Recently I told a good friend how God might be teaching me a lesson on the power of a memory after 2 of the things below happened…
1) That friend and I had watched Memento that has a main character who has short-term memory loss and cannot create new memories 2) That night I was distractedly moving pictures from my trip from my phone to computer and accidentally deleted like 60 photos….memories forever gone (though I prayed when it happened that God would make them appear again and some of them actually did…HAH Jesus! Technically cannot explain how that happened so has to be Jesus) 3) The next day I flew out after spending 3 weeks with her and couldn’t help reliving memories made and hoping for more to come 4) I saw a movie on the plane that had a dad with Alzheimer’s. 5) Then I slowly realized the reality that I am entering my final semester of college. That is absolutely crazy sauce.
I could sum up everything I’m about to say with: TIME FLIES. I’ll elaborate anyways :p
In a TV show my brother was watching today, a character said: “Stop reliving memories! Don’t be stuck in the past.” That got me thinking, maybe my sentimentality isn’t healthy. Maybe the way I treasure memories and the words people have said to me isn’t good either. I think if you solely dwell in those memories it’s probably not good, but I use memories to build my present and hope for my future in these relationships. There’s a lot of value in memories…they enable you to build a relationship of deep trust because of past experiences, unlike the guy in Memento was able to do. They help you recognize and deeply know a person, unlike the father who had Alzheimer’s. They help you know the value of the people in your life to be present to them today and be excited for how your stories will tangle and unfold in the future.
I surprised myself by my reaction to losing pictures. The reason being that I couldn’t even remember what went missing and those pictures helped me remember. They helped me share those experiences with others and they were gone. However, God showed me how stopping to think and be still could help and my friend and I were able to remember what all those lost pictures were. Remembering images and experiences in your own memory, never to be quite the same when captured on film or in words, is something no one can take away from me. So I guess that’s why I record things both on film and in words….I just don’t want my brain to fail me.
This friend I spent winter break with is very special to me. It’s pretty evident to both of us that we would have never met if God hadn’t set us up on the same missions team in Mongolia. We’re pretty excited to see where life will lead us. We haven’t known each other long, but that doesn’t seem to matter. The love I have for her can only be explained as God. I could go on and on about what she’s taught me, and I think that’s pretty incredible. We both couldn’t believe how fast 3 weeks flew by. So cliché but as we headed to the airport for my departure, we felt like it was just yesterday when I had arrived. Saying goodbye this time wasn’t full of so much crying on my part as when I left Mongolia, when I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever see those people again and couldn’t help missing the experience of serving God with those people. This goodbye was interesting….almost more difficult. It was that almost dreaded taste of what it will be like to say bye after Tufts. I know for a fact that I will see her again at some point but also know that it won’t ever really be the same as spending so much time together. I know that just as fast as 3 weeks flew by, it’ll be May before I know it. These are the thoughts I’m thankful to even be consumed by…that I have these opportunities to travel, to see the world, to learn, to love. That God has brought these incredible people and experiences to me. That He has even more to give! Good thing my heart is His heart because sometimes I feel like my heart can’t take the beauty of it all.
My pastor yesterday was explaining how he married his wife because he just couldn’t imagine a moment without her, how he would miss her every time he turned around. The solution? Marry her. This was affirmation of how I’ve been thinking about marriage and how it makes sense. Through special friendships of just pure Jesus love, I’ve realized what it feels like to just want to be with someone all the time and why missing them is so hard. I told God the other night how I was jealous He had the privilege to always hang out with ALL the awesome people in this world. Of course they’re awesome because He made them. He gets to know everything about them/their days and have intimate quality time all the time! That’d be cool. The thing is Jesus is in union with His bride, the body of Christ. So though it might not feel the same, because I’m in union with Jesus that means I’m in union with all these people too so it’s not so difficult to be apart. Because we’re united in Spirit and I think that’s pretty awesome.
