Full Circle

Why is this happening again? I WON’T LET IT!

I’ve been wanting to update ya’ll since my last update when I basically told you I was depressed.

Well the day after that post (a Thursday), I went to mental health counseling. I got a good doctor who asked me about the role of my faith in all of it, so that was helpful. She gave me two steps until our follow-up appointment on Tuesday: stop withdrawing from people and exercise. On that long weekend, I did exactly that. I’m introverted, but that Friday night of forcing myself to hang out with people was very different from my normal introvertedness. It was completely exhausting to be with people, even though they all mostly knew how I was. I knew that the minute I got back to my room that night, I would just cry from exhaustion. I was right.

A friend told me she was going to the Tufts Medical School tour and info session that Saturday, and it was a testament to God’s perfect timing. As I hadn’t done ANY homework for two weeks straight, I needed motivation…to re-focus on why being in school now is not useless. Usually med school panels and any pre-meddy stuff through health advising are incredibly intimidating and make me feel like I have a 0.000001% of actually making it to med school. This though, was fun, encouraging, and exciting. The students definitely did not undermine how they’ve never worked this hard in their lives, having to memorize 5-inch stacks of information bi-weekly. However, I could tell they were loving it. They said if you really want this, you’ll get it. Whether it takes a few tries to get into med school, that’s okay. It happens. Just seeing their excitement to learn got me so pumped to go to medical school. I wish I could just be there already, learning the stuff I really want to learn. It got me excited for the future, to be a medical missionary in India, and that is just what I needed.

On Monday, my conviction to make James 1:27 happened: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” I wrote about it after Passion here. So just like Matthew 25:35 says, we went to serve the homeless whether it be their physical needs (giving them sandwiches), spiritual needs (praying for them), or emotional needs (just having a conversation, making them feel noticed). One man who had muscular dystrophy really touched me by his honesty and faith. His name is Charlie, and I think about him. I miss him. When my friend (here’s her post here about the experience) and I talked to him on that street in downtown Boston, it was like time stopped. Like what happens in the movies…it was like I was aware of people staring but I didn’t care. All that mattered was Charlie. I guess that’s how Jesus sees us. He asked us whether we believed in Jesus…”Yeah! We like Him, He’s a pretty cool guy.” From there, he told us in his slow, slurred speech about his longing for heaven where there will be no more sickness, no more pain. He said it could be a lot worse, and it just reminded me of a few times in this past year when I just longed so much for heaven. To just leave the brokenness of this world, the awfulness of sex trafficking, but I have a duty to be a light to the world. There’s much to be done here first.

Tuesday rolled around, and I suddenly realized, “hey, I’m not depressed anymore!” To make sure, I went to my follow-up appointment and my counselor seemed surprised how quickly God had pulled me out of depression. It was funny, when I got there she said somberly, “How are you?” and I was like “I’m doing great!!!!” Caught her off guard, haha. A combination of being with people, resting, exercising, and asking God for help got me out. I think once two sisters reminded me that depression is not what God wants but rather a foothold for Satan, I fought hard. I didn’t want to remain there, I wanted to have the joy and hope that Jesus wants for me.

After fighting the depression, I realized that there was a lot more fight ahead of me. Two weeks of absolutely zero homework can get you a bit behind in college. So now this is the second week of a season of testing, of encountering God’s grace again.

• Have a paper in an upper-level Child Development class due Tuesday? After telling her what’s happening, she tells me to get it done sooner than later but no deadline. Grace.
• Have a quiz that you’re not prepared for because you haven’t been reading? A sister gives you all your notes and you do fine. Grace.
• Don’t need to inform 2 professors what’s going on because I’m able to manage keeping up and doing well. Gives me time to do some Love146 responsibilities. Grace.
• Somehow with my TCF responsibilities, I felt like I hadn’t done anything during my 2-week depression, giving me space. Then right when I come out, a healthy amount is back on my plate. The timing was impeccable. Grace.
• Realizing that I’ve become a honorary sophomore this year…they have loved me more than I can imagine. Grace.
• On top of that, my 2013ers are huge blessings. I could have never imagined having this community coming into college. Grace.

