No Turning Back

Oh how I wish that life was easier. How I wish I could have more than one week of joyful bliss, of having carefree days of productive schoolwork and life-giving relationships and restful sleeps that are all an outflow of blessings from an intimate relationship with God.

It’s possible! but oh it’s not easy.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. -Matthew 7:13-14

This verse has made more and more sense to me as I walk with Him. I’ve realized lately how tired I am of the constant struggles. As soon as something ends, it feels like yet another thing pops up. It’s frustrating and tiring. Especially since I’m re-reading The Final Quest (a powerful vision of what what faith+hope+love in heaven is really like) I’ve been longing for heaven so much. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m maturing spiritually and/or that I’m a Tufts student exposed to the “I’m going to change the world” motto all the time, but I’ve finally realized what it means that we live in a broken world. I never thought I’d ever feel a hopelessness in humanity, but I guess things change. I did have that feeling for a night after seeing “Miss Representation” and thinking again about how these views of women influence what is happening in the horrid force of sex trafficking. That’s for another post.

I’ve become increasingly aware that I don’t belong in this world. I’m tired of this world already, and I’m only twenty. This isn’t how I feel all the time, but it’s been happening more frequently. I worry about myself sometimes when I think like this…I have so much more to experience and I already feel like this?

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. -John 15:19

I don’t usually share stuff like this on my blog or with anyone for that matter because I feel like no one really gets this sentiment. Except now I feel encouraged to share it after I had a conversation with a sister and we couldn’t agree more with each other.

I get tired of the seemingly pointless tasks of homework and emailing and blah blah sometimes. I just wanna stop and be like Mary, just sit at Jesus’s feet and get to know Him better. Last week I found myself DESPERATE to just stop and sit with Him. However, God reminded me yet again that there’s a purpose in everything I do now, whether I can see it or not. He can see the longings of my heart and wants to satisfy them. So even as I do the ‘seemingly pointless’ tasks, He reminds me of His presence. He reminds me that His presence that never leaves me is truly where I belong, but I have to wait to fully enjoy my reward in Heaven of just basking in His glory for all of eternity. DUDE. Isn’t that crazy? That we get to just worship the God who deserves all the glory for ALL of eternity!? FOREVER. That by the time we get there, we would have already accomplished our duty as God’s light to the world and we get to just get to know Him for all of eternity. I can’t even imagine what it’ll really be like even after reading The Final Quest series, but just knowing those two things gets me so excited.

I know that my time on this earth is like a blip on the screen, but I just wanna be a doctor already. I know patience is key, that God has a LOT to teach me before I get there because I forget a lot, and there are things I have to do here at Tufts now. I CAN’T WAIT to see what those things are. However, it just gets so difficult at times to follow.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24

The funny thing is everyone’s cross is SO LIGHT. Yet we struggle this hard. Imagine what it’d be like without Him giving us the lightest burden. The people out there who try to figure out their uncertain futures without having the truth that it’ll be okay in God’s hands, I commend you because I would be having mental breakdowns if I didn’t have God. I wonder where I would be today without Him. I think I would be anxiety-filled, consumed by thoughts about my future, depressed, guilt-ridden, hurting, and every bad thing. I’d be weaker than I am now. But I know who lives on the inside. I still have trouble receiving how “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:16

Some of the things I think surprise me. My mom always reminds me that she thinks there are a handful of college kids who think about the things I am concerned about. Concerns: that I won’t be faithful with the few things I’ve been given, that I’m missing too many opportunities without regret, that I’ll forget to ask God what He thinks and act rashly, that I’m not doing the things He wants me to do during my limited time at Tufts, that I’m not blessing others with the blessings I’ve received. I forget that some of the things I do don’t go unnoticed. I know that I only need do to these things for God’s eyes, but I STILL want glory from people. I know it’s wrong, but hey, I’m human. I don’t like it when I feel things or listen to things I know are lies because God says otherwise. Stupid Satan.

Having said all this, I hold on knowing that this journey is worth every tear, every struggle, every heartbreak. This life is going to be filled with frustrations as I face a broken world and begin to share a small sliver with God’s broken heart as He looks upon the world, wishing that His children would just stop for a moment, receive His reckless love, and bring Him glory by being His hands and feet. I wouldn’t have it any other way. How can I live for anything or anyone but God?

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

I feel like this post doesn’t fully make sense or accurately express how my heart feels. That’s why I am so comforted that God knows my heart better than I do so I don’t have to explain myself to Him all the time. Okay this passage really says how I feel:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. -Romans 8:18-27

So there’s no turning back. I have no idea what God has ahead of me, but I try my best to live in this moment. To live according to His will because I know that’s where I will find more of His goodness. That His love is all I will ever need, and it overwhelms me all the time. It goes ON and ON and ON and ON. It never fails. It never gives up. It never runs out on me.

For we live by faith, not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

I restrain myself to only leave you with two of the songs from the recently released Passion 2012 album “White Flag” that I’ve been listening to non-stop. Highlighted are some of the lyrics that have really spoken to me.

Lay me down, lay me down
Hand on my heart, this much is true
There’s no life apart from You

It will be my joy to say
Your will, Your way

This is my heart cry
Though none go with me
The cross before me
The world behind me
I will follow You
No turning back

Walk the Walk

I’ve been dying to post about all the things God has been teaching me this past crazy week of academics. I flirted with the idea of having to make my posts shorter just so I can share more about what God is doing in my daily walk. Because it’s not really about these epic events that happen in my life that seem to really matter the most, it’s realizing how INVOLVED I am in this relationship with my Best Friend. Just one of the funny thoughts I had this week: “Dang it, if I talk to God this much throughout the day without even needing to say a word out loud and He’s like the best thing that will ever happen to me, where the heck is my husband gonna ever fit in this picture? hahahha”

I don’t even know how to start.

How about how I realized this picture I put in my last post…

said so much more than I realized. I was reflecting further on the idea of going ‘full circle’, of another series of tests of my faith, and of James 1:6 “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind”. I also remembered this song, called “Running in Circles.” As it played, I would just sing this from my heart, because it was so true.

