Unwritten

I’ve been looking forward to writing this post for a few months now. Since God told me what to write it about, I’ve been patiently waiting this moment…when I would post my…

100th POST!!!! WOOOOOOO

So we’re going to take a quick break from what’s going on in my life to take a moment to celebrate who and what this blog is about!

Wow, God is so good. He has worked through this in such amazing ways. As I shared in my 1-year anniversary post, I started this blog without really knowing what exactly blogging meant or what was going to happen to it. I wrote for many selfish reasons and was oblivious to the ways God was using it. It was all about me before, wanting everyone to read it so that I’d have better stats. Ha. I was fooling myself. It’s not about me at all, it’s all about Him.

Now, I don’t care whether 1 person clicks it or 100, I can never know what my story can mean to that person who clicked it. I used to question the value of a story…if you learn anything from this post, DON’T DOUBT IT.

Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely not easy to be vulnerable with others. Heck, it’s hard to do that with yourself. However, I don’t think I can tell you how much of a blessing it is. I don’t think I will ever get used to people randomly telling me how blessed they were to just happen upon my blog link. These stories are not about how Anisha is awesome or how Anisha figured things out, it’s about how a broken follower of Jesus tries her bestest to see the Love all around.

Now, I hope that this post will be able to encourage you to tell someone your story. Any story. It doesn’t have to be so public (yet), maybe it’s just your friend or mom or whoever. Don’t EVER underestimate the power of a story. When it comes to telling stories about Jesus, how can someone tell you that your story’s not true? “No, Anisha, I don’t think God brought you through that and proved His faithfulness to you.” Doesn’t make sense right? How do you know if someone can relate to your story? How do you know how it might have a tremendous effect on them, give them courage? Give them hope?

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people to who will also be qualified to teach others. -2 Timothy 2:2.

So teach from your own experiences. Maybe start with one person. Then see where God takes you. When I first created this blog, do you think I expected to post ALL about the most humbling experience of my life for the WHOLE WORLD to read? That as of this second, 551 people know that I was on academic probation from “No More Hiding.” After this post, maybe that number will increase, and hey, maybe it’s technically smaller or larger depending on repeat links/ people who just saw it on my home page/ etc. Whatever, the point is, I do NOT know 551 people. Like, really know, you know? Yes, I intentionally shared that link as much as possible, but dang. A girl found my link on Relevant and wrote this: “I’ve never met you before, but I hope that you will allow me to forward your post to friends. This is an amazing testimony that needs to be heard, and God’s redemption and grace just exudes through your words. May God continue to bless you to bear that fruit, and let it remain! All hail King Jesus!” I could have shared about the pain later after I got removed and it was pretty, wrapped-up testimony, but there’s a power in the vulnerability of the moment.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So I can tell you more about how blessed I feel to now say that I have publicly shared 100 stories of God’s goodness and grace, but it won’t compare to when you do it yourself. Recently, a sister shared a super vulnerable story, and before that, I tried my best to tell her not to worry because God was gonna blow her mind. God was going to bless her faithfulness in sharing, and she was gonna feel so free, so joyous, so blessed. There would be healing. There would be people who randomly email her who related and felt empowered from her story that God was writing. I knew though she couldn’t quite understand until she felt it for herself.

God has a funny way of using your faithfulness. Don’t make any more excuses. “I have a boring testimony.” “I’ve grown up in church my whole life, nothing exciting.” That’s just lies, ok? I say that lovingly. Grew up in church? Do you know how blessed you are? How many people wish that they weren’t lost in drugs or down in the deepest valley when Jesus had to sweep down and rescue them? You should be grateful…look back and see God’s goodness. It’s impossible that you don’t have a story. No story is boring when it involves King Jesus. Every time someone trusts and puts their faith in God, makes themselves vulnerable and surrendering their hurt, confusion, and everything in their lives to the One who gave it all…that’s nothing short of a miracle. So tell that story. “You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” -Psalm 77:14

If you’ve ever experienced His love, whether it was seeing His creativity in nature or hearing God through a friend’s words or through music or whatever it is, then you have a story to tell. No way to escape it.

Lately, it was mind-blowing that I was given chances to encourage people to share through my own experiences of sharing. Didn’t see that coming, and here I am, doing it again. Pray for God to give you strength if it seems scary. Maybe you’ll start small, but just be ready for where God takes you. I love laughing with God when I publish a post that I hope falls into oblivion, but God manages to make it a popular post. Then the ones I hope people will read get like 2 clicks. Just be careful of creating expectations. Whenever I doubted whether this blog was worth it, God would always bring one person to remind me that somehow God was being glorified through these stories. Now, I post expecting no encouragement, no praise, whether I get 550 hits or 1, I trust that God will lead the right people to them. And one person is more than enough, and if no one clicks it, great. I stayed faithful, and I was able to write about just another good thing God did for me. He’s taught me so much about His goodness through the act of sharing. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

If you’re a Tufts student reading this, you have until 2/29 to send in a testimony to the second edition of The Book of Testimonies, a vision God gave to one of my dearest brothers. This is the perfect chance, so take it. If you have questions, let me know, and I can direct you to the right people.

I knew that when I heard “Unwritten” at the human trafficking film forum, it was going on this post. Just as that song is PERFECT when you think about how it can encourage those women who have escaped the trap of modern day slavery, it can encourage you too. There’s a blank page before you, and only you can write the words. It might be scary, but it’ll be freeing. Only you can feel the rain. Tell a friend, a parent, a stranger, a church, a fellowship. So go ahead and try, and I know God is so excited for what’s about to happen for you. He must have been so excited for me. He’s a great Daddy, isn’t He?

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21

Mourning

My last post was really depressing…sorry. It’s still kinda how I feel, but I wanted to update ya’ll on how I am.

Well, still very confused.

I don’t know what’s going on inside now, but it’s not as turbulent. It’s like peace is making its way into my heart, but I almost don’t want to feel better. I’m afraid I’m going to forget what this past week felt like. I don’t want God to heal all of the broken pieces; I want my heart to remain broken or I will not act. Then again, my desire is on the verge of what seems like wanting myself to suffer, and that’s no good either.

This is a very strange time for me. I usually book all my meals with people during the week, but I’ve found myself withdrawing more than my normal introverted self does. I’ve intentionally left meals for myself because I don’t like lying when people ask me how I’m doing. I don’t like dumping all of my emotions on people when all they expect from a “how are you?” is a simple “good” not this complicated mess inside of me. And even if I do tell them, it seems to not do my feelings justice. I can tell how there’s not an everlasting joy beneath my smiles and laughter lately. It’s like I’m hiding behind those smiles, and I want joy back. Then again, it seems like it would feel like a guilty joy.