Now despite these graces, I realized how worried and doubtful I was that God wasn’t going to come through. The sermon this week was on the vice of wrath, and I realized that I have some anger to contend with. Godly anger though is an expression of love. So my anger towards sex traffickers and Satan seems just, but for myself, I felt like it was my fault that I got into this hole academically again, I was blaming myself and thinking that I didn’t deserve God’s grace in all of this. Hello Anisha, isn’t the point of grace that you don’t deserve it?

On Monday, I realize that I probably packed in too much during the weekend and am not prepared for my quiz on Tuesday. Have the most up-and-down day yesterday, with one of those ups being that my professor tells me to go ahead and take the quiz, but if it goes poorly I’ll have a retake or a drop on the quiz to relieve the pressure. GRACE.

After that last instance I realized this struggle felt familiar. I thought that everything that happened with academic probation was over. That it’s past and there’s no more to contend with. I was wrong…the feelings of a wavering faith in God coming through with all of this have been uncomfortably present lately. I look at the “removal from academic probation” letter taped to my closet door for inspiration, but I noticed that the paper is a bit crumpled. Maybe that’s symbolic of my need to iron some things out with that struggle. I feel like it’s my fault again, but how can I blame myself for taking the issue of sex trafficking really hard? I’m being harsh on myself, not allowing myself time to recover emotionally and academically. I’m afraid that academic failure is going to happen again. I’m really afraid.

I really need to…

Then I came across James 1:6> But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Then a friend named it, God’s testing you to see if you’ve learned your lesson. It’s coming full circle. And you know what, I feel different and I KNOW that I won’t let this happen again. How could I forget for a moment God’s faithfulness through all of that academic struggle? Didn’t I write in a post that no one will ever be able to tell me God is not faithful? I guess I didn’t realize I might convince myself that this lie was true.

I’m not gonna lie, my life lately is tiring. I really just wish that I would have more than 2 weeks of bliss. It seems as soon as things are going well, something comes up. I’m tired of struggling, and because of the number of struggles I’ve had, I’ve become more in tune with the spiritual war happening inside of me. Now I can physically feel the lies fighting the truth inside of me. And Satan is dumb. He’s trying really hard to get me down; yesterday while going to small group, I realized that before I could snap my fingers, I suddenly felt achy and feverish. So now I think I have the flu. I know though that Jesus is healer, and this sickness is not to remain, so I’m fighting.

So last night while I layered on the clothes since I had the chills, I wished that it would just all stop. Since James 1:6 really convicted me earlier that day, I decided to read the book of James. It’s only 5 chapters, but it was like God was hand-picking some of those words to speak to me. It was mind-blowing how perfect it was. I won’t post the whole book here, but here’s some verses that hit home.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. [dude! that was in the sermon yesterday!]

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. [not forgetting sexually trafficked children?]

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. [serving the homeless?]

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up.

I must persevere through this until it comes full circle. He’s going to help me heal more from the pain I still have from academic probation.  After my afternoon class today, I had a 2-hour block to do some homework but I had the chills again and ended up falling asleep. God woke me up 12 minutes before my 6:30 class. Grace. I knew God was just gonna make time appear and give me more graces.

Checked my email and my 4-year-old special friend who I play with for 2 hours every Wednesday morning just happens to have a dentist appointment tomorrow. So now I have that time back. This grace this is just getting ridiculous now.

So I have to somehow contend with the current academic schedule and catching-up, but I have peace again. It’s just gonna work out, and I don’t have to abandon living by Matthew 6:34 (“Do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of its own.”) I have been living by that verse since I dropped chem last semester, and life has been so much better. With all the stuff I need to get done, I got stressed thinking about having to plan like this again. I didn’t know how to handle planning again, but God has reminded me that I don’t have to. It’s a daily walk, and it’ll all get done eventually.

