Him for He knows what is ahead. Many things about tomorrow that I don’t seem to understand. But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.”
