I’ve been in this place where I was just going through the motions of praying and reading the Bible. I knew what it felt like to not want to do anything but seek God and know Him better so I was just trying to get that passion stirred up again. It was just hard though because I was serving the fellowship and talking to people about God and what He is doing at Tufts but not experiencing any of it for myself. I felt kinda selfish to want to experience it myself, but I just thirsted for His presence and His companionship.
For example, I didn’t know what this song meant…show me your glory? I don’t really know how to ask God that with the faith Moses did.
Then I went to the onething regionals conference run by International House of Prayer in this quaint, Disney-esque town called Ocean Grove, New Jersey. God provided a car (read about it here) and we were off this past weekend! It should have been much more tiring with the 7.5 hour drive down (traffic and rain that made the lanes completely invisible which was extremely scary) and waking up early to watch the sunrise over the ocean [picture below] and 3 sessions of teaching and worship AND driving back Saturday night to arrive at 3:10AM. However, God gave me a peace, joy, and strength that can only come from Him. In the moments of listening to the sermons and worshiping God, I just thought it was good to be there but it didn’t seem like it was really going to be that much of a blessing but rather a good experience.
The fruit showed back on campus.
1) At the conference, someone prayed over the people and said something like: “I feel like God is telling some of you that He has seen you. He has seen you being faithful to His calling for you even if you feel like you don’t feel like you accomplished anything and haven’t seen any fruit. He sees you when you play your guitar and don’t feel Him, and He is soooo pleased with you and happy to be spending time with you. Because He delights in you and likes you. He doesn’t just love you, He likes you.” I didn’t realize how much I was hurting about my small group ministry last year until God said that and just blew me away with His humility and thankfulness. A truly humble King. Then today I experienced a lot of healing and reconciliation about my ministry last year and…man, God is just so good. Slowly but surely, God is tearing down the walls I built inside my heart and freeing me from the chains I didn’t even know existed. #2, 3, and 4 in my other post (click here) have changed. Praise God
2) The sermon on Sunday was about an almighty God who changes us during our suffering rather than changing our situations because He loves us so much and wants us to grow into the greatness He has planned for us. It was a kind of sermon that I would normally respond to by crying after being reminded of the joy I should have in my suffering and of the love God has for me. This time though I was just smiling with a joy in my heart because I do have joy in my suffering from all my academic struggles these past two years. I finally found my place and know God is using my testimony for people who are going through the same exact struggles. I am able to relate to them and share how God truly redeems and uses things that make no sense to me for His glory and for my good. So much healing going on in the past few days.
3) As I said earlier, I wanted to be in that place of being on fire for Him and not wanting to be anywhere else than His presence. The conference refreshed and revived me to that place and even further. I just want to be in His presence all the time…whether I’m worshiping or doing my homework or talking to people. But “show me your glory” has a lot of meaning. I began to understand it as I read The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. Being in His glory is being in the most holy, heavenly, and beautiful place with the Holy One. It’s a richness that’s hard to grasp, “a realm of emotion” that overtakes you, and a place you never want to leave. That’s what Heaven’s going to be like…and I can get just the tiniest taste of it when I truly sing with my heart (which I finally feel like I can say that I have truly experienced) and desire to be with Him. His love is life and is forever in my heart, so I can always experience Him and the fullness of joy in His presence.
“Release the fullness of your Spirit…I can’t get enough of your presence”