“Assuming that these people in highly negative situations don’t experience joy at all is a highly arrogant way to look at the world.”

That was one helpful thing a sister told me last night. It’ll stick with me. Then again, the negativity of their situation seems to outweigh the little joys they have. I want them to have the fullness of life and joy, and I almost don’t want to experience it myself until modern day slavery ends. I want these kids to have the childhood they deserve, of innocence, joy, family, worth, love.

The people I’ve told seem to say the same things to me about how this must be really hard, that it’s a blessing to have His heart, that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, etc. This stuff just needs to go from my mind to my heart. My mom told me today: “You’re really different.” She wouldn’t completely explain to me what she meant, but it had something to do with how I’m struggling with weird things in college…

So I’m worrying myself. I realize that I’m mourning this issue. Just googled the steps…

1) Denial and Isolation: Before the human trafficking films, I knew about the issue. However, it was just another issue in the world to know about. Something that I cared enough to read about other people doing inspirational things, but not high enough on my radar to care about making my own impact. That obviously changed.

2) Anger: yes. During the films, I had moments of extreme rage when I just wanted to punch something really hard. Why is this happening? Why are the systems so messed up?

3) Bargaining: “The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control.” Yup. That was me the past week. I expected myself to just get over it quickly and return to normal. I’ve got things to do, so God needed to make whatever’s happening better or something during retreat. I wasn’t really giving myself time. “This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.” I wanted the pain to go away somehow, because going this deeply into God’s heart was unbearable.

4) Depression: I remember waking up Monday morning thinking: “Why do I feel so depressed?” That’s in such contrast to some days in the fall semester when I woke up telling God “good morning!” and cheerfully starting my day. After waking up like that, I actually started to consider seeking some outside help, aka mental health services. Although there’s a stigma surrounding it, I need something. The people who know what’s going on are trying their best with their words and prayers, and I immensely appreciate it. I am not abandoning my quest with God to sort my insides out. I just need a supplement, and it can’t hurt…right? I hope so. It’s their profession, and especially since I’m taking pediatric psychology, I highly respect the field and how it can help.

5) Acceptance: I don’t really know how I feel about this stage. I don’t want to accept it as hopeless…I want to never forget that it’s real but remain forever hopeful because of Jesus. “This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm.” Wait, so maybe I’m almost there? I don’t think I’m there yet though because depression is marked by odd eating/sleeping habits (which is true for me now), withdrawal, and inability to focus on things you enjoyed before. There’s a longer list I found via Google, and like all the signs apply right now. I haven’t been able to bring myself to really sit down and do homework for like a week. The funny thing is that I had on my list of potential blog posts to write about “Life today: happier, exciting classes, exercising regularly, balanced life, and engaging the world.” I guess things change quickly. To be honest, that’s one of the main reasons I am going tomorrow to get help because this cannot continue or I’m going to be in academic struggles again soon, which will not honor what God has brought me through. So acceptance…not sure what that’ll feel like.

I don’t know what you’re thinking now or what you think I need. I don’t have any idea what to do except pray and seek help. This is something that I feel like God is the only One who can help me, and I do hope God will speak through the people who surround me. I don’t know what will help, and I’ve never experienced something like this. So it’s a bit intimidating to go forward, but I must because I can’t afford to lose more time over this if it’s something serious. It’s not helping anyone to think about it more, and I’m not being faithful with the resources I’ve been given as a student.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

Amen. I need rest.

Maybe I sound really harsh on myself. Maybe I sound hopeless. I don’t think that’s how I feel…I think I’m just trying to cope properly so that I don’t get worse. I realize this is not something easy to digest, so it’ll take time. Some people have said God’s going to get glorified through this, but one sister said: “God is glorified by your heart’s condition right now and he will be glorified when whatever this feeling is manifests itself into whatever God wants it to. Just hold on.”

She sent this beautiful prayer as well:

“God, thank you so much for Anisha. Thank you for giving her the grace, strength, and humility to have eyes to see what you see and a heart to feel what you feel Lord. I ask that you would protect Anisha’s heart, mind and soul and chase anything away that is not from you lord. I ask that though it is hard to digest the realities of this world that you would give Anisha peace of mind, though without acceptance. I ask that you would bless her in this time and bless her work with school. I ask that she would continue to be glad to do her readings and learn more about child development. I ask that you would be faithful to carrying her through the rest of this year and her undergraduate career. I ask that she would continually be filled with you and glorify you. And that others would know that she is the result of your goodness. Allow everyone around her to know that you exist because they can see you through her, Lord. In your holy name I pray. AMEN.”

Oh wow, AMEN indeedy. Sister, thank you. Just another blessing that I have people who surround and love me. Thank you all.

Keep the kids in your heart, and send a prayer for them. That’s the only thing that helps me now, to pray for them. I am one who strongly believes in the power of prayer, yet just praying for them doesn’t seem enough lately.

A song another sister sent me as I wrote this. It’s absolutely perfect. “I know it seems like this could be the darkest day you’ve known…”

“Be still, and know that I am God” -Psalm 46:10

Numb

Words fail me.

Ironically, I shall try to use them to tell you what’s going on for me after retreat. It’s confusing and aching, but I need some kind of venue to vent and keep all of you updated.

It’s been a week now since I just wept for the children trapped in sex slavery right now. [last post explains more] I’ve gotten better kinda as the week progressed, and I was looking forward to retreat being restorative and restful. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. Emotionally because thinking about these trapped children all day is quite draining. Physically because it kinda kept me up late thinking about it. Spiritually because I’m fighting really hard to believe in the hope that is in Jesus.

Winter retreat was called “Whisper: To Change the World” so it was perfect, right? Well, I’m very much still processing so apologies for the incoherence of this post. This retreat was so different from normal retreats for me. Usually, by the end of retreat I know what I learned and feel great afterwards. People have been asking me how retreat was and I provide a lame lie of “good.” It was…I guess…painful? words fail me. I almost feel more confused than before.

Our speaker, Val, surprised me with her talks. The way she connected us to her own life through powerful stories and to the story of Joseph was powerful. However, the main message of reconciliation and forgiveness didn’t really hit me in the same way as for others. Instead, just like I did last semester, I struggle again to understand why God loves me so much, despite knowing that the answer last time was that it’s about God’s character, not mine.

