I just feel like it’s important for me to say this. I don’t know why, but even though all I have is time at home, I find it harder to connect to God as much as I do at Tufts. Maybe it’s the change in people who surround me or the loss of constant business at school which further necessitates the rejuvenation I get from resting in His presence. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. I don’t talk to God constantly here. I talk about Him and think about Him, but I don’t really talk to Him much more than my daily prayers for others. It’s a strange thing that I realized was draining me somehow.
He invited me to just chill with Him so I decided to intentionally focus on Him and His presence. To just rest with Him and enjoy Him as He delights in me. So yesterday, I remembered this song.
Then I remembered why I love His presence so much. It’s because He can love me more in a moment than all the lovers could in a lifetime. I’ve listened to a lot of worship songs on youtube, but man, I don’t know if it’s possible to not sense the presence of the Lord through this song (and the youtube spiral you might go on after this like I did haha) and how Bethel Church just sits at His feet. I found myself just randomly crying while I was soaking these songs in because His presence just touched me so deeply. This love is SUPER deep and BEYOND our understanding. Stop putting God in a box! Every time I get a revelation of His love, it’s only a taste of the immensity of how deep, furious, passionate, unending, and reckless it really is. It’s just…everything.
We are meant to be loved. It’s a longing in your heart that you cannot deny. The only One who can fully satisfy that desire is God. That’s the good news isn’t it? “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39. It’s true! Nothing you do will ever be able to separate you from His love. Your failures, your weaknesses, your addictions, your doubts, your pride… He loves you through those things and just wants You to come to Him with that so His power may rest on you! “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9. His love sets you free. This truth sets you free. It’s not about striving to gain His attention or doing all the right things so He’ll love you. He can’t take His eyes off of you. He has loved and will always love you whether you realize it or not. So yes, we come to Him with lots of flaws and baggage, but His love will refine us. He loves you as you are, but He also has some changes to make in you. A never-ending, beautiful process as He grows you in His love.
Rich Mullins said this: “I think one of the hardest things in the Christian life is (and especially for people who have grown up in America) … [that] we’re very arrogant people. And I think it’s very hard to allow God to break us…When the Lord loves He chastens, and…if we’ll never be broken, we’ll never be saved. God doesn’t break us because He hates us or because He’s angry at us, but we have to be broken just like you have to break a horse [...] Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation.”
So just soak it in. Admit you need Him and Him alone. A loving Savior and Best Friend who knows you better than you know yourself. Sit with Him and see what happens. Be a laid-down lover.
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:13
What’s happening on my insides is hard to describe. It’s like when you eat something intensely scrumptious and so freakin’ amazing that there’s no amount of “MMMMM”s or “THIS IS SO GOOD” that will be able to properly express yourself or convince someone else that it’s truly that delicious. You just want them to try it for themselves.
That’s how I feel when I try to tell you about how humbled and thankful I am for God’s faithfulness to me. One year ago, I was just entering my summer of academic turmoil. I was taking genetics and general physiology in one summer session, having my faith tested so much that I would write “trust” or “faith” on my hand so that whenever I spiraled I could have that gentle reminder. After all that struggling, I found that I had to withdraw from one of those summer classes at the same time that I received an email that I had been put on academic probation 2.
I wanted to run away from God. He wasn’t holding up to His promises that things would change. Things were getting worse. I was telling God that I wanted to trust and have faith, but I was hitting a point when I needed to know what the heck was happening.
Fast forward one year.
I’m entering a summer when I’m marveled by God. I just had the most incredible year as a child development major. I loved what I studied, and I might even remember some stuff. I checked my grades and considering how much grace I needed this past semester, I was totally good with it. Then a week later I was just gonna take another look at those grades, and was FLOORED when I saw that I totally missed my academic status: DEAN’S LIST. WAT.
If you don’t want to read anymore, here’s my testimony in a song. It’s so beautiful. At least just listen to it. ah.