I’m so forgetful, but You always remind me

You’re the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come

To tell you I love you

To tell you I need you

To tell you there’s no better place for me than in your arms

To tell you I’m sorry

For running in circles

For placing my focus on the waves, not on your face

You’re the only one who brings me peace

In the storm

Sing beautiful song. Look at photo. Think about James 1:16. Hmm, God seems to be telling me something. Or rather, He’s right up in my face trying to get the message to me yet again, in a loving way of course.

Just in case you aren’t getting the lesson, He’s just so faithful, stop DOUBTING. When you face the waves, it seems that your true faith shows. Just like the storm story in Matthew 8, “He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” I’m the one with little faith but thank goodness I just need a mustard seed-sized faith. When you think you’re in trouble, when you think you’ve dug yourself a hole, when you don’t know how the heck you’re gonna last the week, what’s your fallback? Is it to stress? Is it to doubt? Well, both of those responses indicate that you need to really think more about your faith and what grace is really about. You’re stressing? Well, stress is stupid when you have the Prince of Peace as your Best Friend. If you know that God has a plan and purpose for you, then doesn’t it make sense that these exams coming up (no matter how well or poorly they go on the world’s standards) will somehow be okay because God will get you there? There’s a reason for everything. No accidents.

Yes, I understand that it always seems like you could have done more. There are a lot of factors to consider. You face this situation and feel ashamed that you let it get to this place of desperation. You know what? It’s the past, just use the time you’ve got! Learn from your lesson and move forward. I had an exam on Tuesday night that required a large amount of readings and we were allowed to bring in a notecard with outlines for the four essay prompts she gave us, from which we would choose two. As appealing as staying up all night seemed, I had been working on these readings since Saturday night and knew that SLEEP was the wisest decision. If I’ve learned anything these past three years, it’s sleep wins. Yup, by late Tuesday morning, I believed God had more than enough grace for me. Come lunchtime, I start to worry that I won’t do well, that I should just stop trying. Should I skip class so that I can study more? ahhhhh

God reminds me that He’s with me. Isn’t that enough? I go to class.

So you know that HUGE grace from last week when my professor said to take the quiz I didn’t feel prepared for and if I didn’t do well, I could just have a retake or a drop? I got my quiz back…I had to do a triple-take because I didn’t believe that I got a 96. The front of my blue book said ‘was ill’ so I thought maybe they didn’t wanna bother giving me a retake, so they just gave me pity points. I just sat in shock at God. He was like “I mean, what else do you expect, Anisha?” Then it became undeniable when the professor came up to me during the break and said, “Well, you did perfectly fine! ” I was so amazed at how much I don’t deserve God’s grace, how I definitely find it hard to receive such tremendous love, but okay God. PRAISE THE LORD.

So the worry about all the rest of the assignments/midterms for the week disappeared in a breath. I went to the exam on Tuesday night needing probably another 15 hours to study, and found it to be not so bad. And oh hey! God gave me another grace, would you lookie there. I don’t have to write two essays, just one! okay, God, I have no idea what to do with you.

I go to gospel choir recitation on Wednesday, and I get hit again with just how amazing and GOOD this God I love is. I can’t stop listening to the music all week, because it speaks some truths for me during this week of potential doubt, stress, and forgetfulness about what God is doing in me. “Can’t nobody love me bettah, make me happy, make me feel this way.”

It’s true! No one can do what He can. Jesus is really the man. As I listened to these songs and continued to just be aware of Him beside me and inside my heart, I could fear nothing. Perfect love casts out fear, right? As I studied, I could just feel Him with me, and once it almost felt like once I stopped and just welcomed His presence, He just walked right into my room.

Here are some powerful lyrics. Sorry no youtube links because the versions/songs that really touched me are written by my choir director

Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. My constant friend is He. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free, I’m so free. For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. God is in control of me. He has loosed my shackles and He set me free. Free so I can call His name. Free so I can praise His name. Free so I can thank the Lord for blessing me.

Day after day and night after night, You show the way, shining Your light. You never change. You are still the same. I call on Your name. Jesus, You are the man. No one loves me like You can. I’ll praise you always, I’ll love you always. I’ll serve you always. I’ll trust you always.

Anytime you want Me, anytime you need Me all you have to do is call. If you have some problems, need someone to solve them, all you have to do is call. I am faithful to my promises. My word I will perform. So you see no matter what may be, there’s no cause for alarm. My gifts I give unto you unlimited and free. If you only call on me. I am Jehovah Rophecha. I am the Lord that healeth thee. I am Jireh, provider. You can put your faith in Me. I am Jesus, almighty God. Prove Me now and see you need only call Me.

There’s no separate study time. God time. Eating time. He never leaves you. So walk step by step with Him. It is something really beautiful. Something unlike anything I’ve ever known. Try it! These lyrics really say it all. Just call on Him, and He’s gonna provide. I’ve experienced it so many times firsthand, I still can’t believe I forget.

I needed another 20 hours to study for my exam on Thursday, but I asked for multiplied wisdom because I knew God could. I ended up guessing a lot on the exam so I don’t feel like the multiplied wisdom thing worked as well as I would’ve liked, but God’s peace was filling my heart. In my earthly eyes, this week of exams went so poorly and I have absolutely no idea how I did. I have no idea what to expect. In my spiritual eyes, I drew closer to God this week, and I was reminded how God’s grace is over my grades whether they end up a surprising 96 or not so close to that. My worth isn’t in my grades. I have recognized how He walks so faithfully by me, and how He is all I will ever need no matter the situation. This past week I found a deeper walk with Jesus, and THAT made it not so horrible but…beautiful.

Now I had some other assignments/exams throughout the week, and His grace was over all of that too. I finished everything on time and got through it all, only because I took it one step at a time.

You know what. I thought this was a full circle, but I can tell I’ve changed. So it’s not like I’m going back to the starting point.  As a pastor told me last Sunday before the week started, God is taking me on a journey of upward cycles, closer and closer to Him.

I don’t about tomorrow. I just live from day to day. Don’t borrow from its sunshine for its skies may turn to grey. Don’t worry o’er the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today I walk beside Him for He knows what is ahead. Many things about tomorrow that I don’t seem to understand. But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand. He holds my hand.

(you should really come to the Third Day Gospel Choir concert on April 14th to hear these songs)

GOD IS GOOD.