Lesson: God is really good, and it keeps blowing my mind. “I have no good apart from You.”

Unwritten

I’ve been looking forward to writing this post for a few months now. Since God told me what to write it about, I’ve been patiently waiting this moment…when I would post my…

100th POST!!!! WOOOOOOO

So we’re going to take a quick break from what’s going on in my life to take a moment to celebrate who and what this blog is about!

Wow, God is so good. He has worked through this in such amazing ways. As I shared in my 1-year anniversary post, I started this blog without really knowing what exactly blogging meant or what was going to happen to it. I wrote for many selfish reasons and was oblivious to the ways God was using it. It was all about me before, wanting everyone to read it so that I’d have better stats. Ha. I was fooling myself. It’s not about me at all, it’s all about Him.

Now, I don’t care whether 1 person clicks it or 100, I can never know what my story can mean to that person who clicked it. I used to question the value of a story…if you learn anything from this post, DON’T DOUBT IT.

Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely not easy to be vulnerable with others. Heck, it’s hard to do that with yourself. However, I don’t think I can tell you how much of a blessing it is. I don’t think I will ever get used to people randomly telling me how blessed they were to just happen upon my blog link. These stories are not about how Anisha is awesome or how Anisha figured things out, it’s about how a broken follower of Jesus tries her bestest to see the Love all around.

Now, I hope that this post will be able to encourage you to tell someone your story. Any story. It doesn’t have to be so public (yet), maybe it’s just your friend or mom or whoever. Don’t EVER underestimate the power of a story. When it comes to telling stories about Jesus, how can someone tell you that your story’s not true? “No, Anisha, I don’t think God brought you through that and proved His faithfulness to you.” Doesn’t make sense right? How do you know if someone can relate to your story? How do you know how it might have a tremendous effect on them, give them courage? Give them hope?

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people to who will also be qualified to teach others. -2 Timothy 2:2.

So teach from your own experiences. Maybe start with one person. Then see where God takes you. When I first created this blog, do you think I expected to post ALL about the most humbling experience of my life for the WHOLE WORLD to read? That as of this second, 551 people know that I was on academic probation from “No More Hiding.” After this post, maybe that number will increase, and hey, maybe it’s technically smaller or larger depending on repeat links/ people who just saw it on my home page/ etc. Whatever, the point is, I do NOT know 551 people. Like, really know, you know? Yes, I intentionally shared that link as much as possible, but dang. A girl found my link on Relevant and wrote this: “I’ve never met you before, but I hope that you will allow me to forward your post to friends. This is an amazing testimony that needs to be heard, and God’s redemption and grace just exudes through your words. May God continue to bless you to bear that fruit, and let it remain! All hail King Jesus!” I could have shared about the pain later after I got removed and it was pretty, wrapped-up testimony, but there’s a power in the vulnerability of the moment.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So I can tell you more about how blessed I feel to now say that I have publicly shared 100 stories of God’s goodness and grace, but it won’t compare to when you do it yourself. Recently, a sister shared a super vulnerable story, and before that, I tried my best to tell her not to worry because God was gonna blow her mind. God was going to bless her faithfulness in sharing, and she was gonna feel so free, so joyous, so blessed. There would be healing. There would be people who randomly email her who related and felt empowered from her story that God was writing. I knew though she couldn’t quite understand until she felt it for herself.

God has a funny way of using your faithfulness. Don’t make any more excuses. “I have a boring testimony.” “I’ve grown up in church my whole life, nothing exciting.” That’s just lies, ok? I say that lovingly. Grew up in church? Do you know how blessed you are? How many people wish that they weren’t lost in drugs or down in the deepest valley when Jesus had to sweep down and rescue them? You should be grateful…look back and see God’s goodness. It’s impossible that you don’t have a story. No story is boring when it involves King Jesus. Every time someone trusts and puts their faith in God, makes themselves vulnerable and surrendering their hurt, confusion, and everything in their lives to the One who gave it all…that’s nothing short of a miracle. So tell that story. “You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” -Psalm 77:14

If you’ve ever experienced His love, whether it was seeing His creativity in nature or hearing God through a friend’s words or through music or whatever it is, then you have a story to tell. No way to escape it.