If this is your 100th post you’re reading of mine, you know my whole story and might even be sick of it. If this is your first post, here’s the full story in a post called “God is Faithful.” If you’re too lazy to read it (but if you’re not convinced God keeps His promises, maybe take 5 minutes hehe), basically I was really proud in my academics and God needed to humble me and my parents. A biology and pre-med hopeful has become a child-development major who’s holding off on completing pre-med requirements until after graduation. I’ve gone from just excusing my mistakes because I was a freshmen –> academic probation 1 (which I didn’t tell anyone about) –> summer classes where things got worse –> academic probation 2 –> having trouble trusting God –> rebuilding my faith –> getting removed from AP2 completely –> DEAN’S LIST!
It’s just incredible. My heart is welling with thankfulness right now. You know, it’s not just because I’m not on academic probation anymore or anything to do with worldly accolades, it’s because I’ve come to a deeper revelation of who God is. That’s something that has no price on it. If I tell someone my GPA, no one would know the story behind it. How much work, doubt, and pain it took to get it there even though for a pre-med… it’s not the best. However, I made it my goal after seeing my transcript and not even noticing the Dean’s List part that I wanted to make all A’s during senior year. Not so it’s something nice to say or report to my parents, but there’s something in me that wants to give God the chance to WOW me even more. To use my seeds of investment in my studies to show my earthly dad that God can redeem anything. To make this testimony that seems to keep teaching me more and more about God expand into something crazy. Something that people can’t help but say is because of God. That’ll require faith on their part, but I think it’d be amazing to say that after four years at Tufts, God got me to graduate with a redeemed GPA, a passion to pursue, and a heart full of gratitude. And hey, what would it be like to tell my dad that God got me to graduate with honors? I don’t even know if it’s possible if I calculate it, but I’ll let God do His thing.
This past semester, I was confronted with academic situations that made me way uncomfortable with how familiar it felt. How I had not done my part as a student, how I was pretty much screwed for the exam the next day, how I felt like I’d never learn my lesson with time management. This is how I knew God taught me something. Freshmen and sophomore year, I would condemn myself. I’d believe Satan’s lies that I didn’t deserve a miracle, that I shouldn’t ask God for help because I didn’t deserve the grace, that I should just give up. I’d have long nights of helplessly trying to cram the material in on my own power. I dwelt in my failures and mistakes, figuring I didn’t deserve the help. I had no revelation that what the cross represents applies to academics too; I didn’t realize that everything I cared about, God cares more about. Junior year spring. I literally did not touch a textbook for two straight weeks because I couldn’t stop thinking about how my heart was shattered for children who are trapped in sex trafficking. It was an awful, depressed pit, but once I fought the enemy back, God pulled me right out. [for more testimonies about that check out February 2012 posts]. Then it hit me that I had a lot of catch-up to do. Instead of listening to Satan’s lies that I didn’t deserve extensions on quizzes or that I couldn’t pull it off, I told God that I walk in grace. I told God that I needed His multiplied wisdom. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” -James 1:5. I knew that He wanted to help me, so I asked and He gave freely. Yet, I was floored when I got As on exams that I only studied 2 hours for when it needed at least 20. When professors who didn’t know me at all gave me extensions right and left. When appointments and classes got cancelled giving me more time to study when I desperately needed it. I started to Walk the Walk of true faith.
Now that I’ve had a bit of time to reflect, God didn’t change the situation. He changed me. He changed me for the better. When I faced the same situations this past semester, I just spoke back God’s promises instead of doubting them like I used to. I stood firm, told Satan to shut up, and walked forward knowing God was going to come through. THAT was the difference. THAT is why I saw the results I wanted when I was on academic probation. God has taught me about what it looks like to be humble but authoritative co-heir of Christ.
I have faith in Jesus to heal every disease, to catch every tear that falls, to be everything that anyone ever needs. I use these lessons to remind myself of God’s faithfulness, but I don’t dwell in His faithfulness. I dwell with HIM. I live because He lives in me. So I don’t share this so you focus on the faithfulness of God to ME and dwell on that, I share this so YOU will desire HIM as well. Don’t desire the revelations, desire JESUS. Desire the relationship with GOD and just see where that adventure takes you.