Full Circle

Why is this happening again? I WON’T LET IT!

I’ve been wanting to update ya’ll since my last update when I basically told you I was depressed.

Well the day after that post (a Thursday), I went to mental health counseling. I got a good doctor who asked me about the role of my faith in all of it, so that was helpful. She gave me two steps until our follow-up appointment on Tuesday: stop withdrawing from people and exercise. On that long weekend, I did exactly that. I’m introverted, but that Friday night of forcing myself to hang out with people was very different from my normal introvertedness. It was completely exhausting to be with people, even though they all mostly knew how I was. I knew that the minute I got back to my room that night, I would just cry from exhaustion. I was right.

A friend told me she was going to the Tufts Medical School tour and info session that Saturday, and it was a testament to God’s perfect timing. As I hadn’t done ANY homework for two weeks straight, I needed motivation…to re-focus on why being in school now is not useless. Usually med school panels and any pre-meddy stuff through health advising are incredibly intimidating and make me feel like I have a 0.000001% of actually making it to med school. This though, was fun, encouraging, and exciting. The students definitely did not undermine how they’ve never worked this hard in their lives, having to memorize 5-inch stacks of information bi-weekly. However, I could tell they were loving it. They said if you really want this, you’ll get it. Whether it takes a few tries to get into med school, that’s okay. It happens. Just seeing their excitement to learn got me so pumped to go to medical school. I wish I could just be there already, learning the stuff I really want to learn. It got me excited for the future, to be a medical missionary in India, and that is just what I needed.

On Monday, my conviction to make James 1:27 happened: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” I wrote about it after Passion here. So just like Matthew 25:35 says, we went to serve the homeless whether it be their physical needs (giving them sandwiches), spiritual needs (praying for them), or emotional needs (just having a conversation, making them feel noticed). One man who had muscular dystrophy really touched me by his honesty and faith. His name is Charlie, and I think about him. I miss him. When my friend (here’s her post here about the experience) and I talked to him on that street in downtown Boston, it was like time stopped. Like what happens in the movies…it was like I was aware of people staring but I didn’t care. All that mattered was Charlie. I guess that’s how Jesus sees us. He asked us whether we believed in Jesus…”Yeah! We like Him, He’s a pretty cool guy.” From there, he told us in his slow, slurred speech about his longing for heaven where there will be no more sickness, no more pain. He said it could be a lot worse, and it just reminded me of a few times in this past year when I just longed so much for heaven. To just leave the brokenness of this world, the awfulness of sex trafficking, but I have a duty to be a light to the world. There’s much to be done here first.

Tuesday rolled around, and I suddenly realized, “hey, I’m not depressed anymore!” To make sure, I went to my follow-up appointment and my counselor seemed surprised how quickly God had pulled me out of depression. It was funny, when I got there she said somberly, “How are you?” and I was like “I’m doing great!!!!” Caught her off guard, haha. A combination of being with people, resting, exercising, and asking God for help got me out. I think once two sisters reminded me that depression is not what God wants but rather a foothold for Satan, I fought hard. I didn’t want to remain there, I wanted to have the joy and hope that Jesus wants for me.

After fighting the depression, I realized that there was a lot more fight ahead of me. Two weeks of absolutely zero homework can get you a bit behind in college. So now this is the second week of a season of testing, of encountering God’s grace again.

• Have a paper in an upper-level Child Development class due Tuesday? After telling her what’s happening, she tells me to get it done sooner than later but no deadline. Grace.
• Have a quiz that you’re not prepared for because you haven’t been reading? A sister gives you all your notes and you do fine. Grace.
• Don’t need to inform 2 professors what’s going on because I’m able to manage keeping up and doing well. Gives me time to do some Love146 responsibilities. Grace.
• Somehow with my TCF responsibilities, I felt like I hadn’t done anything during my 2-week depression, giving me space. Then right when I come out, a healthy amount is back on my plate. The timing was impeccable. Grace.
• Realizing that I’ve become a honorary sophomore this year…they have loved me more than I can imagine. Grace.
• On top of that, my 2013ers are huge blessings. I could have never imagined having this community coming into college. Grace.

Now despite these graces, I realized how worried and doubtful I was that God wasn’t going to come through. The sermon this week was on the vice of wrath, and I realized that I have some anger to contend with. Godly anger though is an expression of love. So my anger towards sex traffickers and Satan seems just, but for myself, I felt like it was my fault that I got into this hole academically again, I was blaming myself and thinking that I didn’t deserve God’s grace in all of this. Hello Anisha, isn’t the point of grace that you don’t deserve it?

On Monday, I realize that I probably packed in too much during the weekend and am not prepared for my quiz on Tuesday. Have the most up-and-down day yesterday, with one of those ups being that my professor tells me to go ahead and take the quiz, but if it goes poorly I’ll have a retake or a drop on the quiz to relieve the pressure. GRACE.

After that last instance I realized this struggle felt familiar. I thought that everything that happened with academic probation was over. That it’s past and there’s no more to contend with. I was wrong…the feelings of a wavering faith in God coming through with all of this have been uncomfortably present lately. I look at the “removal from academic probation” letter taped to my closet door for inspiration, but I noticed that the paper is a bit crumpled. Maybe that’s symbolic of my need to iron some things out with that struggle. I feel like it’s my fault again, but how can I blame myself for taking the issue of sex trafficking really hard? I’m being harsh on myself, not allowing myself time to recover emotionally and academically. I’m afraid that academic failure is going to happen again. I’m really afraid.

I really need to…

Then I came across James 1:6> But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Then a friend named it, God’s testing you to see if you’ve learned your lesson. It’s coming full circle. And you know what, I feel different and I KNOW that I won’t let this happen again. How could I forget for a moment God’s faithfulness through all of that academic struggle? Didn’t I write in a post that no one will ever be able to tell me God is not faithful? I guess I didn’t realize I might convince myself that this lie was true.