Lately, it was mind-blowing that I was given chances to encourage people to share through my own experiences of sharing. Didn’t see that coming, and here I am, doing it again. Pray for God to give you strength if it seems scary. Maybe you’ll start small, but just be ready for where God takes you. I love laughing with God when I publish a post that I hope falls into oblivion, but God manages to make it a popular post. Then the ones I hope people will read get like 2 clicks. Just be careful of creating expectations. Whenever I doubted whether this blog was worth it, God would always bring one person to remind me that somehow God was being glorified through these stories. Now, I post expecting no encouragement, no praise, whether I get 550 hits or 1, I trust that God will lead the right people to them. And one person is more than enough, and if no one clicks it, great. I stayed faithful, and I was able to write about just another good thing God did for me. He’s taught me so much about His goodness through the act of sharing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

If you’re a Tufts student reading this, you have until 2/29 to send in a testimony to the second edition of The Book of Testimonies, a vision God gave to one of my dearest brothers. This is the perfect chance, so take it. If you have questions, let me know, and I can direct you to the right people.

I knew that when I heard “Unwritten” at the human trafficking film forum, it was going on this post. Just as that song is PERFECT when you think about how it can encourage those women who have escaped the trap of modern day slavery, it can encourage you too. There’s a blank page before you, and only you can write the words. It might be scary, but it’ll be freeing. Only you can feel the rain. Tell a friend, a parent, a stranger, a church, a fellowship. So go ahead and try, and I know God is so excited for what’s about to happen for you. He must have been so excited for me. He’s a great Daddy, isn’t He?

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21

Mourning

My last post was really depressing…sorry. It’s still kinda how I feel, but I wanted to update ya’ll on how I am.

Well, still very confused.

I don’t know what’s going on inside now, but it’s not as turbulent. It’s like peace is making its way into my heart, but I almost don’t want to feel better. I’m afraid I’m going to forget what this past week felt like. I don’t want God to heal all of the broken pieces; I want my heart to remain broken or I will not act. Then again, my desire is on the verge of what seems like wanting myself to suffer, and that’s no good either.

This is a very strange time for me. I usually book all my meals with people during the week, but I’ve found myself withdrawing more than my normal introverted self does. I’ve intentionally left meals for myself because I don’t like lying when people ask me how I’m doing. I don’t like dumping all of my emotions on people when all they expect from a “how are you?” is a simple “good” not this complicated mess inside of me. And even if I do tell them, it seems to not do my feelings justice. I can tell how there’s not an everlasting joy beneath my smiles and laughter lately. It’s like I’m hiding behind those smiles, and I want joy back. Then again, it seems like it would feel like a guilty joy.

“Assuming that these people in highly negative situations don’t experience joy at all is a highly arrogant way to look at the world.”

That was one helpful thing a sister told me last night. It’ll stick with me. Then again, the negativity of their situation seems to outweigh the little joys they have. I want them to have the fullness of life and joy, and I almost don’t want to experience it myself until modern day slavery ends. I want these kids to have the childhood they deserve, of innocence, joy, family, worth, love.

The people I’ve told seem to say the same things to me about how this must be really hard, that it’s a blessing to have His heart, that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, etc. This stuff just needs to go from my mind to my heart. My mom told me today: “You’re really different.” She wouldn’t completely explain to me what she meant, but it had something to do with how I’m struggling with weird things in college…

So I’m worrying myself. I realize that I’m mourning this issue. Just googled the steps…

1) Denial and Isolation: Before the human trafficking films, I knew about the issue. However, it was just another issue in the world to know about. Something that I cared enough to read about other people doing inspirational things, but not high enough on my radar to care about making my own impact. That obviously changed.

2) Anger: yes. During the films, I had moments of extreme rage when I just wanted to punch something really hard. Why is this happening? Why are the systems so messed up?