Especially at retreats, I hear many stories of all the struggles people are enduring, and I know Jesus is their answer. However, what I don’t get is why God blesses me so much. I hear about so many things that I feel so helpless. How can I take back all the pain someone went through for the lack of love from a father, or pay for someone to go to school, or help them realize the power of God’s love? Yeah, I have some small problems with my dad, but I know he loves me more than I can understand and I have a mom who I consider my best friend. I gladly call her every day. Why has God blessed me with such a loving family? Why can I afford a Tufts education when so many people cannot? Why did God call me, my brother, and I so clearly a few years ago and lead us into a deep and loving relationship with Him?

It doesn’t seem fair. I don’t get it. Why does God love me so much? I say all this while receiving God’s love, giving God as much love as I can muster, but I just don’t get why I got so many blessings. I don’t mean to make you jealous or question my intentions of sharing this, I’m just trying to be honest. Val “blessed us to be blessings.” I don’t know if I’m doing that. Am I? I sometimes wish that I could not only share in someone’s burden, but just take it for myself.

Now these blessings overwhelm me to the point that I cannot stand it any longer when I think about children who are being raped right now, repeatedly. Getting their childhoods taken away by people who seem to have no ethical standards. I don’t understand. Why was I born in the U.S.? Why am I not one of those children who remembers nothing but horror and shame and worthlessness? Why do I deserve a childhood full of happy memories and an occasional sad one that does not compare?

This just sucks. At retreat, my usual “play outside and talk to tons of people and be absolutely exhausted by the end of retreat” was nowhere to be found. I took an uncharacteristic nap and prayed. I tried to shut out the horrors I couldn’t stop thinking about, and He then whispered to me that I needed to be humble through my testimony. It seems messed up, but I think I was getting proud of being on academic probation and getting out myself. I know God did it all, but somehow my heart lost its way to think I did it and I deserved the congratulations. I don’t even know what to do with that besides try to do my best with studies now, but that it’s a struggle right now to even focus.

If you know me, you should already know that I really love prayer. I love praying for people, and I truly mean it when I say that I’ll pray for you. I don’t just say that lightly. However, stepping down as a leader this retreat seemed to be just what I needed. I received more prayer in the past few days than I am usually comfortable with because I didn’t know what else to do. I thought I was doing better coping with this injustice, but it seems that whenever I start to talk about it, I can’t help but weep. Not just cry, weep. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this for an issue, but if you have, maybe share your story with me? How does Jesus get you through? I prayed that I would not believe the lie that this situation is hopeless because Jesus is righteous and the Hope to build on, but it’s like these truths haven’t fully expanded in my heart yet. I know He’s the answer, the Hope, the Salvation, and that He will come again to make all things right.

I went to the Saturday night session and just got amazed again by the grace that Jesus showed us on the cross. How could I not receive it when it is so immense and all up in my face? During extended worship, I managed to sing one song about His love. Then I was numb. I don’t even remember what songs were playing, but they were all about Love. I just sat, stunned and numb as to why God loves me so much. Why was I even sitting at a retreat center in that moment while so much suffering was happening? I tried to sing “How He Loves” but, I just couldn’t. I realized I was just numb. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t think. I tried to pray but I only got as far as “God…”

I uncharacteristically asked for more prayer from my staff who I’ve been so blessed by lately. She prayed a psalm for me since I told her that I didn’t even know what to say to God. The numbness went away as I found myself crying again. I heard God through her for sure. She told me that I was trying to hold the burdens of the world on my shoulders, and it was oppressing me. I know God in this past week has been answering my prayer “to go deeper into His heart”, but it’s too painful. Too intense. God’s heart is way too big, and even though I can feel my own heart expanding, I can’t handle it. But He only gives us what we can handle…I’m one to take burdens on myself and try to relay them to God, but it’s difficult. She told me “Your greatest gift is your heart and compassion. But it’s also your biggest downfall.” Yeah, I feel like I’m falling but barely holding on to Hope.

I shared with my small group, but it didn’t really feel like I could do my insides justice. My insides are turbulent, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. All of these feelings are so new. All of this makes my academic probation seem like a moment of incredibly small pain. I know it was real then, but this is achingly real. I was so completely drained after sharing, I basically didn’t talk to anyone and just headed straight to bed. I didn’t want to think, I just wanted it all to go away. I had the goal of getting to know some people this retreat, and Saturday night is usually a great opportunity to do so. However, the thought of trying to talk to someone seemed daunting, I just wanted to be alone to temporarily forget.

I wake up refreshed, seemingly better. I still think about it, but still numb. It’s numb…overwhelmed…numb…overwhelmed. I tried to shut it out during the day, tried to find joy. Right now as I write, I’m back to overwhelmed. A sister prayed for me tonight, and since then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about it and crying. This really sucks. She reiterated that God has a great plan for me, and that He shall use me for His glory through this. A broken heart leads to compassionate action. I know that in my head, God make it go to my heart, please.

I know that there’s more to this than just being sad about some faceless children that I keep thinking about. Maybe this is another whisper from God that I’m actually going to be a medical missionary treating and healing children who have dealt with the horror of sexual trafficking. (I hope it’s gone by then though) That sounds amazing, praise God. However, I also live strongly by Matthew 6:33-34 so HOW do I live TODAY knowing this is happening. I almost want to just drop everything and just go serve. But I know that’s unwise. God led me to this major of child development for a reason, and as my sister reminded me, I need to see my homework as a preparation for what’s to come. He’s building my knowledge about children so that I may serve them better in the future. Yet, I still can’t really stand it knowing I sit here reading about theories of children or whatever while real, living, breathing ones think they are worthless.

So I didn’t really think of this as a trial, but maybe it is. I’m really confused, but yet I know Jesus is the answer. I’m daunted, but I know God is greater. I just have a lot of truth to move to my heart, one piece at a time.

“This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand” <–exactly how I feel about God’s love

Pray not for me, pray for Jesus to continue being an ever-present hope to the children in this moment who are crying. That Jesus would catch their tears and give them hope. I fell in love with the song below when I first heard it. I’ve been listening to it thinking about the kids lately, but tonight, it gave me a little bit more hope. Never thought it would minister to me.

Ok, now the post is over and I’m numb again. Hopefully I can get something done. This might be one of those weeks where I have to try to live it hour by hour. I know He’s with me, but oh I pray that He would be with those who are trapped now.