I’m not gonna lie, my life lately is tiring. I really just wish that I would have more than 2 weeks of bliss. It seems as soon as things are going well, something comes up. I’m tired of struggling, and because of the number of struggles I’ve had, I’ve become more in tune with the spiritual war happening inside of me. Now I can physically feel the lies fighting the truth inside of me. And Satan is dumb. He’s trying really hard to get me down; yesterday while going to small group, I realized that before I could snap my fingers, I suddenly felt achy and feverish. So now I think I have the flu. I know though that Jesus is healer, and this sickness is not to remain, so I’m fighting.

So last night while I layered on the clothes since I had the chills, I wished that it would just all stop. Since James 1:6 really convicted me earlier that day, I decided to read the book of James. It’s only 5 chapters, but it was like God was hand-picking some of those words to speak to me. It was mind-blowing how perfect it was. I won’t post the whole book here, but here’s some verses that hit home.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. [dude! that was in the sermon yesterday!]

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. [not forgetting sexually trafficked children?]

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. [serving the homeless?]

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up.

I must persevere through this until it comes full circle. He’s going to help me heal more from the pain I still have from academic probation.  After my afternoon class today, I had a 2-hour block to do some homework but I had the chills again and ended up falling asleep. God woke me up 12 minutes before my 6:30 class. Grace. I knew God was just gonna make time appear and give me more graces.

Checked my email and my 4-year-old special friend who I play with for 2 hours every Wednesday morning just happens to have a dentist appointment tomorrow. So now I have that time back. This grace this is just getting ridiculous now.

So I have to somehow contend with the current academic schedule and catching-up, but I have peace again. It’s just gonna work out, and I don’t have to abandon living by Matthew 6:34 (“Do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of its own.”) I have been living by that verse since I dropped chem last semester, and life has been so much better. With all the stuff I need to get done, I got stressed thinking about having to plan like this again. I didn’t know how to handle planning again, but God has reminded me that I don’t have to. It’s a daily walk, and it’ll all get done eventually.

Lesson: God is really good, and it keeps blowing my mind. “I have no good apart from You.”

Unwritten

I’ve been looking forward to writing this post for a few months now. Since God told me what to write it about, I’ve been patiently waiting this moment…when I would post my…

100th POST!!!! WOOOOOOO

So we’re going to take a quick break from what’s going on in my life to take a moment to celebrate who and what this blog is about!

Wow, God is so good. He has worked through this in such amazing ways. As I shared in my 1-year anniversary post, I started this blog without really knowing what exactly blogging meant or what was going to happen to it. I wrote for many selfish reasons and was oblivious to the ways God was using it. It was all about me before, wanting everyone to read it so that I’d have better stats. Ha. I was fooling myself. It’s not about me at all, it’s all about Him.

Now, I don’t care whether 1 person clicks it or 100, I can never know what my story can mean to that person who clicked it. I used to question the value of a story…if you learn anything from this post, DON’T DOUBT IT.

Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely not easy to be vulnerable with others. Heck, it’s hard to do that with yourself. However, I don’t think I can tell you how much of a blessing it is. I don’t think I will ever get used to people randomly telling me how blessed they were to just happen upon my blog link. These stories are not about how Anisha is awesome or how Anisha figured things out, it’s about how a broken follower of Jesus tries her bestest to see the Love all around.

Now, I hope that this post will be able to encourage you to tell someone your story. Any story. It doesn’t have to be so public (yet), maybe it’s just your friend or mom or whoever. Don’t EVER underestimate the power of a story. When it comes to telling stories about Jesus, how can someone tell you that your story’s not true? “No, Anisha, I don’t think God brought you through that and proved His faithfulness to you.” Doesn’t make sense right? How do you know if someone can relate to your story? How do you know how it might have a tremendous effect on them, give them courage? Give them hope?

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people to who will also be qualified to teach others. -2 Timothy 2:2.

So teach from your own experiences. Maybe start with one person. Then see where God takes you. When I first created this blog, do you think I expected to post ALL about the most humbling experience of my life for the WHOLE WORLD to read? That as of this second, 551 people know that I was on academic probation from “No More Hiding.” After this post, maybe that number will increase, and hey, maybe it’s technically smaller or larger depending on repeat links/ people who just saw it on my home page/ etc. Whatever, the point is, I do NOT know 551 people. Like, really know, you know? Yes, I intentionally shared that link as much as possible, but dang. A girl found my link on Relevant and wrote this: “I’ve never met you before, but I hope that you will allow me to forward your post to friends. This is an amazing testimony that needs to be heard, and God’s redemption and grace just exudes through your words. May God continue to bless you to bear that fruit, and let it remain! All hail King Jesus!” I could have shared about the pain later after I got removed and it was pretty, wrapped-up testimony, but there’s a power in the vulnerability of the moment.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So I can tell you more about how blessed I feel to now say that I have publicly shared 100 stories of God’s goodness and grace, but it won’t compare to when you do it yourself. Recently, a sister shared a super vulnerable story, and before that, I tried my best to tell her not to worry because God was gonna blow her mind. God was going to bless her faithfulness in sharing, and she was gonna feel so free, so joyous, so blessed. There would be healing. There would be people who randomly email her who related and felt empowered from her story that God was writing. I knew though she couldn’t quite understand until she felt it for herself.

God has a funny way of using your faithfulness. Don’t make any more excuses. “I have a boring testimony.” “I’ve grown up in church my whole life, nothing exciting.” That’s just lies, ok? I say that lovingly. Grew up in church? Do you know how blessed you are? How many people wish that they weren’t lost in drugs or down in the deepest valley when Jesus had to sweep down and rescue them? You should be grateful…look back and see God’s goodness. It’s impossible that you don’t have a story. No story is boring when it involves King Jesus. Every time someone trusts and puts their faith in God, makes themselves vulnerable and surrendering their hurt, confusion, and everything in their lives to the One who gave it all…that’s nothing short of a miracle. So tell that story. “You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” -Psalm 77:14

If you’ve ever experienced His love, whether it was seeing His creativity in nature or hearing God through a friend’s words or through music or whatever it is, then you have a story to tell. No way to escape it.