I can’t wrap my mind around how it’s the 8th and final semester starting in 2 days. I think though by the time I absorb this fact, it’s going to be over. I want to savor every moment, create many new memories to treasure and hold. I’m just the kind of person who has been imagining all the “see you later”s and long goodbye hugs that will happen in May 2013 periodically since last semester and are already occurring more frequently though I’m not even on campus yet. I was the hugest skeptic about all the things I heard about college….PSH ”you’ll find your closest friends there,” “best 4 years of your life,” etc. but…they’ve been true. It’s so cliché but I can’t describe it any other way. I have so much life ahead of me, but I’m never going to forget the memory of freshman Anisha and how she grew into a beautiful, strong, rooted daughter of God during her four years in Jumbo land. I don’t want it to happen, but this semester is going to fly through my fingers. I’m barely going to be able to stop and think or I’ll miss something. Though I know I’m going to look back and be so incredibly proud of the footprints I left at Tufts, the impact I made on people, the experiences I’ve had, and ultimately, how I glorified my God.
Cheers to memories made and those to come. It’s going to be an awesome semester standing for the One who gave it all among a God-given family that means the world to me.
This post is dedicated to everyone who has believed in me, who has sincerely told me “I miss you,” and who has taken time to be present in my life.
Stumbled on this song again recently. It’s absolutely beautiful. No matter who comes in and out of my life, God is constant, is always my Best Friend, and is always rooting for me. He is for me.
My resolution for 2012 was to be obedient because God has definitely proven to me that He’s trustworthy.
As I think about it, my journey has been incredible and there are infinitely more incredible adventures ahead of me. When I look back on 2012, I think it’s a year that I won’t forget. I saw so much fruit not because I was trying to focus on growing fruit, but I just dwelled within the Vine and I couldn’t help but grow fruit. I’m connected, in union with the vine. I’m a branch. How can I NOT grow fruit?! A good friend asked me what the highlight of 2012 was for me. I said that though I’ve been a confessing Christian for 4.5 years, 2012 was when I truly understood the magnificence and power of the cross. It didn’t change everything, but it did. Of course I wouldn’t have confessed Jesus as my Lord if I didn’t understand the cross to some level, but man, everything HAS changed because now I do really get it. Grace. Cross. Alive. God is good. Jesus lives in me>>> all words and phrases that are thrown around in Christian lingo, but oh now so much more powerful and meaningful. Everything I experience in life has to do with my understanding of the cross. Crucial!
Another part of my year….I just found out that I got on Dean’s List for the second semester in a row. Why is this statement so glorious and humbling?
Short version: Freshmen year solid GPA–>Sophomore fall academic probation I–>Soph spring academic probation II–>Summer term just bad. GPA suffers and lowest ever–>change to child development–>Junior fall removed completely from probation–>GPA is steadily increasing–>struggle to stop doing pre-med at Tufts (will finish post-grad)–>Junior spring Dean’s List–>Senior fall complete CD major–>Senior fall Dean’s List #2 with an almost completely redeemed GPA.
Long version in this post. It’s seriously long but all the details of my academic testimony are there. It’s a cool story in my opinion. Evidence of a faithful God, no matter how we react and flail our arms childishly when one little thing goes wrong.
The thing is, when I look back on how God came through I’m even more thankful because I see how much I have grown. In that long post, I claimed that I got angry at God because I didn’t know why all the suffering was happening when He could definitely handle a few grades. I shook. I thought I was in a desert place, a wilderness. Now if this were to happen all over again, I would confidently say I would not react the same way. I’m in the lushness of a Garden now, Jesus experienced a desert so that I would not have to. I am not shaken, because I am found on the solid Rock who makes me unshakable. I have everlasting joy. Through my experiences of being on academic probation, doubting my calling, failing to live up to my own and my parents’ expectations, being humbled, realizing God is my Answer and my Dream, knowing the power of open humility and sharing in community, and learning to live day by day, I now know identity’s fundamental nature. I realized more of who I am….a precious, valued daughter of God. When I got shaken, I forgot who I was. I let my situation determine my joy. Now, I KNOW who I am. I will NOT be shaken because I have everlasting joy. When a situation becomes troubled or difficult, I will testify to the truth of this everlasting Savior, who is Mr. Joy. Storms come to both believers and non-believers, but as believers, imagine how powerful a testament to the power of a relationship with Christ will be if we don’t depressed/angry/whatever when the storm comes. I’ve wanted to say this about my own academic story for a while now to my blog readers. Not to discredit where I was then, but to enhance where I am now.