Kids, hold on. I pray that Jesus would be your redemptive hope and grace. I pray that Jesus would be using others He raised up to be His hands and feet to you.

The Evil of Slavery

Warning: this is longer than normal posts and intense, but the issue deserves it. Please read if you feel uninformed.

Children are being repeatedly sexually exploited today…here in the US, everywhere. 27 million people are enslaved today. Slavery is not something of history, it is bigger than it has EVER been. African slaves were worth $40,000, today you can BUY SOMEONE for less than $300.

This past weekend COMPLETELY ROCKED ME. I’m one of those really blessed people who can sleep anywhere and fall asleep in like less than 2 minutes max. I couldn’t sleep well for 4 nights. I’ve had to force myself to stop sitting awake thinking and lay down around 3 or 4 am. I’ve preoccupied myself with blog posts to distract, but I eventually had to contend with the thoughts.

Friday night: I watched Saving Private Ryan. I now know that I do not handle war movies very well. So much blood, pain, trauma, horror, death. I watched Gladiator over winter break, but the goriness did not affect me as much as this did. The guns and tanks dehumanized the horror of war. I cannot begin to imagine what these soldiers dealt with. I never really thought about post-traumatic stress disorder before this movie…it makes absolutely perfect sense. I am traumatized on a small level from just watching a FILM. It was and is REAL LIFE for so many right now. The guys I watched it with were commenting on how cool the sniper guy was. He did have amazing accuracy, but that accuracy was to take life. To take precious, breathing souls. How can I not be tremendously affected by such a film? A film that challenged me to think about whether I had truly reached the potential of living each day to the fullest. Each morning we awake, we are given a new day to live. I do not appreciate that and I still have much to learn from Matthew 6:34.

Saturday night: Watched a film at the Bitahr Human Trafficking Film Forum called “Very Young Girls.” I have never experienced such intense emotions in my life. It made the pain of academic probation seem painfully small. I saw a desperate mother searching for her missing child who eventually got an anonymous call informing her of her daughter’s location. She proceeded to the police with the pimp’s address asking the police to go get her daughter. The police told her her request was invalid without proper warrant. That’s the nicest way I can put it…they basically told her there was nothing they could do. I got so angry I wanted to punch a wall and yell WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH THIS SYSTEM?! I surprised myself with my reaction because I don’t really curse, but I found myself lacking the language to express myself. I heard the personal accounts of how disgustingly evil sex slavery is…how the pimps psychologically manipulate the girls so much so that the girls LOVE their pimps and do not want to leave. How some of the girls live to maintain the feeling of worth by being loved by their pimp. I surprised myself with my strong guttural reaction to puke. A lot of other things made me want to puke, but I am going to have to try to keep this post from becoming a book.

Saturday night, back at Tufts: to distract myself from what was going on in my insides, I write a blog post at 2:25 am. I find that I am actually not tired because my insides have been churning, but I am so incredibly unfamiliar with these feelings I do not deal with them and sleep at 3:45.

Sunday morning: early to church. The message and worship songs are so incredibly perfect that I am greatly encouraged. It was Highrock’s 12th anniversary as a church and we celebrated with a message on what the “Holy Catholic Church” means. A Church that is set apart to be a light to the world. “God never commanded the world to go to church. He commanded the church to go to the world.” Therefore, “Come Church arise…Love with His hands | See with His eyes…Bind it around you, Let it never leave you, And they will know us by our love.” May You “Open our hearts to see the things that make Your heart cry. To be the church that You would desire.
Light to be seen [...] LET HOPE RISE AND DARKNESS TREMBLE in Your holy light, And every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised.”

Sunday afternoon: Saw “Call+Response” by Justin Dillon, which is crazily the guy on one of the panels at Passion who talked ‘about his film’ but I didn’t put the two and two together until Saturday *mind blown* It was a rockumentary that encouraged a response more so than focus on the horror, so it didn’t pain me as much since the facts were not completely new to me. That 27 million people are trapped in modern day slavery, with 79% of those being used for sexual exploitation. That young girls trapped in this evil system are at the average age of 12-13, while some even enter the system as young as THREE. They are repeatedly raped day after day after day. That this is a $32 billion industry [more than Nike, Starbucks, and Google combined]: after drug and arms trade, HUMAN trafficking is the 3rd largest economic force. This force is also  connected as well to the horrors of child soldiers in Africa, slavery is slavery. Oh look, the horrors of war for adult men in Saving Private Ryan seem even MORE horrendous if these are children we are talking about. We finished watching the film, and they told us that many people go from ignorance to complete grief and paralysis. At this point, I am paralyzed.

Sunday dinner: I realize I was in a different place on the inside, but I am appalled at dinner by the insignificant conversations that are occurring. Someone says ‘tramp stamp’ and I am paralyzed to say something about this language even though that was a simple step they gave us at the forum. Two friends jokingly talk about how children are not people. I know they were joking, but it was just incredibly bad timing. Maybe I think it’s not even a joking matter in any situation…they totally matter, so I had to leave the table once those jokes started because it was breaking my heart into another few pieces. A friend notices that I look like I’m in a daze, and I realize that I cannot handle human interaction.

Sunday, my room: I enter, expecting to just sit and focus on breathing. Instead, as soon as the door is closed I begin to weep, sob, heave. When I first heard about child sex slavery, of course I knew it was wrong so my heart broke in half maybe. As I learned more about the issue with Love146 at Tufts and at Passion Conferences, I knew I needed to make more of an effort to fight. The films provided stories to this issue. It became real. Faces that will forever be imprinted on my heart. Let’s say that the films took my two broken halves and hammered them into about a million pieces. My insides hurt like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. My insides burned with pain and hopelessness. I’ve never encountered the EVIL of Satan this powerfully before. I came to face with him through this evil force. For this $32 billion dollar industry to end, there must be a complete economic, social, cultural upheaval of society. We must be willing to pay more for everything we own so that these people of worth will be paid, not enslaved. There are very broken people enslaving people who are getting more and more broken every day. Who are getting lost in what they think is normal around them, think they aren’t worth it, that they deserve it somehow, that this was the purpose of their lives. I couldn’t stand it. The hours between 9:30 and 1:30 are a blur. I cried on and off for hours. My eyes swelled up. My heart ached like I’ve never felt before. I had no hope, what was I going to do? How will sustainable change happen?