Lately, it was mind-blowing that I was given chances to encourage people to share through my own experiences of sharing. Didn’t see that coming, and here I am, doing it again. Pray for God to give you strength if it seems scary. Maybe you’ll start small, but just be ready for where God takes you. I love laughing with God when I publish a post that I hope falls into oblivion, but God manages to make it a popular post. Then the ones I hope people will read get like 2 clicks. Just be careful of creating expectations. Whenever I doubted whether this blog was worth it, God would always bring one person to remind me that somehow God was being glorified through these stories. Now, I post expecting no encouragement, no praise, whether I get 550 hits or 1, I trust that God will lead the right people to them. And one person is more than enough, and if no one clicks it, great. I stayed faithful, and I was able to write about just another good thing God did for me. He’s taught me so much about His goodness through the act of sharing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

If you’re a Tufts student reading this, you have until 2/29 to send in a testimony to the second edition of The Book of Testimonies, a vision God gave to one of my dearest brothers. This is the perfect chance, so take it. If you have questions, let me know, and I can direct you to the right people.

I knew that when I heard “Unwritten” at the human trafficking film forum, it was going on this post. Just as that song is PERFECT when you think about how it can encourage those women who have escaped the trap of modern day slavery, it can encourage you too. There’s a blank page before you, and only you can write the words. It might be scary, but it’ll be freeing. Only you can feel the rain. Tell a friend, a parent, a stranger, a church, a fellowship. So go ahead and try, and I know God is so excited for what’s about to happen for you. He must have been so excited for me. He’s a great Daddy, isn’t He?

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21

Mourning

My last post was really depressing…sorry. It’s still kinda how I feel, but I wanted to update ya’ll on how I am.

Well, still very confused.

I don’t know what’s going on inside now, but it’s not as turbulent. It’s like peace is making its way into my heart, but I almost don’t want to feel better. I’m afraid I’m going to forget what this past week felt like. I don’t want God to heal all of the broken pieces; I want my heart to remain broken or I will not act. Then again, my desire is on the verge of what seems like wanting myself to suffer, and that’s no good either.

This is a very strange time for me. I usually book all my meals with people during the week, but I’ve found myself withdrawing more than my normal introverted self does. I’ve intentionally left meals for myself because I don’t like lying when people ask me how I’m doing. I don’t like dumping all of my emotions on people when all they expect from a “how are you?” is a simple “good” not this complicated mess inside of me. And even if I do tell them, it seems to not do my feelings justice. I can tell how there’s not an everlasting joy beneath my smiles and laughter lately. It’s like I’m hiding behind those smiles, and I want joy back. Then again, it seems like it would feel like a guilty joy.

“Assuming that these people in highly negative situations don’t experience joy at all is a highly arrogant way to look at the world.”

That was one helpful thing a sister told me last night. It’ll stick with me. Then again, the negativity of their situation seems to outweigh the little joys they have. I want them to have the fullness of life and joy, and I almost don’t want to experience it myself until modern day slavery ends. I want these kids to have the childhood they deserve, of innocence, joy, family, worth, love.

The people I’ve told seem to say the same things to me about how this must be really hard, that it’s a blessing to have His heart, that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, etc. This stuff just needs to go from my mind to my heart. My mom told me today: “You’re really different.” She wouldn’t completely explain to me what she meant, but it had something to do with how I’m struggling with weird things in college…

So I’m worrying myself. I realize that I’m mourning this issue. Just googled the steps…

1) Denial and Isolation: Before the human trafficking films, I knew about the issue. However, it was just another issue in the world to know about. Something that I cared enough to read about other people doing inspirational things, but not high enough on my radar to care about making my own impact. That obviously changed.

2) Anger: yes. During the films, I had moments of extreme rage when I just wanted to punch something really hard. Why is this happening? Why are the systems so messed up?

3) Bargaining: “The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control.” Yup. That was me the past week. I expected myself to just get over it quickly and return to normal. I’ve got things to do, so God needed to make whatever’s happening better or something during retreat. I wasn’t really giving myself time. “This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.” I wanted the pain to go away somehow, because going this deeply into God’s heart was unbearable.

4) Depression: I remember waking up Monday morning thinking: “Why do I feel so depressed?” That’s in such contrast to some days in the fall semester when I woke up telling God “good morning!” and cheerfully starting my day. After waking up like that, I actually started to consider seeking some outside help, aka mental health services. Although there’s a stigma surrounding it, I need something. The people who know what’s going on are trying their best with their words and prayers, and I immensely appreciate it. I am not abandoning my quest with God to sort my insides out. I just need a supplement, and it can’t hurt…right? I hope so. It’s their profession, and especially since I’m taking pediatric psychology, I highly respect the field and how it can help.

5) Acceptance: I don’t really know how I feel about this stage. I don’t want to accept it as hopeless…I want to never forget that it’s real but remain forever hopeful because of Jesus. “This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm.” Wait, so maybe I’m almost there? I don’t think I’m there yet though because depression is marked by odd eating/sleeping habits (which is true for me now), withdrawal, and inability to focus on things you enjoyed before. There’s a longer list I found via Google, and like all the signs apply right now. I haven’t been able to bring myself to really sit down and do homework for like a week. The funny thing is that I had on my list of potential blog posts to write about “Life today: happier, exciting classes, exercising regularly, balanced life, and engaging the world.” I guess things change quickly. To be honest, that’s one of the main reasons I am going tomorrow to get help because this cannot continue or I’m going to be in academic struggles again soon, which will not honor what God has brought me through. So acceptance…not sure what that’ll feel like.

I don’t know what you’re thinking now or what you think I need. I don’t have any idea what to do except pray and seek help. This is something that I feel like God is the only One who can help me, and I do hope God will speak through the people who surround me. I don’t know what will help, and I’ve never experienced something like this. So it’s a bit intimidating to go forward, but I must because I can’t afford to lose more time over this if it’s something serious. It’s not helping anyone to think about it more, and I’m not being faithful with the resources I’ve been given as a student.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

Amen. I need rest.

Maybe I sound really harsh on myself. Maybe I sound hopeless. I don’t think that’s how I feel…I think I’m just trying to cope properly so that I don’t get worse. I realize this is not something easy to digest, so it’ll take time. Some people have said God’s going to get glorified through this, but one sister said: “God is glorified by your heart’s condition right now and he will be glorified when whatever this feeling is manifests itself into whatever God wants it to. Just hold on.”