3) Bargaining: “The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control.” Yup. That was me the past week. I expected myself to just get over it quickly and return to normal. I’ve got things to do, so God needed to make whatever’s happening better or something during retreat. I wasn’t really giving myself time. “This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.” I wanted the pain to go away somehow, because going this deeply into God’s heart was unbearable.

4) Depression: I remember waking up Monday morning thinking: “Why do I feel so depressed?” That’s in such contrast to some days in the fall semester when I woke up telling God “good morning!” and cheerfully starting my day. After waking up like that, I actually started to consider seeking some outside help, aka mental health services. Although there’s a stigma surrounding it, I need something. The people who know what’s going on are trying their best with their words and prayers, and I immensely appreciate it. I am not abandoning my quest with God to sort my insides out. I just need a supplement, and it can’t hurt…right? I hope so. It’s their profession, and especially since I’m taking pediatric psychology, I highly respect the field and how it can help.

5) Acceptance: I don’t really know how I feel about this stage. I don’t want to accept it as hopeless…I want to never forget that it’s real but remain forever hopeful because of Jesus. “This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm.” Wait, so maybe I’m almost there? I don’t think I’m there yet though because depression is marked by odd eating/sleeping habits (which is true for me now), withdrawal, and inability to focus on things you enjoyed before. There’s a longer list I found via Google, and like all the signs apply right now. I haven’t been able to bring myself to really sit down and do homework for like a week. The funny thing is that I had on my list of potential blog posts to write about “Life today: happier, exciting classes, exercising regularly, balanced life, and engaging the world.” I guess things change quickly. To be honest, that’s one of the main reasons I am going tomorrow to get help because this cannot continue or I’m going to be in academic struggles again soon, which will not honor what God has brought me through. So acceptance…not sure what that’ll feel like.

I don’t know what you’re thinking now or what you think I need. I don’t have any idea what to do except pray and seek help. This is something that I feel like God is the only One who can help me, and I do hope God will speak through the people who surround me. I don’t know what will help, and I’ve never experienced something like this. So it’s a bit intimidating to go forward, but I must because I can’t afford to lose more time over this if it’s something serious. It’s not helping anyone to think about it more, and I’m not being faithful with the resources I’ve been given as a student.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

Amen. I need rest.

Maybe I sound really harsh on myself. Maybe I sound hopeless. I don’t think that’s how I feel…I think I’m just trying to cope properly so that I don’t get worse. I realize this is not something easy to digest, so it’ll take time. Some people have said God’s going to get glorified through this, but one sister said: “God is glorified by your heart’s condition right now and he will be glorified when whatever this feeling is manifests itself into whatever God wants it to. Just hold on.”

She sent this beautiful prayer as well:

“God, thank you so much for Anisha. Thank you for giving her the grace, strength, and humility to have eyes to see what you see and a heart to feel what you feel Lord. I ask that you would protect Anisha’s heart, mind and soul and chase anything away that is not from you lord. I ask that though it is hard to digest the realities of this world that you would give Anisha peace of mind, though without acceptance. I ask that you would bless her in this time and bless her work with school. I ask that she would continue to be glad to do her readings and learn more about child development. I ask that you would be faithful to carrying her through the rest of this year and her undergraduate career. I ask that she would continually be filled with you and glorify you. And that others would know that she is the result of your goodness. Allow everyone around her to know that you exist because they can see you through her, Lord. In your holy name I pray. AMEN.”

Oh wow, AMEN indeedy. Sister, thank you. Just another blessing that I have people who surround and love me. Thank you all.

Keep the kids in your heart, and send a prayer for them. That’s the only thing that helps me now, to pray for them. I am one who strongly believes in the power of prayer, yet just praying for them doesn’t seem enough lately.

A song another sister sent me as I wrote this. It’s absolutely perfect. “I know it seems like this could be the darkest day you’ve known…”

“Be still, and know that I am God” -Psalm 46:10