I do not share this to say you’re a bad person if you haven’t ached for these people or known about this or whatever you might be thinking. This is simply the only venue I can think of to INFORM. Having so many thoughts that I cannot sleep has NEVER happened to me. I am HORRIFIED with the disgusting, immense evil in sex slavery today, but I MUST hold on to the HOPE THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS. Without Him, I am utterly doomed to be depressed, hopeless, and paralyzed.

Monday: I needed rest for my eyes the night before so I did not do my 100+ pages of reading for my 1:20 pm class. I snoozed all 4 alarms so I got up at 11:15 which gave me no time to get ready, eat lunch, and read all before class. I admitted defeat, checked my email, and SAW THAT MY CLASS GOT CANCELLED. Why does God love me so much and reward the hurt like that? No comprendo. *Mind blown* Still lost in thought all day and into the night, feeling a bit hopeful and feeling His love welling up on the inside of me…went to sleep at 4:30 am.

Tuesday: The hope was rising within me, but considering all of my classes are about children, it only took one sentence like “adolescents struggle with sexual…” and I went into a downward thought spiral. I feel like my whole outlook on life has changed. I wake up in the morning wondering how children wake up trying to block out the repeated rape that happened the night before. I go brush my teeth knowing many don’t have a toothbrush, rather they continue to make money for their pimp to get minimal amounts of food. I was feeling pretty depressed until I had a healthy conversation with my mom. I realized that Satan had been speaking lies to me, even using the Word against me just as he did when Jesus had been tempted by Satan in the desert. As soon as God helped me get through how incredibly scary it was that I had been listening to the wrong voice, which further explained the depressing, oppressive feel I had the past few days = the familiar peace + hope restored in my soul. He led me beside quiet waters, he restored my soul.

I realized all of this was because I have been praying a stupid prayer since Passion. [stupid prayer meaning like when you ask God to use you which gives Him free reign to challenge you like crazy] “God, take me deeper into your heart. May I surrender all to You, all for You. For your love has won, your love has come. Whatever it takes.” Welp, HE ANSWERED. He completely united my heart with His that cries for those women and children in sex slavery.

I’m talking to myself here as much as I am to you: Don’t remain paralyzed. Find the hope, clench onto it for DEAR LIFE, and FIGHT. My blog is “The Stand: to love and learn for the One who gave it all.” That is exactly what I must do. STAND and FIGHT for JUSTICE. For freedom. God’s heart aches for His beloved children, and I was blessed to experience the power of that pain of His heart. “Break my heart for what breaks yours”

Well, if you’re privileged to have internet access to read this post, attend a university like Tufts with me, and attend film forums like I did, then you should also walk over to Sophia Gordon on Thursday to hang out with Love146 Tufts Chapter from 7:30-9:30pm. We are celebrating something that I fully understand now: broken hearts. Come and learn more about how to join our fight to end child sex slavery and exploitation. [like us on Facebook: Love146 Tufts Chapter, follow on Twitter @Love146Tufts, read WordPress at http://love146tufts.wordpress.com/! tech-savvy ftw] I am so excited for this event, and so much more so because I’m fighting something that I can’t stop thinking about. I’m moving out of paralysis.

Now, this is an incredibly long post completely absent of many things I still wish to share, so continue to read as I share more posts. The thing is, I still have much to learn myself. For now, I must take advantage of this blank page to inform, to bless, to encourage, to inspire, to teach, to learn, to grow, to stand, to LOVE.

Anisha, DON’T LOSE HOPE. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Victory

God is pretty cool! I told one of my friends about Passion Vancouver and God used it to confirm for her to go! So in that excitement that this word of mouth thing works…

@Passion268 Post #4 [I'm kinda loving Twitter lately, hehe, @ninjaneesh to follow me]

Now Francis Chan basically preached the same message as he did last year. However, it was a comforting thing that I had actually internalized much of it from last year so it wasn’t such a shock to the system. He told us one anecdote that a guy who was unimpressed with Francis’s repetitive sermons: “All you do is go up on the stage, hold your Bible, wave it around, and say ‘READ THIS!’” Francis imitated himself which provided for yet another laugh, and he told that guy something like: “YES! That’s exactly what I’m trying to do!” Well, last year he told us about whether our lives reflected the weight of the Gospel. This year, he asked us whether we took the Word of God literally and provided some powerful testimonies of his own experiences, like giving a banquet to the poor as shown in Luke 14:15-24. Thankfully his emphasis on how being in the Word day to day will allow you to discern the truth from the lies surrounding us was not a new idea. I’d known this…the problem I think was just not feeling urgent enough about this need for the DAILY bread which is the Word of God. I knew I needed to, but wasn’t acting. I have been since Passion this time around, and the fruit is overwhelming. “But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” -Psalm 1:2-3. I remember freshmen year when I had to drop biology and it was my first time failing on that level academically. Then for comfort, I turned to the Word and that was when God spoke to me CLEARLY for the first time in this verse in Proverbs 23:18 “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”

Well something that came out of this was WHY isn’t what I see ALL over the Gospels not happening around me? There’s a healing story just about every other parable, so why don’t I see the Holy Spirit working like that around me? We believe in the message of the cross that is told in the Gospel, so why don’t we believe in people being able to be raised from the dead or being healed of paralysis or healed of leprosy????? I BELIEVE. I want to learn dear Jesus. Don’t let the power you release through me make me proud and make me think I did it. It is ALL for your glory and for your power and name to be known on this earth. So use me. I am here for you. Amen.

Well, He answered. I saw healing for those I prayed for. I saw myself act in obedience as I resolved to do for 2012. It was CRAZY. It gave me so much energy. It was ALL Jesus though, it had nothing to do with me. It scared me how quickly I praised myself and thought I did a great job, but all I did was believe and He used that faith to move mountains. Yeah, when he says in Matthew 17:20, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you,” I believe that can literally happen. I heard a story of a missionary telling a young child this parable, and the young girl asked the missionary if the mountain that was blocking her view of the sea could be moved if she prayed and had faith. The missionary told her not to take it so literally, but it’s just a way to represent the big things that can happen. That little girl prayed for her mountain to move. By the end of the missionary’s time with her, what do ya know? They were informed that there was a terrain problem that required the removal of the mountain. Construction vehicles removed it, and she had her view of the sea. Who got humbled here?