While I’ve been home, I’ve been going on runs almost every day. One day, I realized that one summer ago, I was running away from God. I knew I needed faith. In that post, I knew what I needed to do: embrace grace. I still struggled so hard because I was just trying to do it in my own power instead of resting in God’s power. When that got frustrating, I Avoided God. When I finally relented and gave Him the control back, I ran back to Him. That’s what I thought at least. Truly, He never left me. It’s like I was that rebel kid attached to God with an elastic cord. I thought I was making headway all on my own, but God knew I’d come FLINGING back into Him when the tension in the cord reached its point. Now, I willingly lean back against Him and hear His heart beat. I’m never gonna try on my own. It just doesn’t work.
The more incredible part of all this? It seems like throughout all of this, people have noticed. The most common thing I hear from people is that they see a passionate faith for God. Isn’t that funny? Even when I felt like it was so small, God always shined through. So today, I just hope that if people see my faith, they’d not see ME but find themselves face-to-face with the Savior. The One I have faith in.
“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” -Psalm 100:4
Just because this is a special post to me, I will leave you with some special songs to me in addition to “Never Once”.
1. “You Will Reign” holds a lot of emotional attachment for me. It made me weep last summer because I had no faith to sing it. Then when I ran back to Him, I hoped in it. Today, it’s my anthem.
2. “Constant.” When I wavered, He never did. When I walked through fire, He was making me brighter. Just every word of this song rings true for this testimony.
3. “Promises.” Just a taste of how excited I am that God is so faithful to His promises
4. “The Stand” just wraps up my ultimate response to all of this. Just standing in awe of the One who gave it ALL.
This is the revelation that has been blowing my mind repeatedly for the past few weeks. Think about this. The intricacies of human anatomy, of human biological processes, of the way that flowers get nourished, how the sun sustains us, of happiness, of thought, of…everything that is good in this world are reflections of the character of the Creator of the Universe. A God who is good. Now we see those amazing beauties around us. The thing that is crazy is that this same Creator…ready?…LIVES INSIDE OF US.
Before I get too excited, apologies to all my blog readers since I haven’t posted in a long time. Simply put, there’s so much going on that I don’t even know how to start. This is a case of no news is AMAZING news. If I did start, it would have been a book of jumbled thoughts proclaiming God’s goodness and craziness in my life. He told me though just now to post because someone needs to hear this message. After finals, I will be properly absorbing and reflecting on the things that have happened and post away before I leave for the summer (that post is next! it’s exciting news).
“But because of his great LOVE for us, God, who is RICH in mercy, made us ALIVE WITH CHRIST even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by GRACE you have been SAVED” -Ephesians 2:4
Oh man isn’t that amazing news?! Not only does God love us so immensely, recklessly, passionately that He saves us by grace, but He give us the fullness of life. The fullness of joy. Nothing you can do, no matter how much you feel like you’ve wasted your life or made mistakes or made awful decisions or whatever is keeping you from receiving Christ can make God love you more or less. It’s just an unending, unfailing, unshakable, unfathomable, incredible, deep, reckless LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.
This is proving difficult to express. My heart rate is increasing as I write this because words are failing me to describe to you this incredible truth that is making my heart burst at its seams. The truth that gives me freedom.
There are so many stereotypes and baggage attached to the word ‘Christian.’ If I went up to a random person and said that I was a Christian, there would probably be numerous reasons that immediately jump into his or her head of why I will probably be a repelling person to talk to. That’s why I don’t like to say I’m Christian. I’m a follower of Jesus who believes in the POWER of the Holy Spirit living inside of me and that God is my Father and my Best Friend. I have no idea what differentiates denominations today and where I would belong. The thing is I don’t care. Put a label on me, fine, but the only thing that matters to me is that I love Jesus. I love His presence and all I need is Him. There’s NO WAY I’m going to turn back. How can I turn back to my old way of life when I just went through the motions of daily life, not realizing the emptiness inside of me? I wasn’t seeking after God or curious about anything to do with religion, but God’s love lifted me. He wanted me so much to know Him and desire Him that He just showed Himself to me, lifting me in His love to be awestruck and blessed forevermore. How can I everrrrr deny the change I see in myself? I’m not the same person because the Spirit made an incredible change in me that only He could. If I am truly being a conduit and not a container of God’s love, then my words should be full of life, joy, peace, hope, faith, and love which is immensely attractive. THAT is how I want to be, someone who reflects how immensely attractive Jesus is. I fail countless times, but I just want to be the Jesus I see in the Gospels. Let Jesus who lives in me shine shine SHINE. Be Christ-like to those who see me. The term Christians in the book of Acts did not come about because those who were walking with Jesus felt like they needed to label themselves, it was the name given to them by those who saw them from the outside. See, people noticed something different about them.
