Author Archives: areza01
Day 27: Chains
I am mainly making myself post so that my last post won’t be where you think I’m at, because that post has worried a lot of people. A lot has happened since then, and I guess things are starting to look like a healing process. Though, it is much more painful and confusing a process than I imagined. But things are looking a little more hopeful I think. Interesting how these posts are developing. Thank you to all who have been thinking about and/or praying for me.
Dear God,
I really have no idea what you’re doing to my heart. I asked you after I posted that angryyyyy post when things would actually seem hopeful. You replied “7 days.” I obviously did not believe you, but I still do not know what happened inside of me during that gospel choir concert. So you did do something very tangible on that 7th day….it felt like a chain was broken. I don’t know what it was, or how it happened, or what it did, but something happened when I praised. The way you used my choir director is ridiculous and I will tell him all about it soon to affirm the beautiful son you have made him to be. I guess you used my attempt to actually praise you during my last gospel choir concert here because something was happening inside. It has been so awful to not be able to even pretend to sing worship songs lately, but as I couldn’t understand how singing it out was helping during the gospel choir concert. I stood there on stage repeating “May have some scars-I am healed/ Circumstances-I’m still healed/ Disappointments-I am healed” I started to believe that maybe….just maybe…I am healed. Then David said how our greatest weapon is praise. When the situation around doesn’t seem to call for praise, that praise is exactly what breaks those chains.
When you praise, when you praise there should be a fire in your heart
Hands upraised when you praise, consuming every part
Because you know the God we serve will make His presence known
When you praise, when you praise
When we think of how wonderful and merciful and kind our God has been to us
Then we know every “Glory, Hallelujah” He deserves when you praise
Praise will bind, confuse, and break the enemy and cause His hands to be still
So we raise our hands in total victory. We know we triumph in His will.
When we praise, when we praise, when we praise
When we praise, when we praise- “There is none like You”
When we praise, when we praise, when we praise
When we praise, when we praise- “Our God is awesome God- YES!”
When we praise, when we praise, when we praise
When we praise, when we praise- “Bless the Lord, O my soul!”
After 2 months of not really feeling you in my heart like I know my heart can, overwhelming does not properly capture the way my heart felt when I realized that you were making your presence known again to me. In my heart…the way I first believed.
I just wanted to weep. And that is exactly what I did as soon as the concert ended…. but I still don’t know why. I think it’s because I just could no longer deny that you were doing something. And the question I really wanted to ask you was “why did it take so long for me to actually know you were doing something?!” but it seemed like a completely unnecessary question for the moment. I just let you…be you. And it was not what I expected healing to feel like. I thought it would be relieving, but it seems there is a LOT more pain and more stuff that needs to get out. So I still do not know exactly why I keep crying, but I know you are doing something. That somehow, you are being faithful to your promises. That somehow, you still love me and that somehow, your love never fails me.
And today at church, I really just cannot deny that you are meeting me where I am. Using a whole sermon on grace using the analogy that has spoken most deeply to me in February…. that grace is like an ocean. How you’ve told me before all of this that my heart is an ocean. That I’m sinking in an ocean of grace. How even yesterday at the harbor, as I looked at the rocks on the shore pondering how whether the rocks were completely submerged or breaking the surface of the water, the rocks were still rocks. No matter how many waves crashed or the strength of the wave, it was still a rock. And how when I was looking at the rocks I had to make sure my footing was strong or I would fall over the ledge. That I needed to remember this for myself, that I had to maintain my footing on the Rock that is You, Lord. Then of course when I look up, the freakin’ boat in front of me has the name “Surefoot.” REALLY. really. you suck sometimes. like in a trolly way.
I give it all to you God
Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me
So even when I’ve given up on myself, when I’ve given up on your promises, I know that you haven’t given up on me. That your love never gives up on me. I might not fully believe that yet, but I know it. I know you love me. Not fully believe it, but I know you’re telling me that message. Praising you forces me to count the blessings, which makes it easier to remember your faithfulness all my years.
Not only through you though. The people around me are simply telling me that they love me, and they are your face, hands, feet, lips, eyes, heart…everything to me. So thank you for those people who are loving me the best they know how. I guess letting them love me is hard, but I really need it.
So I know you’re telling me that my chains are broken. And that something beautiful is coming from these ashes. I have trouble believing this will really happen, but I guess now I can’t deny that something is happening. Something. That these chains are not going to bother me much longer.