She sent this beautiful prayer as well:

“God, thank you so much for Anisha. Thank you for giving her the grace, strength, and humility to have eyes to see what you see and a heart to feel what you feel Lord. I ask that you would protect Anisha’s heart, mind and soul and chase anything away that is not from you lord. I ask that though it is hard to digest the realities of this world that you would give Anisha peace of mind, though without acceptance. I ask that you would bless her in this time and bless her work with school. I ask that she would continue to be glad to do her readings and learn more about child development. I ask that you would be faithful to carrying her through the rest of this year and her undergraduate career. I ask that she would continually be filled with you and glorify you. And that others would know that she is the result of your goodness. Allow everyone around her to know that you exist because they can see you through her, Lord. In your holy name I pray. AMEN.”

Oh wow, AMEN indeedy. Sister, thank you. Just another blessing that I have people who surround and love me. Thank you all.

Keep the kids in your heart, and send a prayer for them. That’s the only thing that helps me now, to pray for them. I am one who strongly believes in the power of prayer, yet just praying for them doesn’t seem enough lately.

A song another sister sent me as I wrote this. It’s absolutely perfect. “I know it seems like this could be the darkest day you’ve known…”

“Be still, and know that I am God” -Psalm 46:10

Numb

Words fail me.

Ironically, I shall try to use them to tell you what’s going on for me after retreat. It’s confusing and aching, but I need some kind of venue to vent and keep all of you updated.

It’s been a week now since I just wept for the children trapped in sex slavery right now. [last post explains more] I’ve gotten better kinda as the week progressed, and I was looking forward to retreat being restorative and restful. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. Emotionally because thinking about these trapped children all day is quite draining. Physically because it kinda kept me up late thinking about it. Spiritually because I’m fighting really hard to believe in the hope that is in Jesus.

Winter retreat was called “Whisper: To Change the World” so it was perfect, right? Well, I’m very much still processing so apologies for the incoherence of this post. This retreat was so different from normal retreats for me. Usually, by the end of retreat I know what I learned and feel great afterwards. People have been asking me how retreat was and I provide a lame lie of “good.” It was…I guess…painful? words fail me. I almost feel more confused than before.

Our speaker, Val, surprised me with her talks. The way she connected us to her own life through powerful stories and to the story of Joseph was powerful. However, the main message of reconciliation and forgiveness didn’t really hit me in the same way as for others. Instead, just like I did last semester, I struggle again to understand why God loves me so much, despite knowing that the answer last time was that it’s about God’s character, not mine.

Especially at retreats, I hear many stories of all the struggles people are enduring, and I know Jesus is their answer. However, what I don’t get is why God blesses me so much. I hear about so many things that I feel so helpless. How can I take back all the pain someone went through for the lack of love from a father, or pay for someone to go to school, or help them realize the power of God’s love? Yeah, I have some small problems with my dad, but I know he loves me more than I can understand and I have a mom who I consider my best friend. I gladly call her every day. Why has God blessed me with such a loving family? Why can I afford a Tufts education when so many people cannot? Why did God call me, my brother, and I so clearly a few years ago and lead us into a deep and loving relationship with Him?

It doesn’t seem fair. I don’t get it. Why does God love me so much? I say all this while receiving God’s love, giving God as much love as I can muster, but I just don’t get why I got so many blessings. I don’t mean to make you jealous or question my intentions of sharing this, I’m just trying to be honest. Val “blessed us to be blessings.” I don’t know if I’m doing that. Am I? I sometimes wish that I could not only share in someone’s burden, but just take it for myself.

Now these blessings overwhelm me to the point that I cannot stand it any longer when I think about children who are being raped right now, repeatedly. Getting their childhoods taken away by people who seem to have no ethical standards. I don’t understand. Why was I born in the U.S.? Why am I not one of those children who remembers nothing but horror and shame and worthlessness? Why do I deserve a childhood full of happy memories and an occasional sad one that does not compare?

This just sucks. At retreat, my usual “play outside and talk to tons of people and be absolutely exhausted by the end of retreat” was nowhere to be found. I took an uncharacteristic nap and prayed. I tried to shut out the horrors I couldn’t stop thinking about, and He then whispered to me that I needed to be humble through my testimony. It seems messed up, but I think I was getting proud of being on academic probation and getting out myself. I know God did it all, but somehow my heart lost its way to think I did it and I deserved the congratulations. I don’t even know what to do with that besides try to do my best with studies now, but that it’s a struggle right now to even focus.

If you know me, you should already know that I really love prayer. I love praying for people, and I truly mean it when I say that I’ll pray for you. I don’t just say that lightly. However, stepping down as a leader this retreat seemed to be just what I needed. I received more prayer in the past few days than I am usually comfortable with because I didn’t know what else to do. I thought I was doing better coping with this injustice, but it seems that whenever I start to talk about it, I can’t help but weep. Not just cry, weep. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this for an issue, but if you have, maybe share your story with me? How does Jesus get you through? I prayed that I would not believe the lie that this situation is hopeless because Jesus is righteous and the Hope to build on, but it’s like these truths haven’t fully expanded in my heart yet. I know He’s the answer, the Hope, the Salvation, and that He will come again to make all things right.

I went to the Saturday night session and just got amazed again by the grace that Jesus showed us on the cross. How could I not receive it when it is so immense and all up in my face? During extended worship, I managed to sing one song about His love. Then I was numb. I don’t even remember what songs were playing, but they were all about Love. I just sat, stunned and numb as to why God loves me so much. Why was I even sitting at a retreat center in that moment while so much suffering was happening? I tried to sing “How He Loves” but, I just couldn’t. I realized I was just numb. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t think. I tried to pray but I only got as far as “God…”

I uncharacteristically asked for more prayer from my staff who I’ve been so blessed by lately. She prayed a psalm for me since I told her that I didn’t even know what to say to God. The numbness went away as I found myself crying again. I heard God through her for sure. She told me that I was trying to hold the burdens of the world on my shoulders, and it was oppressing me. I know God in this past week has been answering my prayer “to go deeper into His heart”, but it’s too painful. Too intense. God’s heart is way too big, and even though I can feel my own heart expanding, I can’t handle it. But He only gives us what we can handle…I’m one to take burdens on myself and try to relay them to God, but it’s difficult. She told me “Your greatest gift is your heart and compassion. But it’s also your biggest downfall.” Yeah, I feel like I’m falling but barely holding on to Hope.