There’s a lot of amazing things that happen in the Word. Just read it. Don’t think it can happen today? Then maybe ask yourself what you actually believe about the God you claim to believe. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” -Matthew 19:26. So come on. Is your prayer life dry? Take a risk and have hope in something crazy to happen through prayer.  Don’t stay stuck in the world’s standards for ‘how things are supposed to happen.’ Wake up! Every part of Jesus represents how things were NOT supposed to happen. A holy God sacrificed out of a pure love for the sinful and brokenhearted? He fulfilled the new covenant. He healed on the Sabbath. He preached with authority. He washed the feet of His disciples. He died. He conquered death. He is RISEN.

We have the Holy Spirit that empowers us. The Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us, making the human body a temple of God. So what exactly are we waiting for? What am I waiting for? “All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John 14:25-27

So I agree with my brother in Christ, Pastor Francis Chan. So what if people think I’m radical or that I need to calm down. I will live by His Word and His Spirit so that “whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel” -Ephesians 6:19. I agree with Francis in this article: here. I have a long way to go still, which is the awesome part actually. I’ve been talking about many famous preachers in these posts, but mostly to honor the ways God is using them to speak to a young generation. God’s the One who moved my heart, not Francis. No matter how much I get to know Christ and grow deeper in His heart, there will be infinitely more for me to learn. God can do ANYTHING so I shall believe it and ask for more. Not for my glory but for HIS. For we come from a place of victory in the cross.

Desperate

It is 2:25 am. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I had a surge of inspiration to finally write to ya’ll since I’ve been in a weird funk with the blog posting, so here I am taking advantage of the moment. Maybe it’s because I have an odd assortment of thoughts after watching Saving Private Ryan, and I need to free up some space that these Passion [Christian conference in Atlanta for 18-25 year olds] posts have been taking up in my head…for like a month.

Passion Post #3.

So this is my explanation of a post I’m particularly proud of because it was totally God-inspired and God-led. I truly couldn’t have done it without Him and from learning about the power of the Word (yet again) at Passion. Maybe you can read it first if you haven’t already: Word.

My favorite session (if I HAD to pick one) was actually the one where some well-known pastors simply read the book of Ephesians from the Bible to us. Truly, that is all they did. No commentary, no suggestions on how to reflect. JUST the Bible itself. It was beautiful because God gave the sermon. His Word is alive and can very well do its own job of cutting to the heart, so it was awesome to see these people on the stage like Lecrae and John Piper humble themselves and really focus on the God we gathered there for anyways. They could have easily brought in another speaker to fill that gap, but they didn’t. Humility speaks a deep and lasting message.

This year’s conference had a very unifying theme more so than last year’s (though I remember what every sermon last year was about because they were unified but in a different way). The freedom of finding life again in Jesus. Louie Giglio powerfully opened us up the first night by asking us what was the thing that was carrying us to our death. The only thing I could think of was my struggle with lust. I figured God was just offering a mere suggestion. I had progressed enough with that, and that was something I could continue to slowly ask God to help me with when I was ready. I had other things to deal with first. Apparently it’s time to deal with this now.

The next morning, Beth Moore talked about Luke 8: 40-56. About the woman who had a shameful bleeding but desperately longed for healing, even if it ‘interrupted’ Jesus. He was actually headed over to heal someone else (Jesus was in high demand), but this woman risked making a clean person unclean by touching them. However, “you cannot be so unclean that you mess Jesus up…God came to be touchable” -Beth Moore. I need to be that bleeding woman. I’ve been through many ups and downs with this whole ‘lust’ thing, and I don’t really know how to talk about it or ask God to help me with it. I feel like it’s one of those things that a lot of people struggle with, but never talk about. I kinda wish that could change, but I don’t think I want that conversation at the same time. Anyhoo, you might have picked up on how I felt about this sin in that ‘Word’ post, but the combination of hearing Beth and Ephesians being read to me, I realized I needed to move past the complete and utter shame I have in regards to this issue. I still sometimes feel  like God is disappointed that I make so many steps forward and then fall back into temptation. You know what? How can I keep giving up on myself when God’s love NEVER gives up on me?

The many Scriptures that cut to my heart about this are ALL over the ‘Word’ post, and I don’t think I want to get much further into this here besides saying that I need to focus on the grace and forgiveness, not the sin. Otherwise, I’d be forever consumed with guilt. However, I have victory because of the beautiful cross where my beautiful Jesus died to save me from that sin. “You don’t have to just wait on Him, do you have enough faith to reach out and hold on? [...] Throw your head back at the foot of the cross and let the blood from the crown of thorns fall on your heart and make you clean” -Beth. Um, powerful? Yes. If I HAD to pick a speaker who really slapped some sense into me this time, definitely Beth.

I must focus on Jesus. Who was dead and came back to life! This might be leading me to death, but Jesus will interrupt that funeral procession. I must be that woman and DESPERATELY ask for healing. Shame will just prevent me from receiving the heart cleansing that Jesus is willing to ‘go out of His way’ to do. I think that once I am fully free from this longtime struggle in my heart, there’s going to be an immense freedom inside of my heart. I think it’s holding me back from something, and that’s why this is a season to really contend with it. I must be healed before I can heal others. Oh…I just got into something else there…for a later post. Just know whatever your struggle might be, it might seem hopeless to conquer at times, but JESUS already conquered it. Work from a place of victory. I think it’s normal to wonder why you’re so afraid of asking God for help, thinking you can stop yourself from straying down those fruitless paths. Beth really nailed how I feel about my struggle: “Something we need healing for is intensely private.” Partly the reason why I shall stop here in terms of sharing this struggle in more detail with anyone on this earth (at least for now…never know with Him, sheesh).

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. -Psalm 32:5

My flesh needs to cry out more to God. I need to be completely satisfied in Him.

BEDTIME.

 

You Had Me

Officially off probation! It happened. Just as He promised.

‎”It is a pleasure to inform you that on the basis of your performance this past semester, you have been removed from academic probation.” My dean even said: “You are incredible! and you deserved this!”

That letter that I received a day before I came back to Tufts is now taped on my closet door to remind me not about how awesome I am but how FAITHFUL and GREAT my God is.

It’s kinda like a dream. I don’t know, I still have 3 posts pretty much ready made in my head about Passion, but I haven’t felt inspired or led to write them. I definitely had time over break, not so much now with classes back in full motion. Anyways, Passion Conferences wasn’t so firing up for me as it was last year. In 2011, the burning passion lasted for a few months at the least, but sadly, I feel like it’s already dissipated. Then again, I think my experience in 2012 had a lot to do with the fact that I’m more spiritually mature so the conference wasn’t such a shock to the system. I’m getting back in it though so maybe those other posts are on the way.

