“Maybe I’m afraid, hopeless, uncertain, weak, and frustrated” -Me (from this post: click)
So yesterday my mom and I drove to Atlanta. On the way there, I was driving and listening to more of the Kristian Stanfill album, Mountains Move. The song I linked in that same post, You Will Reign, started playing. The song I said “I hope I can sing in faith soon, instead of as a desperate plea hoping that it’s true”. As I drove along, I tried to sing it in faith. Instead, I was thinking about how the lyrics still seemed impossible. “We believe…with you, all things, are possible. It’s true that you are unstoppable. Your light will never fade, your promises remain unchanged.” Rather than feeling encouraged by singing along, I choked up and asked God through tears why this wasn’t getting better. Why was there still so much pain? I’m lucky to have such wonderful people in my life that have encouraged me and sent emails that have made me cry because of the obvious sincerity and love in each word. Though God was speaking in their words, I wanted God to help me directly. I wanted Him to flood my heart with peace and understanding, because only He could.
On the drive back, He responded. I don’t know how it all happened in my heart, but that’s how I know that it was God…because I can’t explain it. I just started asking my mom all the questions I was having because it didn’t seem to be working when I asked God. I’m so blessed that God used her and that I have a sister in her, because now I feel loads better. Something lifted off of my heart this morning. Peace and understanding filled it instead. I did a little experiment this morning and played “You Will Reign”. I could sing it in faith.
I know that God is using this blog in bigger ways than I could have ever imagined, so I’m going to wait on His timing to share the true gravity of my situation. However, I can tell you this now. As my mom spoke and I asked her all the questions I was having through the painful tears, the words somehow finally clicked. I understood that God has a bigger plan than I can see and that it’s okay that I can’t see it. He is putting me through all these situations so that I can have a testimony to share…a common ground with people who are having these same struggles. The seeds I have sowed at Tufts are worth more than my personal disappointment. If He has a bigger plan to use me as His instrument and He sees my faith now and from my past 2 years, then of course He will take care of me. He loves me and I must take that to heart. Now…He loves me. So why all this hurt? The answer is in humility: the main lesson in all of these struggles. I didn’t learn my lesson before although I thought I had, so out of love, God has to make sure I understand that He can be my only hope. I simply cannot do in my own power. He’s training me for things to come when this lesson will be critical. I shouldn’t be belittling God by seeing my situation as impossible. He’s the Creator, the Lord Almighty, the Alpha and the Omega. How can I say that this is impossible? I can’t anymore…I have to ask God to help me humble myself and trust Him more. That’s the only way I can do this. I have so much power through Him, so why am I not accessing it? “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -1 Peter 1: 6-7.
In the low points, I thought I had done something wrong. I was wrong about that though. This was the perfect illustration as my mom drove along: the road starts to get bumpy and we think that a tire blew out or something’s wrong with the car when the road just changed. We’re still going the right way and we’re still in the same car with the same tires. Just because our situation changes doesn’t mean we’re not going where He wants us to go.
To top it all off, the sermon at church was exactly everything my mom told me in the car yesterday. It was on this verse: “I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:13. One of the points was nothing is impossible to God. My heart was just smiling because I knew this was God confirming everything.
Now I’m confident, hopeful, certain, strong, and relieved. I feel loads better, but that doesn’t mean this is over. I have a lot to learn now that I’m ready to go to God with faith and hope that He will reveal to me what the next step in this journey will be.
So God, continue to refine me into pure gold. Sorry for being frustrated and mad at you when you were just trying to make me stronger. Continue to guide me as I try to become more like You. And ultimately, thank you. Thank you for loving me, being patient, answering my pain, and lifting me up. I have a reason to worship because you always come through.