I shared with my small group, but it didn’t really feel like I could do my insides justice. My insides are turbulent, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. All of these feelings are so new. All of this makes my academic probation seem like a moment of incredibly small pain. I know it was real then, but this is achingly real. I was so completely drained after sharing, I basically didn’t talk to anyone and just headed straight to bed. I didn’t want to think, I just wanted it all to go away. I had the goal of getting to know some people this retreat, and Saturday night is usually a great opportunity to do so. However, the thought of trying to talk to someone seemed daunting, I just wanted to be alone to temporarily forget.

I wake up refreshed, seemingly better. I still think about it, but still numb. It’s numb…overwhelmed…numb…overwhelmed. I tried to shut it out during the day, tried to find joy. Right now as I write, I’m back to overwhelmed. A sister prayed for me tonight, and since then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about it and crying. This really sucks. She reiterated that God has a great plan for me, and that He shall use me for His glory through this. A broken heart leads to compassionate action. I know that in my head, God make it go to my heart, please.

I know that there’s more to this than just being sad about some faceless children that I keep thinking about. Maybe this is another whisper from God that I’m actually going to be a medical missionary treating and healing children who have dealt with the horror of sexual trafficking. (I hope it’s gone by then though) That sounds amazing, praise God. However, I also live strongly by Matthew 6:33-34 so HOW do I live TODAY knowing this is happening. I almost want to just drop everything and just go serve. But I know that’s unwise. God led me to this major of child development for a reason, and as my sister reminded me, I need to see my homework as a preparation for what’s to come. He’s building my knowledge about children so that I may serve them better in the future. Yet, I still can’t really stand it knowing I sit here reading about theories of children or whatever while real, living, breathing ones think they are worthless.

So I didn’t really think of this as a trial, but maybe it is. I’m really confused, but yet I know Jesus is the answer. I’m daunted, but I know God is greater. I just have a lot of truth to move to my heart, one piece at a time.

“This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand” <–exactly how I feel about God’s love

Pray not for me, pray for Jesus to continue being an ever-present hope to the children in this moment who are crying. That Jesus would catch their tears and give them hope. I fell in love with the song below when I first heard it. I’ve been listening to it thinking about the kids lately, but tonight, it gave me a little bit more hope. Never thought it would minister to me.

Ok, now the post is over and I’m numb again. Hopefully I can get something done. This might be one of those weeks where I have to try to live it hour by hour. I know He’s with me, but oh I pray that He would be with those who are trapped now.

Kids, hold on. I pray that Jesus would be your redemptive hope and grace. I pray that Jesus would be using others He raised up to be His hands and feet to you.

The Evil of Slavery

Warning: this is longer than normal posts and intense, but the issue deserves it. Please read if you feel uninformed.

Children are being repeatedly sexually exploited today…here in the US, everywhere. 27 million people are enslaved today. Slavery is not something of history, it is bigger than it has EVER been. African slaves were worth $40,000, today you can BUY SOMEONE for less than $300.

This past weekend COMPLETELY ROCKED ME. I’m one of those really blessed people who can sleep anywhere and fall asleep in like less than 2 minutes max. I couldn’t sleep well for 4 nights. I’ve had to force myself to stop sitting awake thinking and lay down around 3 or 4 am. I’ve preoccupied myself with blog posts to distract, but I eventually had to contend with the thoughts.

Friday night: I watched Saving Private Ryan. I now know that I do not handle war movies very well. So much blood, pain, trauma, horror, death. I watched Gladiator over winter break, but the goriness did not affect me as much as this did. The guns and tanks dehumanized the horror of war. I cannot begin to imagine what these soldiers dealt with. I never really thought about post-traumatic stress disorder before this movie…it makes absolutely perfect sense. I am traumatized on a small level from just watching a FILM. It was and is REAL LIFE for so many right now. The guys I watched it with were commenting on how cool the sniper guy was. He did have amazing accuracy, but that accuracy was to take life. To take precious, breathing souls. How can I not be tremendously affected by such a film? A film that challenged me to think about whether I had truly reached the potential of living each day to the fullest. Each morning we awake, we are given a new day to live. I do not appreciate that and I still have much to learn from Matthew 6:34.

Saturday night: Watched a film at the Bitahr Human Trafficking Film Forum called “Very Young Girls.” I have never experienced such intense emotions in my life. It made the pain of academic probation seem painfully small. I saw a desperate mother searching for her missing child who eventually got an anonymous call informing her of her daughter’s location. She proceeded to the police with the pimp’s address asking the police to go get her daughter. The police told her her request was invalid without proper warrant. That’s the nicest way I can put it…they basically told her there was nothing they could do. I got so angry I wanted to punch a wall and yell WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH THIS SYSTEM?! I surprised myself with my reaction because I don’t really curse, but I found myself lacking the language to express myself. I heard the personal accounts of how disgustingly evil sex slavery is…how the pimps psychologically manipulate the girls so much so that the girls LOVE their pimps and do not want to leave. How some of the girls live to maintain the feeling of worth by being loved by their pimp. I surprised myself with my strong guttural reaction to puke. A lot of other things made me want to puke, but I am going to have to try to keep this post from becoming a book.

Saturday night, back at Tufts: to distract myself from what was going on in my insides, I write a blog post at 2:25 am. I find that I am actually not tired because my insides have been churning, but I am so incredibly unfamiliar with these feelings I do not deal with them and sleep at 3:45.

Sunday morning: early to church. The message and worship songs are so incredibly perfect that I am greatly encouraged. It was Highrock’s 12th anniversary as a church and we celebrated with a message on what the “Holy Catholic Church” means. A Church that is set apart to be a light to the world. “God never commanded the world to go to church. He commanded the church to go to the world.” Therefore, “Come Church arise…Love with His hands | See with His eyes…Bind it around you, Let it never leave you, And they will know us by our love.” May You “Open our hearts to see the things that make Your heart cry. To be the church that You would desire.
Light to be seen [...] LET HOPE RISE AND DARKNESS TREMBLE in Your holy light, And every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised.”