The point of all that is to say that I was living 2011 at a slow pace after I realized I just needed to let God handle everything…living out Matthew 6:33-34 and living each day as it is. Not worrying about the future but just seeking Him first.  ”But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Now I feel like I’ve been snapped out of that dreamlike trance. I had lost any hope of vibrancy in academic life as I was just trying to survive and just ‘trying my best’ to simply get off probation. That trance leaked a bit into 2012 and added to the sluggishness of the end of break…

I’m off probation now though. And I’ve found a vibrancy in my child development studies.

“Things are going to change.” “God will use this for your testimony.” All things that I was being encouraged by as I struggled with why I was on academic probation when I thought I was being faithful to God. Why was He letting this happen? I don’t wanna hear those encouraging words, I want change NOW.

The ‘NOW’ He had in mind was January 18th and the semester to follow. Praise Him for being patient.

I truly can’t remember the last time I was this excited for school. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been this excited. It might have taken 2.5 years, but God has led me to the studies that give me life, that excite me, that give me content to look forward to rather than dread. I have a LOTTTTT of readings that I actually have to do (as opposed to skimming/not doing it while still getting by in college). You know what’s surprising? I almost don’t mind the pages and pages if I become like a true Proverbs 31 woman, a faithful steward of my time. Those readings are interesting and I am..gulp…excited to learn? It’s a foreign feeling to me, but a great sign that I’ve finally found my niche. Neesh found her niche? heh. Seriously though, I was slightly dreading ending my long day with my first Tufts night class from 6:30 to 9:00. However, I was wide awake even when the professor was talking about the syllabus because pediatric psychology excites me like I’ve never encountered yet here at Tufts. Ideas were going through my head as she discussed later research opportunities and I’m just pumped. About school. It is SO. STRANGE.

As strange as it is, it’s just total proof that God is amazing. He was patient and faithful and loving as I struggled. When I got angry at Him, doubted His plans, stopped praying, rejected help, refused to humble myself to tell my friends, disappointed myself and my parents, and on, He never left. He NEVER left. He always had me in His hands and always will. He already knew the fruit and joy that was ahead of me, so instead of making all the suffering disappear, He made ME brighter, trusting, dependent, STRONGER.

I think the most important lesson in all of this is that I could have studied His Word and learned that He is a faithful God. A God who keeps His promises. Anyone who picks up a Bible can learn that. However, I feel like I know it on such a deep and profound level through this experience that I cannot ever bring myself to doubt His goodness or His plan for me. He didn’t need to prove His faithfulness to me but He did anyways. That is why my resolution for 2012 was to obey, even though I didn’t know yet that this probation was going to be lifted off. To be honest, I thought I had one iffy grade in a class last semester so I was prepared for anything. I worshiped along with everyone singing “We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you, all for you” at Passion. I think I finally let some of the fear go. Finally realized that no matter what, I wanted to follow. Whether I got put on academic probation 3 or had to leave Tufts or removed, it wouldn’t keep me from following Him.

Getting removed from probation is a launching pad into something wonderful: a life of full surrender for the One who gave it all! I am ready to enjoy this semester of learning about children and learning more about Him. I know I can do even better to bring up my GPA and I have complete confidence in my Rock and my Savior to lead me to that goal. If the road gets tough again, fine. I have a family at my church which I am now an official member of and in my fellowship here at Tufts. They will stand by me no matter what as I strive “to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with [our] God.” -Micah 6:8

Lastly, a great thing that came out of this is that I got to celebrate God’s faithfulness with everyone! If God hadn’t led me to share No More Hiding (which was the highlight of Fall ’11, a post people continue to click on almost every day), no one would have known the pain of the moment. I would have ended up sharing this testimony probably after it was all nicely wrapped up and not hurting anymore, but I didn’t. Ya’ll got to share the moment and celebrate with me! That’s so beautiful and I’m so thankful for that.

God, I raise my white flag! The war is over, love has come, your love has won. We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high!

As I wrote this, I stumbled upon this and it made me cry because it’s so true for this testimony.

“And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe”

“Always faithful

Always good”

p.s. I succumbed to twitter. Follow me at @ninjaneesh

Do Something

Today marks National Human Trafficking Awareness Day. Did you know 27 MILLION people are enslaved today?

At Passion Conference where 45,000 18-25 year olds encountered Jesus, we became more aware of the injustice that is happening all over the world today. Right now, I don’t think this blank space below will suffice to convey the brokenness and pain that 27 million people are enduring right this second. The least I can do is tell you what I can.

27 million is a big number. It’s one of those big numbers that makes this seem like something that is so much larger than you that you can’t do anything. What can one person do to help that many people? If you believe that, that is simply a lie. If we all believed that and just sat around indifferent, do you really care? Do you really think that’s an injustice? “Ignorance is not an excuse. Indifference is not an option. It’s time to rise up for freedom. Because slavery still exists.” 27 million people is not just a number…those are real people who are trapped in an evil cycle that is full of despair and pain and insignificance. Those are fellow brothers and sisters of this human race who are part of the 27 million who make this number the most people enslaved than ANY other time in history. This is not just about privilege, this is about basic human rights. Would you be okay knowing that your mom, dad, brother or sister was trapped in a system forcing them to work 18 hours a day for little or no wages or to be raped repeatedly? Don’t let the immensity of the number keep you from doing something. Didn’t Jesus say, “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” (Luke 15:4). Just to be clear, the answer is YES.

What does human trafficking look like today you might ask? There are people forced to work against their will whether in homes or factories, children being used for sexual gratification, families trapped for generations in a cycle of debt and economic exploitation, and unfortunately, many other injustices. This is a huge force. According to my Passion booklet that I’m getting a lot of this information from, “The total market value of human trafficking is estimated to be $32 billion-that’s more than Google, Starbucks, and Nike combined.” It seems daunting to me, but I believe in a God who is greater, stronger, and higher than any other. He hates that this is happening to people He loves, and yes, we could cry out asking Him why these injustices are happening or be the answer. Go out, do something now! As Christine Caine told us, “He wants to use rescued people to rescue others…We just need to take our light into the darkness.”