In 2012, I learned how important it is to let God just love me. When I just let Him love me, growth and change just naturally happen. I don’t have to try. It’d be too difficult. My resolution to obey Him was me trying at first. When I just let Him love me, I understood His love to a deeper level. Then when He told me to do something, I wasn’t consciously telling myself “oh, I must obey God because He’s God and I made that my resolution” but rather obeying was a natural response. It wasn’t ever deeply challenging or contrary to what I wanted for myself because He never asked me to do something that wasn’t already in my heart (which is God’s heart so it all makes sense). His desires for my life are my desires too, so obeying was letting Him love me and show me more of His awesomeness through experiences. Going to Mongolia for missions, praying for people on the streets, becoming a Freshmen Small Group leader are all examples of obedience now that I look back. When those things happened though, I wasn’t consciously making myself obey. I was just going with the flow. Doing things that would love people and help me know God more! Naturally, fruit came. It’s really awesome to see change. I guess I always know my obedience does something. Maybe I can’t always see exactly what that something is yet, but I know that something exists….It’s very freeing to live like this, not feeling burdened or responsible to see the fruit but just knowing it will come!
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. –Romans 8:28
So my resolution for 2013 is…nothing. I’ve resolved to live every day as a lover of His presence. So I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing and let the King love me. I think that’s a good thing to live by for all my days. New Year’s this year didn’t seem as special a time to reflect on the year and make new goals. I think it’s because it really is just another awesome day with the King, moving into another calendar year, constantly excited for what He has in store.
Here’s a song that God reminded me of the day I got found out about Dean’s List, it’s simply perfect. Helped me celebrate it with Him with a lot of joyful giggles.
Jesussssss issssss AMAAAAYYYZINGGGGGG. I like seriously don’t know what to do with myself. So much is happening that I can’t handle it. I have too many stories that happen everyday for me to share it even with my closest friends or my mom or ANYONE but thank GOD hahahaha that He knows every detail because He’s the One making all these things happen anyway!!! HAHA I’m exploding.
I have three stories to tell you about how a God of details is pursuing everyone, whether or not he/she realizes how much he/she needs Him. I could just cry because it’s so beautiful. Well I did already for all these stories, but I could cry more. NOT out of sadness, out of the purest joy I’ve ever known in my life.
I woke up this morning just so HAPPY to be ALIVE! It just got crazier though. Everything He does screams “I love you” and everything He is says “I care.” Jesus is alive and well. He is living on my insides and roaring like a lion.
1) My father
If you know me at all, you would know that my go-to prayer request is for my dad. He’s Muslim and needs Jesus so desperately. Between my mom and I, we have probably accumulated a prayer army in the number of something crazy like 100 people. You can ask me more about what God is doing in him, but I’ll share a brief overview.
My dad was quite a devout Muslim when I was young, praying 5 times a day and observing all the holidays. I would characterize him now as a cultural Muslim and observes holidays to prove to himself/others that he is still Muslim. He’s come a long way since my mom, brother, and I started our adventures with God 4.5 years ago (average). From hating how much we went to church and served there, to discussing the differences between some Koran and Bible stories with my mom, to letting us pray for his pinched nerve with him. After winter retreat sophomore year, my dad surprise visited me at a time when God was challenging me to tell me how much Jesus meant to me so I got to share what the Gospel meant to me and we discussed faith for two hours. At the end of that conversation, he told me that he was so proud to have raised a daughter who could make her own decisions and become a great person. However, he never wanted to talk about this again. Door closed?
God has told my mom and I in so many visions how my dad will one day receive Jesus and do so much for the Kingdom. One is a vision of my dad ankle-deep in the ocean, and once my mom and I were fully inundated in this ocean (interpreted as in the fullness of the Spirit) a HUGE WAVE just overtakes my dad. I was kinda confused by that because I knew I had been baptized by the Spirit but my dad’s encounter hadn’t happened yet. I saw visions of myself running to my friends’ rooms sophomore year telling them my dad had received Jesus. It didn’t happen though. I realize now that was God encouraging me and that NOW I REALLY UNDERSTAND what it feels like to have COMPLETE JOY and FULLNESS OF HIS SPIRIT. So my dad encountering Jesus is happening powerfully soon.