About four years ago, I began to chase back after Jesus. I wasn’t quite reckless with my pursuit yet, but it was a good step. Three years ago today (coincidence that today is also Children’s Day in Korea? I think not), I didn’t realize how powerful and amazing the gift of receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit was and would be in my life. The Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, that healed the sick, that opened blind eyes, that empowered, that encouraged, that comforted in the Gospels is not a thing of the past. It is today. It is now. My God is NOT dead, He is very much alive. If He was dead, I’d be absolutely crazy for believing that if I lay my hand on someone’s forehead to ask Jesus to take her headache away, it would happen. However, that is exactly what I do because I know there is POWER in Jesus’ love for people that desires for His children to not have headaches. So I pray that in the name of Jesus, it would be healed. By faith not by sight, I know it is done. Seeing results is not what I desire, it is seeing people encounter the love of Jesus. So yes, in the past few weeks, even though I have much more to learn as I step into this, I have seen Jesus heal people. Not by my power because these hands of mine couldn’t do anything if I didn’t have the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through them.
If I sit here and think about each breath I take, He is the air I breathe. He makes my heart beat. He makes me feel so alive, especially when I praise Him with my voice and heart. Sometimes I exuberantly praise Him on the outside and it feels amazing, like at Boston Night of Worship for instance. Sometimes, like as I write this post, my heart is exploding as I listen to my playlist. I don’t have to utter a sound to know that Jesus is listening. I can yell the words in my heart, and I know He hears it. He smiles at me because He knows that I am coming to understand just a speck more of the immensity of His love as I reach a deeper intimacy with Him.
The things I am writing now would have never come from this brain during my first half of college. There are a group of people who know how much I’ve changed in these past couple of years. I tried to tell some freshmen this year how the person that they were talking to is not the same person she was before. It’s just the biggest change ever that I can’t describe it. It just reminded me, especially today, how much God can do. He is not of time, so what is three years? It seems like a short time in our eyes maybe, but how can you not transform when you surrender all to Him?
This change was only possible because of Jesus. He lives inside of me. And you whether you believe it or not. If you surrender to Him and realize that He is truly the Savior, the Messiah, the Beloved One, you’ll realize that you were filling your heart with things that were distracting you from the incredible Being inside of your heart. The thing is, you can’t cover Him so much that He can’t break through.
I feel as though this post was jumping everywhere, but I’m not surprised. There’s just too much to cover. My encouragement to you is to see what it’s like to talk to God. He already knows your struggles, your thoughts, your desires so acknowledge Him and see how He surprises you. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I am asking, but He listens and answers exceedingly, abundantly, more than I could ever ask or imagine. As I’ve entered a deeper intimacy with Jesus, Satan has been trying harder to lie to me and distract me from His goodness and love. However, by growing in intimacy I’ve grown to recognize the voices that are speaking truth and those that are speaking lies. For instance, Satan has been trying to tell me that I need stress and worry to get through finals. I reject that lie in the name of Jesus because Jesus tells me not to worry. He tells us to go in peace for our faith has healed us. And that is the truth I stand firm in. That is why Satan will never win. God’s love wins and it is inside of me. I have more power than Satan will ever have, because I am a co-heir with Christ. I’m not only a conqueror, I’m MORE than a conqueror in Him who loves us (Romans 8:37). I still can’t wrap my mind around that one. What does it even mean to be MORE than conqueror???? ahhhhh
His love heals every disease. His love fulfills your every need. It is simply everything. (“Your love is everything” by Jesus Culture just played). Go and have an encounter with Jesus. Just see what happens. He is Love and He has so much in store for your life. So much He desires for you, if you would only open up your heart and let Him in. He’s telling you to come away with Him. It’s never too late. He has a plan for you and it’s gonna be wild, it’s gonna be great, and it’s gonna be FULL of Him (“Come Away”, United Pursuit Band).
This song has been repeated frequently for a solid two weeks. It epitomizes the wonderfulness of what Jesus does for me and you.
