An Ocean of Grace

I am going to explode if I don’t share this with someone.

I am FREE! So in the last post (click) I shared about some people who have hurt me deeply. Well, in the past few months or so, God has really been convicting me to fully forgive them. I’ve made steps before this conviction…acknowledging that I can’t change what happened, letting it just become a part of my past, etc. I didn’t know how to forgive them, so I just prayed for God to help me. It’s been a process, but now I can say that I am free!

I knew that the Bible says, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:15. I knew that God had forgiven me of so much that I had to do the same and extend forgiveness to these people who had hurt me. It was so hard to do that in my own strength. However, God started to heal me as I gave it to Him. It is simply impossible to forgive without God. He makes me want to forgive. I went through different steps…acknowledging that I still had not fully forgiven them, asking others I had hurt to forgive me, and hearing from others what it looked like for them to forgive people.

After hearing Pastor Dave’s sermon about enemies and God as the righteous judge, for the first time in prayer, I was able to fully bless those who have hurt me. I have prayed for them before, but this time, I had peace in my heart. I sincerely wanted the best for them. After sitting on it for one night, I know that it wasn’t just a fleeting peace about it all. I have been freed of the chains that were holding down on my heart, and it feels great. Peace has taken place of the built-up resentment and anger in my heart. I finally have accepted in my heart that God sees the pain and that I can move past it with His help.

Forgiveness is difficult. It’s been a struggle, but it feels so good. It’s restorative. God’s grace is so immense and deep like the ocean, and if I have this gift of grace, I have to try my best to extend forgiveness to the people around me. Someone reminded me today that the gospel becomes real when we forgive each other. It’s so true. Now I realize the significance of the grace God has shown me, how I truly don’t deserve it and how desperately I need it. Even better…the root of it all is love. “‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD” -Leviticus 19:18. I think the sermon was quite dramatic to apply to my case with talk of enemies and all, but I think that helped me realize that my situation made forgiveness seem easy. I didn’t have anyone out to try and kill me like David did, yet David was the bigger person in this passage (click). Why couldn’t I do the same? Jesus was betrayed too, but “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” -1 Peter 2:23.

So I was finally able to respond by doing what Matthew 5:44-45 says: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Life is a daily struggle, but today I’m free. I’ll rejoice in that.

Yes. It feels great to be free.

Friends, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and praying for me through this. It means the world to me.

Halfway there? Phew.

I’m halfway done with college? Say whaaaaaaaaaaaatttt

Besides feeling old and denying that I’m a rising junior, I’ve been reflecting on my past 2 years. What’s been the constant? How have I changed? What made me change? It seems like every answer leads to the One and Only…my Humble King.

He has transformed me from the inside out. There’s no other way to put it. Who I am today is so different from freshmen Anisha. I mean, even rising sophomore Anisha. After reading this post (click, it’s about my identity) and other old posts, it’s undeniable that God has worked wonders in me. Most of that post just seems so silly now.

This might be the most personal thing I’ve shared on this blog, so here goes. It’s 5th grade at a new school in Alabama, I know no one, I head over to lunch, I recognize some people from class, I head to that table of about 8 girls, and put my tray down. I am about to sit down and those 8 girls simultaneously rise and move over to the next table, leaving me abandoned and incredibly hurt. Sounds like a movie right? 3 girls came and sat with me eventually and we were best friends until 8th grade. However, those girls at the lunch table began my identity crisis. Before lunch, I was just Anisha. After, I was the only non-Caucasian in my grade of 80 students. I didn’t realize having a Korean mom and Bangladeshi dad wasn’t exactly normal…well, I realize that’s still pretty unique now, but hopefully you get my point. It hurt me and my parents so deeply, and I didn’t realize the extent of that hurt until this past year as God helped me accept my true and only identity, as His daughter.

I’ve written many essays (feel free to ask me for them) about those girls and I obviously have not denied that it happened or dismissed it as a trivial part of my life. I just now realize what an incredibly detrimental effect it had on me. Every part of me. My relationships. How much I believed in human kindness. Trust. Love. I began to change who I was to become what I thought other people wanted from me. All I thought about was what other people thought about me. I was a worried and lonely person basically from that moment in 5th grade until the end of freshmen year when I realized that I had true friends. Brothers and sisters who mean the world to me.

I’ll talk about this more in other posts because I can see that this could get really long, so I’ll say this. I no longer form my identity around what other people think of me. I still care, but now I will be unafraid to be myself because God’s opinion of me is the only one that matters. I am His daughter and there’s nothing more that I need.

It wasn’t an easy process and I’m not finished either. Just in this past year, I’ve had to stop idolizing my friends (which was easy for me to do because I had never had friends who cared about me like they did). I’ve had to realize that God is not only my Father, but Best Friend. I’ve had to forgive myself for how I thought about myself before I knew God.  I’ve tasted what it feels like to be on fire for God, and that’s my prayer for the summer…to have that fire again. I now know what true freedom is because of God. He doesn’t set limits on me…things I can and cannot do, things I need to obey. I love Him and know that He can supply all that I would ever need and more, so I will do everything it takes to live for Him. Now that could be another blog entry.

Worried, shy, lonely Anisha has become loved, free, happy, confident, awu;vxlckjvskc. There’s too much God has done for me. I can only praise Him for it and try to open my eyes to all He’s done. I would have NEVER imagined being in this place now, and it’s all because of Him. I never expected being transformed like this. Before college, I would have never thought I would become a leader in my campus fellowship. However, I grew tremendously as a small group leader this past year. Now I’m going to be on the Vision and Planning Team for TCF. I’m not saying that leadership is the sole indicator of change. However, it just shows me that as I grow deeper with Him and ask Him to use me, He’s not gonna forget those prayers. He’ll use me for His glory and kingdom to come to earth, and as I have a brighter fire for Him, I can’t wait to see what He does.

I”ll write more later. But for now…

What more can I do than stand in awe of the one who gave it all? For me. And every other soul too on this world. God, You’re awesome. I am soooooo blessed.

My God is So BIG!

So I just finished reading Our Words, His Stories, a Book of Testimonies that has been the dream of a dear brother of mine and others who joined him for the ride. (Read about his take on it HERE) My testimony is in there, and it’s a true blessing to see it there for anyone to pick up and read. People can read about how God will never stop transforming me. How He, the Creator of the Universe, reached down to rescue me. However, that’s not my main point…

I have trouble grasping how huge our world is. When I have a window seat on planes, I like to look out at all the little cars and buildings and try to think about how God knows every person in that car and building more intimately and deeply than any other human being could strive to reach. Then I have even more trouble grasping how big my God is. He rules the world and knows each and EVERY single heart and soul better than anyone else, including the person themselves. *mind-blowing, right?*

So when this big God of ours reaches down and touches us, our innermost beings, why are we holding in that story? Why aren’t we telling the whole world? We are living, breathing testimonies of an almighty God who loves us oh so much. As I read each testimony, I just came to realize again just how beautiful the body of Christ is. We have had different experiences, environments, and people to deal with, but God can and will use any and everything for His glory. Each testimony was different, but each gave glory to Him. No one can tell us our personal experiences aren’t real, so why aren’t we sharing them more? What’s holding us back?

Yeah, there’s a lot of answers to that question, but what matters more? Our personal inhibitions or His glory? C’mon, He’s GOD. Does my fear of what other people think really going to compare to God? Do I really care enough about people that I want them to hear about this good and loving God?

Each and every one of you has a unique story to tell. Only YOU can tell it. The best thing is that you can never run out of stories to tell…our God is that big.