I knew though for a FACT that the seed had been sown. From then on, I’ve been praying for that seed to just be watered and that other godly people would surround him. That JESUS would be revealed to my father. My mom frequently tells me how he says things about business and life that he doesn’t even realize yet how God is pursuing him. Things like “your God must really love you because that business deal shouldn’t have closed out so easily” or “it feels like I have some weird favor in the business lately.” My dad has weirdly amazing connections everywhere he goes. Currently he’s in Bangladesh where once he actually answered my hopeless question of “what do you actually do, Dad?” and he’s dabbed in economic, political, social, and business enterprises throughout Bangladesh. People know him. Important people. So imagine what will happen when he knows Jesus loves him and he uses his gift with words to preach the gospel. It’s going to be so beautiful. His biggest dreams are to build a school and hospital in Bangladesh that provide free services. He’s told me that I’ll be the manager of the hospital. Talk about God meshing our dreams together. That day will come when we partner together to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth.
In the past few months, the sincerity of people telling me that they would pray for my dad is something special. Something is happening.
Well I shared in this post how God told me to go home after graduation because it’s my dad’s time to see me live out my faith. At retreat this past weekend with my fellowship, God used a dear brother of mine to rock me. My brother came up to me at the end of worship and said that during his quiet time, he saw me first of all praying healing over a crowd (that’s going to happen at Tufts soon yo it’s gonna be awesome). He saw me also kneeling and praying for healing for my dad who is KNEELING NEXT TO ME and receiving the healing. HE’S GONNA KNOW AND LOVE JESUS SOON. I was falling on my knees with thankfulness when he told me. We had small groups so I didn’t really get to absorb the goodness of this vision. After some worship, I was just reveling in the glory when I noticed one of my bestest friends laying near me so I crawl over to tell her the vision. But she was like, about to cry and then I WAS LIKE OMYGOD THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I have never imagined what it would be like to have my dad as a brother, I’ve just kinda known it would happen one day. But it really hit me. I get to talk to him about Jesus, worship with him, pray with him, study the gospels together. So basically what happened is that my sister and I joy cried for 2 hours straight. People thought we were crazy when they were walking in and out. But then on Sunday I got to share with them that God loved my dad so much whether they saw me the night before or because they asked about why my eyes were so baggy/why I was only capable of opening my eyes halfway. (swollen from all that joy crying) All worth it. I am so excited for this. If I cried for 2 hours just thinking about it, imagine what I’ll do when it really happens. AHHHH.
2) Freshmen
So I shared in the first item in this post about the first random person I prayed for. She is not random to me anymore. I’m going to be studying the bible with her soon over lunch with a good friend of hers too! Isn’t that incredible? That my first connection with her was when I had faith to pray for her randomly?
IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. A GOD OF DETAILS. Just one testimony that shows me the fruit of simple obedience to be a small group leader when I didn’t expect to be one.
I was driving back from retreat and a freshman sister was my navigator. We were chatting while everyone else in the back was sleeping. She mentioned that she felt challenged after this retreat to be more open with her faith with her friends, especially Girl A and Girl B. I was like, WAIT. I AM DOING A BIBLE STUDY OVER LUNCH WITH THEM. Then we freaked out. I told the freshman that I actually met Girl A because she was the first random person I prayed healing over at Tufts. Then she was like WAIT I was THERE. Then I realized freshman sister was totally one of the two other friends sitting with Girl A that I couldn’t remember. AHH JESUS. After I had prayed and left, freshman sister was able to share with Girl A and B that she was a Christian and that she had never seen anyone ever pray for someone like that. Freshman sister was amazed by that person’s faith and the love she just witnessed, wondering if she would ever meet that person in TCF. WHO WOULDA THOUGHT that it would be her BIBLE STUDY LEADER HAHAHA. So we are driving in the car and freaking out how Jesus makes connections and is so detailed. Freshman sister tells me that my praying for Girl A’s leg sparked a spiritual conversation about how Christianity is a personal relationship with God and then they realized they got an invitation to Jesus and Java so they decided to go! They went to Jesus and Java (which is where I saw Girl A and freaked out because I hadn’t invited her to Jesus and Java and found out my prayer had made her day), they came to Freshmen Small Group the next week from freshman sister’s invitation, and I later got Girl A as my prayer partner. We really connected and last week I followed up. Girl A agreed excitedly to study the bible with me over lunch and invite Girl B with her to do it. NOW I HAVE A SISTER as a partner as well as someone to disciple in this process. JESUS. We freaked out for like 30 minutes in the car. I gripped the wheel and just kept saying “Jesus” over and over and freshman sister just encouraged me to focus on the road. We had a huge hug once I dropped her off, and once I parked the car and was about to return the keys to the owner, I just started crying because it was just so beautiful how much God loves Girl A to surround her with love and pursuing her like this. So excited. I just feel so incredibly honored to be a part of God’s detailed pursuit of Girl A.