Sunday afternoon: Saw “Call+Response” by Justin Dillon, which is crazily the guy on one of the panels at Passion who talked ‘about his film’ but I didn’t put the two and two together until Saturday *mind blown* It was a rockumentary that encouraged a response more so than focus on the horror, so it didn’t pain me as much since the facts were not completely new to me. That 27 million people are trapped in modern day slavery, with 79% of those being used for sexual exploitation. That young girls trapped in this evil system are at the average age of 12-13, while some even enter the system as young as THREE. They are repeatedly raped day after day after day. That this is a $32 billion industry [more than Nike, Starbucks, and Google combined]: after drug and arms trade, HUMAN trafficking is the 3rd largest economic force. This force is also  connected as well to the horrors of child soldiers in Africa, slavery is slavery. Oh look, the horrors of war for adult men in Saving Private Ryan seem even MORE horrendous if these are children we are talking about. We finished watching the film, and they told us that many people go from ignorance to complete grief and paralysis. At this point, I am paralyzed.

Sunday dinner: I realize I was in a different place on the inside, but I am appalled at dinner by the insignificant conversations that are occurring. Someone says ‘tramp stamp’ and I am paralyzed to say something about this language even though that was a simple step they gave us at the forum. Two friends jokingly talk about how children are not people. I know they were joking, but it was just incredibly bad timing. Maybe I think it’s not even a joking matter in any situation…they totally matter, so I had to leave the table once those jokes started because it was breaking my heart into another few pieces. A friend notices that I look like I’m in a daze, and I realize that I cannot handle human interaction.

Sunday, my room: I enter, expecting to just sit and focus on breathing. Instead, as soon as the door is closed I begin to weep, sob, heave. When I first heard about child sex slavery, of course I knew it was wrong so my heart broke in half maybe. As I learned more about the issue with Love146 at Tufts and at Passion Conferences, I knew I needed to make more of an effort to fight. The films provided stories to this issue. It became real. Faces that will forever be imprinted on my heart. Let’s say that the films took my two broken halves and hammered them into about a million pieces. My insides hurt like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. My insides burned with pain and hopelessness. I’ve never encountered the EVIL of Satan this powerfully before. I came to face with him through this evil force. For this $32 billion dollar industry to end, there must be a complete economic, social, cultural upheaval of society. We must be willing to pay more for everything we own so that these people of worth will be paid, not enslaved. There are very broken people enslaving people who are getting more and more broken every day. Who are getting lost in what they think is normal around them, think they aren’t worth it, that they deserve it somehow, that this was the purpose of their lives. I couldn’t stand it. The hours between 9:30 and 1:30 are a blur. I cried on and off for hours. My eyes swelled up. My heart ached like I’ve never felt before. I had no hope, what was I going to do? How will sustainable change happen?

I do not share this to say you’re a bad person if you haven’t ached for these people or known about this or whatever you might be thinking. This is simply the only venue I can think of to INFORM. Having so many thoughts that I cannot sleep has NEVER happened to me. I am HORRIFIED with the disgusting, immense evil in sex slavery today, but I MUST hold on to the HOPE THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS. Without Him, I am utterly doomed to be depressed, hopeless, and paralyzed.

Monday: I needed rest for my eyes the night before so I did not do my 100+ pages of reading for my 1:20 pm class. I snoozed all 4 alarms so I got up at 11:15 which gave me no time to get ready, eat lunch, and read all before class. I admitted defeat, checked my email, and SAW THAT MY CLASS GOT CANCELLED. Why does God love me so much and reward the hurt like that? No comprendo. *Mind blown* Still lost in thought all day and into the night, feeling a bit hopeful and feeling His love welling up on the inside of me…went to sleep at 4:30 am.

Tuesday: The hope was rising within me, but considering all of my classes are about children, it only took one sentence like “adolescents struggle with sexual…” and I went into a downward thought spiral. I feel like my whole outlook on life has changed. I wake up in the morning wondering how children wake up trying to block out the repeated rape that happened the night before. I go brush my teeth knowing many don’t have a toothbrush, rather they continue to make money for their pimp to get minimal amounts of food. I was feeling pretty depressed until I had a healthy conversation with my mom. I realized that Satan had been speaking lies to me, even using the Word against me just as he did when Jesus had been tempted by Satan in the desert. As soon as God helped me get through how incredibly scary it was that I had been listening to the wrong voice, which further explained the depressing, oppressive feel I had the past few days = the familiar peace + hope restored in my soul. He led me beside quiet waters, he restored my soul.

I realized all of this was because I have been praying a stupid prayer since Passion. [stupid prayer meaning like when you ask God to use you which gives Him free reign to challenge you like crazy] “God, take me deeper into your heart. May I surrender all to You, all for You. For your love has won, your love has come. Whatever it takes.” Welp, HE ANSWERED. He completely united my heart with His that cries for those women and children in sex slavery.

I’m talking to myself here as much as I am to you: Don’t remain paralyzed. Find the hope, clench onto it for DEAR LIFE, and FIGHT. My blog is “The Stand: to love and learn for the One who gave it all.” That is exactly what I must do. STAND and FIGHT for JUSTICE. For freedom. God’s heart aches for His beloved children, and I was blessed to experience the power of that pain of His heart. “Break my heart for what breaks yours”

Well, if you’re privileged to have internet access to read this post, attend a university like Tufts with me, and attend film forums like I did, then you should also walk over to Sophia Gordon on Thursday to hang out with Love146 Tufts Chapter from 7:30-9:30pm. We are celebrating something that I fully understand now: broken hearts. Come and learn more about how to join our fight to end child sex slavery and exploitation. [like us on Facebook: Love146 Tufts Chapter, follow on Twitter @Love146Tufts, read WordPress at http://love146tufts.wordpress.com/! tech-savvy ftw] I am so excited for this event, and so much more so because I’m fighting something that I can’t stop thinking about. I’m moving out of paralysis.

Now, this is an incredibly long post completely absent of many things I still wish to share, so continue to read as I share more posts. The thing is, I still have much to learn myself. For now, I must take advantage of this blank page to inform, to bless, to encourage, to inspire, to teach, to learn, to grow, to stand, to LOVE.

Anisha, DON’T LOSE HOPE. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.