At least I am trying to hope that is true. And the fact that I have even a little hope is a big step. Thanks for never giving up when I’ve given up so much lately. I’m very very tired, but I know you are there kissing my heart, mending its wounds.
I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have leftLet me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and tornI wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m wornI know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have leftMy prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyesYes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
I’m worn
Context:
Happenings, Day 1, Day 3, Day 8, Day 18
Day 18: Somehow
I’m absolutely not sorry for how many times f*** and s*** appear here. I’ve surprised myself how many times they have come out these past two days but apparently that’s what happens when I don’t care! At all. I don’t care. I would’ve written it out each time but just to avoid offending some people too much I guess.
God (I don’t really know anymore what I believe about you but nonetheless I will address this to you),
What the f*** is going on? This is the sixth full week of this s*** and Day 18 of this supposed “you’re healing me” s***. I am so confused by you, I don’t know what I think about you anymore. People claim I’m always so solid, so faithful, so strong, so reliable, so trusting in God, blah blah blah. Well world, look at me now. This really sucks. I’m pretty furious at you. I mean, you’ve seen the way I’ve exploded in my room. And I know you can take it. I think that anger has now become a calmer fury, but I’m definitely still mad. I can’t feel anything. But when my heart softens or whatever the f*** it is doing and I feel something, I want to hit something and I get so angry sometimes I just give up and cry. All those questions people have about whether you’re good? I know the theology and I know the truth that you are good. That you don’t allow suffering to just happen to your kids. Then why am I wondering these same questions? Why the hell is this healing thing not really going anywhere? Yeah okay supposedly I don’t even know what baby steps I’ve been taking. This past week I’ve been floating along, surrendered to let you just be you. To let you just work your magic and I’ll just see the results. But if it was f****** possible things got harder. How the HELL have I hit like 3 rock bottoms now? Every time I think I got as far down as I could go, something else shot me down. This really sucks, God, and I know all the stuff you say about me, but I don’t really believe any of it.
I don’t know where I went. I don’t know where my heart is. I guess I gave it to you, but it really doesn’t look like you really care. I know you care more than anyone, but I don’t feel any of it. I’m confused, floating along, distant from everything, scared, numb. This depression is really f***** up. People can tell something’s wrong with me….and the most loaded question ever is “how are you?” I hate that question. Yet what feels like ages ago that is the one question I wished people would really ask me. Now I avoid interactions to avoid that difficult question. I can’t even lie and just say “good!” because it’s so far from the truth. I just don’t know anymore. Why even try? When I stopped trying this past week and just let you do your thing, I was able to at least get school work done, but inside nothing is happening. Floating along did not work. At least in my eyes.
I want to say I hate you, but I know inside I love you. It’s just the hate part of the love-HATE relationship that is more obvious to me right now.
I want to say I don’t care what people will think about me and the stuff I’m writing here, but I do care. I feel like the ultimate hypocrite. Always preaching on this blog about how you just “need to let God love you” and “it’s so easy when you just trust Him!” I must have been so annoying to some of you. I just don’t know how to deal with this huge mess that I feel I’ve made of my perspective of God.
How did I lose all this trust in you?
When I had a million questions and was about to just stare at the ceiling wondering what waiting one more whole week before my appointment at mental health would be like, you heard my one true desire. I just wanted to hold my friend. That was so confusingly beautiful that it makes me angry at you in a different way. What the f*** was that all about? I’m just gonna leave it at that for now. That was so overwhelming I just can’t.
I really don’t like you right now. Not sure if that’s a really sincere “I don’t like you” or a “I know you’re up to something and I know I love you somewhere inside of me so I’m just kinda angry at how things are playing out in such a confusing and painful way” I don’t like you.
I just want to be happy again. I don’t remember what that feels like and that’s scary as s***. I just want to be myself again. Obviously that’s getting redefined so I just want to have some sense of myself again. I want my friends back. I want them to know who they are too so we can be ourselves together. I want to love them back to themselves because love protects and no matter how s***y I feel or how f***** up I feel, I want to see them be themselves again. Love protects, but what the f*** is that doing to me? If you’re Love, I don’t really feel very protected by you. But maybe I would be in deeper s*** hole if you weren’t protecting me somehow. I have no f****** idea how you are protecting me, but I guess I have a really really tiny sense that you are holding me tight and getting me through this somehow. Somehow.
I don’t really like all these songs that come from a perspective of faith, because I don’t feel like I have much faith in any of the things that are important to me anymore, but here’s a song anyways.
Context/earlier posts:
