I suddenly felt convicted to write you a letter here.
I just feel very overwhelmed in my heart right now. I don’t know why, maybe as I write here, you will show me.
I love you more than anything. I love you with all the strength I can muster in my heart. It’s such a huge gift, and yup, here come the tears. You came and lifted me when I didn’t know I needed rescuing. Love came down, held me close, and never let me go. How can I ever forget you for a fleeting moment? How can I ever forget what You’ve done for me? Why do I only remember the immensity of what You’ve done only sometimes when I talk to you or am deep in praise? Why don’t I remember it as my fingers type, how incredible it is that my nervous system can tell my fingers which keys to type and how hard to push?
You’ve given me a big heart. I don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I feel like people see it a lot, but it’s only the smallest sliver of your heart. How can people not see you? I’ve been really upset at Satan lately. He…just makes me so upset. As you know, I was reading articles for my research paper that was due today about kids who are struck with chronic diseases, cancer, and other awful awful sicknesses and think they are being punished. How is this okay? HOW IS THIS OKAY. I don’t like how Satan thinks he’s winning against you. “If our God is for us, who can be against us?” I know, God, but I feel like as I sit here in a somewhat empty student center, I should be loving someone. I should be telling someone how incredible this love is.
I don’t feel like I’m far from you. I feel like I’ve been so close to you lately, leaning on you and listening to your heart beat. Yet when I try to sit up even for a minute, I begin to feel so far. It’s weird.
I’ve realized how hypocritical I’ve been lately with my actions. I’m sorry. I say with my words that I want people to know us by our love. Then, without even thinking, I say something that doesn’t speak life to someone. I don’t make time for someone. I am so selfish, God. My nature is quick to fall over and over, but You catch me before the thought of whether You will catch me passes through my brain. I let things fester when I know it should be easy to let it go. “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” If you can say that as they crucified You, why does an unintentional name-calling joke about something hit a little too close to home bother me so much?
How do people live without desiring to know You more than anything? I feel as though it must be torturous. I feel as though it is lonely, fearful, empty. Yet, I didn’t realize how all those feelings were true for my soul before I knew you. Even though I know how much people need to realize this Love inside of them, I am still afraid at times to tell people how much You love them. When I sing of Your love for hours in worship, I am so ready to overflow your love on people. So quickly though, I become afraid. I am so weak, but You are strong.
You’ve been using some of the people around me to remind me that You’ve seen all that I’ve done. You ignore nothing. I am so humbled when people tell me how they quickly see how passionate I am for You and how faithful I am to You. How I can dream big with You, knowing that it’s possible through You. I get in the way so much though. I say that I’m willing to play the background, yet I want the attention from people. Then when I do get the attention, I feel so unworthy. Dang it something’s wrong there. Pride is quite distorted, isn’t it?
Wow I’m complaining a lot. I’m sorry.
Thank you for another semester that FLEW BY. I still don’t feel like it’s finals, but I’m going through the motions. Thank you for Tufts. Thank you for putting a desire to see Tufts know you in my heart. Thank you for your clear calling to bring me to Tufts for Your purposes. Thank you for Daily Bread. Thank you for…You.
Thank you for my friends here. With such big revelations recently, I’ve realized even more how You’ve given me such incredible friends here. Such incredible family. I can’t even express my gratitude properly. I’ve known for a while how lucky I am to have them, but lately, it’s been kinda overwhelming. I almost want to burst into laughter or have a hug-fest when I see them because I’ve never had such love for my friends like this before. I am SO thankful to share life with them, to know they’ll feed me when I’m hungry, to know that they know me and love me as I am. And even when I mess up, they are patient, kind, and loving. They are family.
But it’s easy to love them. Too easy.
I want to love people who seem random to me like I love my bestest of friends here at Tufts. I know the randoms to me aren’t random to You. You love them no more and no less than You love me. (Ohhhh, I see where You’re going with this…) When one of my good friends had to go into surgery yesterday, my heart ached because I knew that You didn’t want that for him. You want to heal Your children, and I felt the rest and joy that results in faith leaking out of me, just as the air was leaking out of his lung. I pray for him, but the faith that requires such healing is being shaken. I am so mad at Satan. Why does he ail your precious children like this? I am trying not to condemn myself for not having enough faith right now as it says in Roman 8, but I forget that “the enemy has been defeated” when I am facing such a situation. So is this what Your love feels like for others? Is this the amount of love required to desire healing for random people to me? This love that I have for my friend who had surgery yesterday and the desire to see his healing, that’s the love I’ve been praying for?
Okay, but that one guy on crutches I keep seeing on campus. I’ve seen him seven times since that conference a few weekends ago. Each time I am paralyzed with fear and wishing I had enough love to go and tell him that Jesus wants to heal his foot. But I don’t love him as much as I love my best friends. It’s so easy to love them. I’m not there yet, God, but I want to be. I don’t know that guy on crutches, but You know him. I feel so small when I fear. Perfect love casts out fear, and I know when that happens in my heart, I will see Your kingdom come to Tufts as it is in heaven more than I see it happening now.
Love like rain fall down. I know the earth is stirring, that awakening is on the horizon, and that You are very much alive. Keep reminding me when Satan lies to me. I don’t like His voice. I like the Voice of Truth.
Jesus, is the lesson always love? I guess I will come to a deeper revelation of it this summer.
Every breath I take, every move I make, every tear I cry, every laugh I enjoy is in You. Incredible.
Jesus, I would have never written a post like this two or three years ago. You transformed me so much, I barely recognize myself. I love You more than anything, and if something were to get in the way, take it away. I love You and breathe You in.
You are my God, and I love You. I love You. I love You. I am just gonna keep saying that until I fall asleep. Is that what You do? Just keep whispering your Love into my ear, forever? That’s beautiful.
I love You, Jesus.
Thank you. God, You are my God.
In the name of Jesus that breaks every chain,