Now, if I haven’t done a sufficient job telling you yet about how immense and wrong this force is, maybe you can watch one part or preferably all parts of this documentary that Passion showed us during our 4 days in Atlanta. If you’re still struggling to put a face to this injustice, I highly recommend following the stories of these 3 slaves who have been set free and are now able to tell their stories. http://268generation.com/passion2012/#!/freedom/

I know this post has the potential to be a bit daunting and heavy for those of you who didn’t know anything about this. Especially knowing that this isn’t just happening in the Ukraine or India, but right here in the States (Boston, Atlanta, etc.) Maybe your heart is breaking for these men, women, girls, and boys who are suffering right this second. I know that many hearts were breaking at Passion, and one way we made a difference was by funding numerous great organizations all around the globe that are trying to stop trafficking today. The goal for our 4 days together at the conference was to raise $1 million. We went slightly over it by raising $3.3 million!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I don’t think that money came from us wanting to reach the goal or just satisfying that guilty pang in our guts, but from sharing the heart of God. Pastor Louie Giglio repeated that he will never count us out. We are a generation that is often frowned upon as hopeless and lost in drugs, sex, and alcohol. I agree with Louie though, God doesn’t count us out so we can totally do something now. Yes, Passion is over, but God’s work on this earth through us never ends. Maybe one way you can help stop this is by donating to an organization like Love146 that fights to end child sex trafficking. Or here’s a link provided by Passion to give to freedom: https://secure.268generation.com/dosomethingnow/give/freedom. They do their research on the organizations they write a check to, so don’t fret.

Here’s a list of other great organizations that got some of that $3.3 million dollars that was raised in the first week of 2012. http://268generation.com/passion2012/#!/freedom/

All I have to say now is that we can be the generation that stops this. TOGETHER. Yes it’s daunting to tackle this individually, but “together we can be a force for good.” During the week, a 100 foot structure of a hand was constructed to represent a generation that is rising up, saying something against injustice, and worshiping God by loving the least of these. Worship is not just singing songs, it’s a lifestyle of giving glory and praise to the One who deserves it all. Worship looks like a lot of things, and one way is by striving to have the heart of God that is breaking for those enslaved today. Actually, there’s probably more than 27 million.

Do Something Now

When we fight this together in the name of Jesus, people will notice. CNN and other national news networks did…

Check this out: slaveryfootprint.org to find out how many slaves you have working for YOU.

Stand up. Tell others. Fight for freedom.

Word

I attended Passion Conference in Atlanta kinda last minute from January 2-5, and I’m glad my mom encouraged me to go/that it worked out. Post #1 from it as I begin to process what happened. Sorry it’s late…this post took longer than usual to write.

Click on/hover over the links found in the last word of each verse to see where it is located in the Bible. (bold words are my doing) My own words to come in future posts, but first, my story using the Truth.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. If I am guilty—woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. I am too ashamed and disgraced, my God, to lift up my face to you, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. [I was] dead in [my] transgressions and sins,  in which [I] used to live when [I] followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace [I] have been saved.

[I was] taught, with regard to [my] former way of life, to put off [my] old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of [my mind]; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. For [I was] once darkness, but now [I am] light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth).

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.

Brighter

The obligatory post reflecting on 2011.

So what was 2011 about for me? Learning what it means to fully trust God.

In my post last year when 2011 started, I hoped for love, restoration, and joy. When I said that, I had my academics in mind but God, of course, exceeded that goal. Yes, it was looking like a  really sucky year academically when I knew He had promised me some change and restoration but all I was getting was more withdrawals and higher levels of academic probation. I got intensely frustrated at God wondering when He’d finally let up on teaching me this ‘trust’ lesson. Every time I got frustrated, I calmly tried to remind myself to be grateful for what I had, the fact that I had the opportunity for this kind of education, and to just stop complaining. But hey, I’m human, and I forgot frequently when things kept going downhill.

Through it all, I had moments when I thought it was my fault everything seemed to be falling apart. God taught me how to forgive myself and to walk in His grace. I had moments when I wanted to give up because it was impossible to last through the summer term of 2 science classes. God taught me that it’s not about my abilities, because He’s the God of the impossible. I had moments when I didn’t think God was really doing this for my good. And now I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28

“Pain might not look like love at first, but it’s God’s way of saving us.” -Pastor Dave

Yup. There was so much pain through it all that I even stopped talking to God out of pure frustration for a while during the summer. Somehow during it though, I tried my best to have faith that I just couldn’t see the plan. That the taste of joyous freedom I got randomly would actually last. That I would find delight in His presence first and foremost. “That God is using this blog in bigger ways than I could have ever imagined, so I’m going to wait on His timing to share the true gravity of my situation.”

He’s faithful so everything came through. Sometimes people don’t seem to even understand why I seem so okay with things when it is worrisome, but I think I finally got a taste of what it means to fully trust in and depend on God. For example, I’m hoping to get put off of academic probation within the next few days when grades go up, but whatever happens, it’s going to be okay. I love my major and I love Tufts and that’s good enough for me. Through this lesson on trust, I learned other things too. About how freeing my identity as God’s daughter can be. About what grace really meant when I forgave some people who deeply hurt me in the 5th grade. (click) About finding full satisfaction in knowing Him alone. About letting go of expectations to let God work in you in His own timing (thanks to KRUP).

Now looking back on 2011, I thought it was absolutely insane that the trials and experiences were somehow for my good, but God remained patient and faithful whether I was joyous, weeping, or angry. Everything was worth it because now I’ve come out stronger, leaning on the everlasting Rock. As the song below goes, “[I’ve] walked through fire, but You made [me] brighter.”

So since He’s patiently proven to me His faithfulness and that everything truly is for my good, for 2012, I’m going to obey. I’m going to train to stop being a doubter of God’s plans for me. As a hymn I’ve heard in church goes, I’m going to “trust and obey, for there’s no other way.” He’s going to continue to test me, teach me, and love me. We’ll see where that takes me. This journey NEVER gets boring!

First stop? Passion Conference 2012 in the Georgia Dome. Watch the main sessions online while I’m in the audience! Maybe starting off the year with Passion in 2012 will be as big a blessing as it was in 2011 We’ll see!

http://268generation.com/passion2012/#!/home/

“Just like the sunshine
You have been our light
Leading us into beautiful places
We’ve walked through fire
But You made us brighter
Leading us into beautiful places

Faithful Jesus, healing savior
Compass, center, bread of life
Faithful Jesus, cherished treasure
Our portion, wisdom God’s great light

…

God You are here with us
Constantly here with us
You are our everything
Faithful and true”