He is a puzzle-maker and I occasionally get to enjoy the completed puzzle. What intricacy.
3) My own friends
I still can’t believe this. My first friend at Tufts and I discovered during orientation that we were basically the same person: Asian, pre-med, Hill residents, and Christian! We made friends with two girls and I’ve been praying for them ever since orientation basically. Never really had any spiritual conversations with either of them. Both of them know I’m Christian and one has noticed that I have a peace about me that she doesn’t understand. With the other, my first friend and I have constantly had weekly meals with even though I couldn’t really ever go last year. Consistency. Prayers work even when you don’t reap the benefits. God is at work!
Basically today at our weekly dinner that we have with one of these friends, God showed up (well He always shows up because wherever we show up He is hahaha). She was telling us about how she was doing and I don’t wanna betray the details publicly, but basically after a series of events that she herself said worked out weirdly perfectly, she is seeking faith. Has been going to church without us knowing. She’s agnostic and feels deep inside that there must be a bigger purpose and meaning to life. THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. For my first Tufts friend and I at least. We never talk about anything deeply personal ever with her. Ever. God has been pursuing her since the start. It’s beautiful. I couldn’t contain it so I teared up and laughed right there at the table even though she had no idea why I was but one day she will know when she’s my sister in Christ. It’s in her heart. She just needs to realize who she is! Before I can register what is happening, I’m sharing my testimony and saying how I don’t wake up in the morning saying “let’s do Christianity” but “Good morning, Jesus, I’m happy to be alive”. How I have discovered who I am in Christ. How this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and it’s life-changing and transforming. My first friend shared her testimony as well and we just got to talk for like an hour about Jesus!!!!! It was AMAZING. So much happened but I can’t share it all. I told her about how she needs to make room for God to work, give Him a chance by giving up control of something. I got to share the story above in #2 to explain how I know God is real because I couldn’t make that stuff up. She noticed herself how things worked out with impeccable timing and how even though it was a hard time, she seemed to have an epiphany that God might exist. She has great perspective on where she is in this journey and I am SO EXCITED. She realizes the immensity of it all, how it would change everything she understands about life. First friend if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I’m so blessed to have shared this moment with you and I am so thankful for everything you said and shared. You affirmed her so well and I am still shocked.
ALL THIS IN JUST THE PAST TWO DAYS. I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO TELL YOU GUYS ON MY BLOG ABOUT EVERYTHING GOD IS DOING IN MY LIFE. Rather, how much He’s showing me He’s doing. It’s so overwhelming. I have been asking God lately how I’m supposed to handle all this glory because it’s only mid-October and all this is happening. I can’t imagine what it will be like at the end of the year! I was so overwhelmed with it all that I passed out in the glory aka rested in the Lord during the Bible study portion of my small group tonight. It was too much. It’s not a nap… it’s like a trance if you will because I could hear everything that was going on but wasn’t there at the same time. I feel better now and this was a long post but I hope you have felt encouraged. I was also thinking about how if I knew about God’s intricate plans all over the world at this level I would never be able to stand under the weight of that glory. I’d just be on the ground all day.
Someone asked me this past weekend what made me feel most alive. I gave the Sunday school answer: Jesus. But I explained how no one else can love me the way He does, make me feel the way He does. He’s my every breath, my every heart beat, my joy, my salvation, my LIFE. I wouldn’t want to live a day without Him. I couldn’t live without Him now that I know His love and get to know it more deeply every day. This is life. Jesus Himself. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me. There is a lot of power and abundant life inside of me. I feel so blessed to be able to see all this fruit of my faithfulness lately, so everyone, TRUST GOD. He knows what to do with you when you just make yourself available to be used. It makes you feel alive and humbled that the God of the Universe is at work in your life.
