Officially off probation! It happened. Just as He promised.
”It is a pleasure to inform you that on the basis of your performance this past semester, you have been removed from academic probation.” My dean even said: “You are incredible! and you deserved this!”
That letter that I received a day before I came back to Tufts is now taped on my closet door to remind me not about how awesome I am but how FAITHFUL and GREAT my God is.
It’s kinda like a dream. I don’t know, I still have 3 posts pretty much ready made in my head about Passion, but I haven’t felt inspired or led to write them. I definitely had time over break, not so much now with classes back in full motion. Anyways, Passion Conferences wasn’t so firing up for me as it was last year. In 2011, the burning passion lasted for a few months at the least, but sadly, I feel like it’s already dissipated. Then again, I think my experience in 2012 had a lot to do with the fact that I’m more spiritually mature so the conference wasn’t such a shock to the system. I’m getting back in it though so maybe those other posts are on the way.
The point of all that is to say that I was living 2011 at a slow pace after I realized I just needed to let God handle everything…living out Matthew 6:33-34 and living each day as it is. Not worrying about the future but just seeking Him first. ”But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Now I feel like I’ve been snapped out of that dreamlike trance. I had lost any hope of vibrancy in academic life as I was just trying to survive and just ‘trying my best’ to simply get off probation. That trance leaked a bit into 2012 and added to the sluggishness of the end of break…
I’m off probation now though. And I’ve found a vibrancy in my child development studies.
“Things are going to change.” “God will use this for your testimony.” All things that I was being encouraged by as I struggled with why I was on academic probation when I thought I was being faithful to God. Why was He letting this happen? I don’t wanna hear those encouraging words, I want change NOW.
The ‘NOW’ He had in mind was January 18th and the semester to follow. Praise Him for being patient.
I truly can’t remember the last time I was this excited for school. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been this excited. It might have taken 2.5 years, but God has led me to the studies that give me life, that excite me, that give me content to look forward to rather than dread. I have a LOTTTTT of readings that I actually have to do (as opposed to skimming/not doing it while still getting by in college). You know what’s surprising? I almost don’t mind the pages and pages if I become like a true Proverbs 31 woman, a faithful steward of my time. Those readings are interesting and I am..gulp…excited to learn? It’s a foreign feeling to me, but a great sign that I’ve finally found my niche. Neesh found her niche? heh. Seriously though, I was slightly dreading ending my long day with my first Tufts night class from 6:30 to 9:00. However, I was wide awake even when the professor was talking about the syllabus because pediatric psychology excites me like I’ve never encountered yet here at Tufts. Ideas were going through my head as she discussed later research opportunities and I’m just pumped. About school. It is SO. STRANGE.
As strange as it is, it’s just total proof that God is amazing. He was patient and faithful and loving as I struggled. When I got angry at Him, doubted His plans, stopped praying, rejected help, refused to humble myself to tell my friends, disappointed myself and my parents, and on, He never left. He NEVER left. He always had me in His hands and always will. He already knew the fruit and joy that was ahead of me, so instead of making all the suffering disappear, He made ME brighter, trusting, dependent, STRONGER.
I think the most important lesson in all of this is that I could have studied His Word and learned that He is a faithful God. A God who keeps His promises. Anyone who picks up a Bible can learn that. However, I feel like I know it on such a deep and profound level through this experience that I cannot ever bring myself to doubt His goodness or His plan for me. He didn’t need to prove His faithfulness to me but He did anyways. That is why my resolution for 2012 was to obey, even though I didn’t know yet that this probation was going to be lifted off. To be honest, I thought I had one iffy grade in a class last semester so I was prepared for anything. I worshiped along with everyone singing “We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you, all for you” at Passion. I think I finally let some of the fear go. Finally realized that no matter what, I wanted to follow. Whether I got put on academic probation 3 or had to leave Tufts or removed, it wouldn’t keep me from following Him.
Getting removed from probation is a launching pad into something wonderful: a life of full surrender for the One who gave it all! I am ready to enjoy this semester of learning about children and learning more about Him. I know I can do even better to bring up my GPA and I have complete confidence in my Rock and my Savior to lead me to that goal. If the road gets tough again, fine. I have a family at my church which I am now an official member of and in my fellowship here at Tufts. They will stand by me no matter what as I strive “to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with [our] God.” -Micah 6:8
Lastly, a great thing that came out of this is that I got to celebrate God’s faithfulness with everyone! If God hadn’t led me to share No More Hiding (which was the highlight of Fall ’11, a post people continue to click on almost every day), no one would have known the pain of the moment. I would have ended up sharing this testimony probably after it was all nicely wrapped up and not hurting anymore, but I didn’t. Ya’ll got to share the moment and celebrate with me! That’s so beautiful and I’m so thankful for that.
God, I raise my white flag! The war is over, love has come, your love has won. We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high!
As I wrote this, I stumbled upon this and it made me cry because it’s so true for this testimony.
“And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe”
p.s. I succumbed to twitter. Follow me at @ninjaneesh